- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
In order to explain the situation fully, this is going to be long. Sorry in advance…My mom and I have a pretty rocky past, with me moving out of her home at 16. I won’t go into details, but it was not a happy time. Instead of working through issues in counseling, my mother preferred that I come home and forget about the issues. I did not come home. I was disowned for a few years.
By the time I was done with college, my Mom and I started getting along better. Now at 29, I felt as if we finally were in a good place after several years of me pretending that nothing bad ever happened. I moved several states away with FI, and although she’s had a hard time with me leaving, things were pretty good. Until recently.
From Day 1, I have been insistent that FI & I will be paying for our own wedding. My family, especially mom, does not have extra money. I will not put her in financial hardship for our wedding. She has consistently fought me on this. She claims that she “just can’t attend the wedding knowing that she didn’t contribute”. She’s also pressured me to ask my father for money, but I will not. My mom works 7 days a week, two jobs just to pay her own household bills. Where does she think she’s going to find money to pay for a wedding??
We’ve had several disagreements over minor things, such as she thinks I MUST have a traditional tiered cake…she hates my ideas for flowers….she’s tried to convince me to look at venues in a different city that is inconvenient and I hate just because there’s a place that she can “make payments on a full package”. Eventually conceding to the idea that OUR wedding is not HER wedding, she started to go along with most things, as long as I allowed her to handle the deposit/contract stuff on the reception venue, and let her help with finances when she “has extra”. She said she would not attend my wedding if I didn’t allow her to pay for something. Keep in mind SHE insisted although I argued that we were paying. ALL I’ve asked of her thus far is to take a tour of two facilities. She did, I chose one based on her findings, and that’s all I asked. I’ve even gone along so far as to allow her to set up a cake tasting during our visit this December, even though I don’t want a traditional cake. If it’s just cake….I’ll get a cake to avoid another family feud.
But here’s where I need your advice: The other day, she complained to me on the phone that the church we intend to use is too expensive. This is the third time. She also suggested that we “just get the priest to come to the reception site” ….but that defeats the whole idea of getting married in the Church. Catholic Church doesn’t work that way. When I started to explain this again, she cussed me out, hung up, and when I texted explaining that this was why I didn’t want her to stress about cost of things…she responded with “Okay, I won’t, and if that’s your decision, I will not be at the wedding”.
She is the master of overreacting and manipulation, but I just told her “you’re overreacting” and left it at that. I had a complete emotional meltdown, afraid to again have a major family rift. The next day, she called me, had a brief NWR conversation – and acted like this never happened.
I’m supposed to book the venue and church THIS WEEK. Do I go ahead and book it without her help and risk a huge feud? Do I talk to her first? What would I say? I’m pretty sure, due to her acting like her comment never happened, she will still want to book the place for me.
Either way, I feel like I lose. If I book it myself, she’ll be mad at me and refuse to attend….but if I let her book it, I feel like she has this manipulation ammo for the rest of the planning time. Please…any advice on how to handle this in a way that won’t lead to me losing my mom/having her turn the family against me again.