Post # 1
Hey Bees, I’m hoping you guys can offer me some advice here as I feel like I’m in a difficult situation.
FI and I got engaged a year ago, and my mom offered to pay for the wedding. She and my dad are divorced, and they’re both remarried. My dad never called her to offer any contribution to the wedding; she never called him to ask. By the way, I don’t know if this makes a difference but my dad makes much more $ than my mom and I think she’s always held it against him how selfish he is with his money when she is so generous.
Anyways, fast forward to last Saturday, 2.5 months before the wedding. My dad calls me out of the blue to say he wants to pay for our rehearsal dinner. I graciously accept, even though FI’s mom already said she wanted to give us a rehearsal dinner. Dad also tells me he wants to invite some of his friends to the wedding, and he’d pay for their food and drinks. FI calls his mom, she says she’ll just give us $, no big deal.
I call my mom to tell her (feeling good about everything) and she freaks out and says there’s absolutely no way my dad can invite his friends to the wedding when she is already paying for him, his wife, and his side of the family. She sends him an email (and CC’s me on it) telling him that since he is not a “sponsor” of the wedding, she can’t allow him to bring friends.
Now me and my FI are in an awkward position. FI feels bad accepting a rehearsal dinner from my dad when he isn’t even allowed to invite friends. My mom is convinced she’s in the right. I feel caught in the middle. My mom has always been there for me, emotionally and financially, and my dad hasn’t at all, but I don’t want things to be weird and hostile.
Thanks to anyone who read this long post. Anybody have any advice for me?
Post # 3
@Pomapoo: OH boy! That is a tough situation. First off, I think maybe your
Dad should offer money, NOT the rehearsal that was already taken care of (being paid for by FI’s mom). Could you ask your Mom if it would be ok if your Dad invited people if he paid for part of the wedding? If she agreed to this maybe you could explain the situation to your Dad. My feeling is that you should be extra careful to not upset your Mom. Sounds like she has been behind you all along and your Dad is flying in last minute so he can bring his friends (no offense). You sound like a peacemaker type person but you have to understand how this must look for your Mom, who is taking care of the wedding. Have you considered telling your Father no to inviting his guests and turning down the rehearsal dinner?
Post # 4
I really dont think your mom has the right to tell your dad not to bring his friends if he is willing to pay their way. I honestly think that the both of them should put you first and put their differences on hold for the duration of the wedding. Its different if your dad wanted to bring his friends and not pay anything, but if he is willing to pay for them, I think your mom should let it slide. Ultimately its your wedding and not your moms so you should have the last say.
Post # 5
@bells: I think you are right but she probably shouldn’t start anything with her Mom considering her Mom is paying for everything else. I don’t know…it seems to me that this girl is trying to stay away from conflict.
Post # 6
@missmichigan: You’re right, I am trying to avoid conflict… Unfortunately, my FI thinks I’m “playing both sides” here, when all I want is for everyone to get along and enjoy my wedding. I also agree that my dad is flying in last minute trying to invite his friends, which is something he’d be doing completely for his own benefit.
@bells: I feel the same way–if he’s offering to pay for them, what’s the harm? I guess my mom thinks it’s unfair that she is paying for everyone (not just his family, but my FI’s family, our friends, etc) and he thinks he can pick and choose who to pay for.
FI thinks I should just tell my mom to let him invite and pay for his friends, but I know there is no way she would do that. Should I call my dad, explain my mom’s reasoning, and maybe ask him if he can just give us $ for the rehearsal since FI’s mom originally said she’d pay for it? FI is concerned that my dad will get all controlling over who can come to the rehearsal since my mom is not letting him bring friends to the wedding.
Post # 7
Wait, so FI’s mom already said she wanted to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but then you told your dad that he could pay for it?
Post # 8
@Pomapoo: Here’s the most important question that you need to answer before deciding: what is YOUR relationship with your father?
If there is none, then why worry over telling him “no guests allowed”? If you do have a relationship, why not talk it out with him? Explain your mom’s feelings, that you don’t want to anger her because she’s paying so much (aka don’t bite the hand that feeds you) and that you think it would be best if only he and ONE guest comes. (a plus one for dad seems to be a good compromise on both sides, in my opinon).
Your FI is probably right: if he doesn’t get to invite anyone to the wedding, he’ll make sure they’re invited to the rehersal, especially if HE is paying (I’m guessing he is probably planning on that regardless, but I could be wrong).
Regardless of which way you go, you need to start off with your relationship with your dad. That way, you’ll have a basis for talking to your mom AND your father. (Also, you might want to find out how MANY he’s thinking of inviting… that could be a big factor in YOUR talk to him…).
good luck! and sorry you’re stuck in this position!
Post # 9
Sorry you are in this situation! I would say your dad should be able to invite guests if he going to pay for them. I’m not in the same situation but kinda similar. My father and I had always been best friends until he recently got married to a woman who hates me and now I’m not even sure he is coming to my wedding. So I somewhat understand your sticky situation. I hope everythign works out for you.
Post # 10
I agree with PP. If the issue with your mom is money, and he agreed to pay for his friends, then they should be able to come. Im sure she is just upset that he didnt offer to help from the begining and thats understandable.