Need advice, issue with husband and me "in the bedroom." (Long)

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You have every right to feel violated if he is doing that to you while you are asleep or even awake. There is  no exuse for that.   You need to talk to him about the situation, bc honestly it doesn’t seem like this is something you are going to forget and it could lead to you resenting him in the future, esp during intimacy.  Maybe start off by approaching the subject in a very delicate manner where you show how upset you are as opposed to immidiately saying you feel violated or that you are mad. If you soften the blow in the beginning you will probably get a better more understanding response out of him. Then after he realizes what his actions have done, I would bring up the feeling of being violated. It’s important that he hears that.  You should never feel violated by your husband, he is the one who should be making you feel safe and protected. 

On another note, every couple is different when it comes to sexual needs/compatibility, but it sounds like you guys still have a very active sex life…I can’t understand his feeling like you guys don’t have sex anymore if you are still participating in activities numerous times a week. People get older, life gets in the way, and its normal for the sex life to die down a bit.  He needs to undersand this and realize that not everyones needs are the same and you guys need to come to a happy medium that works for both parties. As you said, you guys still are engaging in intimate acts each week so its obvious you are putting your part in, but he should as well. If you continouslyhave sex/fool around when you are not in the mood you will likely start resenting him and sex. Have a talk with him! Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t really blame you for being irritated he tried to do things while you were asleep/semi-asleep.<br /><br />Have you seen a doctor? Your disappearance in libido could be hormonal or an imbalance that could (quite possibly) be easily fixed.

<br />Also, I’d have a serious conversation how you don’t appreciate his shenanigans.

Post # 4
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

ConfusedBee2013:  It sounds like the progression of your sex life is really similar to mine! When DH and I first started dating, we went at it like bunnies all the time. About 6 or 7 years later, not so much. I think at some point in time, my husband – then boyfriend – must have gotten some advice from one of his friends to “take charge” or “be more persistant when she’s not interested”, because we had a weird period of time, around the 7 year mark actually, where he would keep pushing it after I said ‘no’.

It was incredibly annoying – I would be working in the evening and he’d come over and jam his mouth on mine, and I’d tell him I needed to finish what I’m doing so he’d start feeling me up. Why would you think I’m kidding when I say I’m not interested?

At one point, I think I was mid-brushing my teeth or something (super sexy time, obviously), he grabbed me and kissed me and pushed me kind of hard against the wall. Clearly this was some sort of move from TV/porn that I was supposed to swoon at, but no, it was rude and hurt my back.

I actually had to have a really serious talk with him to remind him that when I say “no” I mean “no” and that it’s incredibly rude and violating to ignore it. He really got the message when I pointed out to him that this kind of behaviour seeming justified to him was the reason they have those “no means no” campaigns, and then I went into a big rant on rape culture and how he was part of the problem. “You do know what’s it’s called when you touch someone sexually without their permission, right? Do you not think I have the right to say what happens to my body?” Aaaanyway, he started being respectful again.

But, there is a happy epilogue of sorts – that was several years ago, and since we’ve started TTC, my sex-drive is way up again and we’re going at it like bunnies like the old days (and I’m enjoying it)! We’re also really happy and lovey right now – I don’t know if all the good sex is the cause or a symptom, but things are really good.

You need to talk to your DH. You have to tell him that he doesn’t have your permission to touch you like that when you’re asleep and that he *has* to respect that. 

Post # 5
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You definitely need to talk to him. If it was a one-time thing when he was drunk, I’d let it slide, but repeatedly? No way would DH get away with that. Of course you feel violated – marriage doesn’t give him the right to do that.

If he tries to turn it around on you for not wanting sex, point out that (a) you are making an effort (it seems like you are!) and (b) trying to force you when you’re asleep/semi-asleep doesn’t make you more eager – no one wants a guy who does that.

Post # 6
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

 

ConfusedBee2013:  I totally understand that his persistance when you’re sleeping (been there) is irritating and makes you feel violated. But I really don’t think he meant to make you feel uncomfortable, yes he should stop when you say no, but men think “hey, I would LOVE to walk up to her touching my naughty bits so she’ll love it too!” yeah..no.

I echo PPs who said to check with your doctor. Although I don’t think doing it nearly daily constitutes a low sex drive but if it really is much less frequent than what is normal to you I’d check it out.

Post # 7
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

tell him that at the very least, you need to both be conscious before anything sexual can happen. It’s not cool that he’s touching you while you sleep, and it seems to me that a lot of men don’t (or don’t want to?) understand this. He still needs your consent and you sure as shit aren’t giving it while you are unconscious. 

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