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Hi bees,
I'm in a tough situation so I decided it would be best to come onto this website and see if any of you could offer some advice. So I guess to give you a little bit of background- my husband had a child at a young age and is (obviously) no longer with the child's mother. Up until recently they have had a really good relationship, despite the fact that the child's mother cheated on my husband multiple times and had a lot of control over him (even after they had not been together for years).
Unfortunately, I was the first serious girlfriend that my husband had after his relationship with his son's mother (we started dating a few years after they broke up). My step-son's mother, and her family, have made many aspects of our relationship very difficult. The first time I met his ex's family they told me that my husband would always be a part of their family, her mother has gone into detail about their pregnancy, following it up with, "so hopefully he wont turn pale when you have a child!"
The most recent issue that we had was before our wedding- my husband's ex, out of no where, insisted that my husband go to court to have a custody agreement in place if he wanted to have his son for our wedding. Mind you there has never been anything in writing, from the courts, which there should be to protect both parents rights, but it certainly didn't need to be thrown on us the week before we got married! It made things extremely stressful and was so completely uncalled for.
Well the issue that I'm having is with my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law know's everthing that my husbands ex has done, and she knows that my mother-in-law knows, but my mother-in-law has done nothing about the situation. She goes out of her way to make the ex feel welcomed and comfortable in my in-laws home and that is extremely hard for me to see. She says that she does it for her grandson and I understand wanting things to be peaceful, but I don't think she needs to go out of her way to be nice to this perso who has done nothing but make my married and many years of us dating a living he**!
How would you feel about this? There are so many more details I could add, but I think this will give you the jist! Just trying to get some advice. Thanks for reading- I know it was long.
I understand where you are coming from, but I also understand where your MIL is coming from. As much as it hurts, you married a man who has a child with another woman. As long as that child is in your life, she will be as well. I think its great that everyone can get along for the sake of the child. I think your husband needs to sit down with his ex and set some boundaries with her. But I wouldn't expect your MIL to change
I also agree that making custody an issue before the wedding was not ideal, but its actually for your husbands protection. Since there wasn't a formal agreement through the courts in place, his ex could have taken that kid and never let him see his son again. Now, he won't have to worry about that. I think while the timing wasn't great, the ex actually did him a favor by making him do this.
I know its difficult, but you have to accept it for what it is, and learn to deal with it
I totally get what you're saying and I agree that a custody agreement needed to be in place- especially since her whole thing was "if you want your son for your wedding then you'll have to sign something in court before." It was her way of trying to ruffle feathers before our big day, which she most definitely was aware of her plan and sadly it did add a ton of stress to our wedding day and many of the days surrounding.
I guess that I just struggle with the fact that my MIL goes out of her way for this person. If I knew that something I was doing made my DIL uncomfortable, that would be far more important than making someone who has done nothing but make things difficult for my son and DIL feel welcomed and comfortable.
I guess I just don't know how to deal with that. If her priority is to make her (the ex) comfortable and accepted by their family, then that's fine, but I don't want to have to be around that. It feels like I'm not supported and her behavior is acceptable, and I don't think it is.
@MrsSl82be: I think you hit the nail on the head.
This woman is a part of your and everybody else's life, and your MIL is doing the best she can with that. Also, I don't think that the only thing she has done is make your life uncomfortable - she has obviously also given your husband a child, and allowed that child to stay a real part of his family. You MIL likely just wants to keep everything cordial and continue to see and feel connected to your step-son.
I would try to get past this - it is an awkward and difficult situation for all of you, I'm sure, but you all have a responsibility to the child to make things as comfortable as possible.
I guess the way that I see it is I can keep things cordial- I always have and I always will for my step-son. However, I think that the families can be separate. There isn't a need for my MIL to go out of her way for my step-son's mom- her family certainly doesn't go out of their way for my husband any more. I just feel that things can be separate yet respectful. My MIL and my step-sons mom do not need to text one another and exchange gifts. I don't think that's necessary at all. It makes me uncomfortable and if that's the way things have to be then I'm feeling like I don't need to be around that. I'm not asking her to change, I just think she should know how her actions make me feel.
I think that you just need to learn to deal with the situation as you are never going to change it. I am still very close to my ex in-laws. ( I call them my outlaws). They are still my children's grandparents. We exchange letters, gifts and phone calls. My ex is re-married. ( She had nothing to do with our divorce either).
Wouldn't you really rather that the relationship was friendly, for the child's sake, instead of merely polite? Children will always know when their is tension or hostility. I urge you not to be the cause of it.
@julies1949: my FIL calls his ex's family outlaws too! He sees them more than she does...
@buzzingbride7: What about it makes you uncomfortable?? DOes your MIL know this?
I think you need to stop viewing it as your MIL 'taking sides' with your DH's ex. She will always be in your DH's life, there is nothing you can do to change it. So it's best to make things cordial. YOu don't have to have her over for dinner or anything, but you should try to respect the fact that people like your MIL will be maybe more than polite to her.
There is a lot of divorce in my family and I actually have two half siblings so I've seen things work and fail miserably when it comes to the ex's getting along. It always works best when the person in your situation (current wife or husband) bites the bullet and keeps kind of an open mind about having the ex around. You may not enjoy your time with her, but try your best to be cordial or at least remain low key about the visits. As long as your DH recognizes and appreciates the effort you are making, then you're golden.
@moderndaisy: this!
I am fortunate enough that I never had to deal with blended families growing up because my parents are still married. I also made it a point to never date someone who had a child, because I myself don't want children, and also don't want to have to deal with someone else's child. This was my personal choice, and I'm glad every day that I made it a requirement for dating someone
I think I need to make one thing clear- I have never ever ever been anything but polite to anyone in this situation. I think it just kills me that it feels like she has gotten away with all of this...she really is a nasty person...she has asked my husband to give up his rights as a parent because she is just "tired of dealing with him" (when my husband is the most easy going person and has put up with her for forever- goes along with whatever she says), she has called him a babysitter, called us selfish for living 15 miles away from our step-son (because my husband is in med school and has to live close to the hospital), she has made many comments when we got engaged like, "well if you can afford a ring then I htink you can do x,y,z" (when that really isn't her business- not to mention his gmom passed away and he used that money). Our lives are separate and I think they should remain separate besides the fact that we share a son. We have no problem going to school events and sporting events as two families and that isn't never an unpleasant thing for my stepson, but I just feel like my MIL knows all that has gone on but she still treats her grandsons mother like she has done nothing wrong and that bothers me.
Honestly, I think your mother in law has every right to try and maintain a good relationship with her son's ex. As a grandparent, she really has no rights regarding the child, and it sounds like she's afraid that her son's ex will cut her off from seeing her grandchild if she upsets the woman.
Whatever is going on between you and your FI and your FI's ex, I suggest you leave your FMIL out of it and let her do what she needs to do in order to maintain a relationship with her grandson. Making her choose between you and him (which is what you're doing if you insist on dragging her into your dispute) would only end badly for you, and it's not very nice.
@buzzingbride7: This will be unpopular I'm sure but it sounds like you're jealous that your MIL is doting on the baby's mother.
"My MIL and my step-sons mom do not need to text one another and exchange gifts. I don't think that's necessary at all."
I can understand it as a human reaction but honestly I think that you are going to be the cause of a lot of drama in that family if you keep making an issue of it. As long as your MIL isn't mistreating you and favoring her then I would try my best to bite my tongue and leave it be.
And reading the post just above mine, I think your FMIL probably is making the right call--if your FI's ex already tried to take custody from your FI because "she was tired of dealing with him" it's in your FMIL's best interest not to be someone that your FI's ex gets "tired of dealing with." Not if she wants to see her grandson.
Your FI's ex doesn't sound like a very nice woman, but don't take that out on your FMIL. She's in a bad spot too.
@Elvis: THIS, I think this is why your MIL is acting the way she does. She will do anything for her grandson, even if it means being friends with his mom, when she has been less than cordial to her son.
Have you discussed your feelings with your husband?
I feel unsupported not jealous! Another thing- my MIL also suggested that my husband and his ex go to marriage counseling, which was so upsetting. I've been in counseling trying to deal with the whole situation since we got engaged, beccause I knew it would be a part of my life for forever, but that was really really hurtful. Not to mention the fact that my husband has never spoken to his 3 younger siblings (who he lived with)- if she should suggest her son go to counseling for anything, I feel it should be to learn how to have a relationship with his family.
@ Elvis- she never tried to take custody...there was never a custody agreement in place and she wanted a joint custody agreement in place. Which actually wasn't in her favor since she was very one sided. Our lawyer addressed that right away.
MrsSl82be: Yes- I have discussed my feelings with my fiance and he thinks that I shouldn't have to feel that way with his family. He thinks that it's fine for his mother to be neurtral and polite towards his ex but he doesn't think that she needs to go out of his way for her.
@Elvis: yes, that was more of a nasty comment she wanted to make- my husband loves being a father and would never in this world give up his rights as a parent and she would never be able to make that happen.
See, I feel as though you have every right to be upset. I would be mad, too if I was in this situation. I know that isn't the popular opinion, but it's mine all the same. I would feel like my MIL is choosing his ex, who isn't the best person, over me and I would feel VERY WEIRD about that!
I can appreciate how hard it is for you, especially since his ex is such a brat. and I'm sorry, I realize that having a court written document over custody is VERY important but the week before your wedding?! REALLY? I would have been throwing things if I were in your shoes.
Unfortunately, this behavior form your MIL doesn't seem like it is going to change. She must have a very good relationship with your hubby's ex to be acting the way she does. Eventhough she did your man wrong, his mom is obviously looking past all of this and is able to forge a relationship with her. I know it sucks and I would feel the exact same way, but maybe this is time for a new start? Put all of your bitterness aside and try to get along with her. Try to be her friend. It may be hard and it may not work, but at leas you would have tried. Then, if she is making you two being friends impossible, then get mad and have a talk with your MIL have honestly talk with her about how you feel without making her look like a terrible person. Your MIL isn't a bad person, but I just think she is trying very ahrd to please everyone!
Good luck with all of this, I hope it helps!!!
@buzzingbride7: Listen, your mother-in-law doesn't have to hate someone just because you do. The world doesn't work that way (okay maybe when we're kids, but not as adults).
Your MIL was there before you were and probably knows a lot more about the ex than even you do. If she wants to exchange gifts and be cordial with the mother of her grandchild, I don't think you trying to interfere in their relationship (by going to the MIL and voicing how annoyed you are) is going to end well.
The ex could REALLY make things miserable for you with custody issues, I've seen it happen in other relationships, and I think by "expressing" your distaste (whether controlled or not) you are going to make a problem. I hope not for the child's sake.
@JM1217: Thank you- I'm clearly very alone in all of this. Although I really do appreciate everyone's honesty. I have absolutely tried to be friends with this women- I have gone to parties for my step-son at her house and I have even gone so far as to go to their lake house on my step-sons birthday so that we could be with him (even though that meant being with her and her family). All of those things were very hard, but I dealt with it, but it has gotten to the point where I can't stand the way that she talks to and treats my husband (she has walked all over him since the day they were together and it's very hard for me to hear her speak to him like he's a child). So I think those days are over and that's ok- there are plenty of families that doesn't have joint parties but things are still happy for the child.
Also, it's weird. My MIL didn't have a good relationship with this woman. They were never around and my MIL didn't approve of the pregnancy for a while because my husband was so young. I think more than anything, she just can't handle confrontation and things feeling a little off, which sometimes has to happen for change to come about.
strawberryavalanche: I'm not trying to end a relationship here- I just want my MIL to know how her actions make us feel (which is unsupported).
@buzzingbride7: Wow we have such a similar situation.,., My husband too had a baby at a very young age with his ex..(they were 16) now he's in his late 20's.. It was always a problem with the ex, we just got to a point where my husband and I just don't care anymore.. Just leave it alone, I have been dealing with your same issue for yrs now and I've gotten the better result when i just ignored it..From the ex, and MIL.. Good Luck
@buzzingbride7: I reworded it after I reread what I posted. See the thing is I feel there has to be more to the story. You say your MIL didn't like her at first and isn't into confrontation, okay, but then why would she be giving her presents? It is one thing to politely smile and talk small talk if you're afraid of confrontation, but it is another to actively give gifts and constantly text which indicates that somewhere deep down your MIL likes her.
I also think that your issues with how she treats your husband are mixed in with how you feel about your MIL keeping in contact with her all the time.
Is your MIL mistreating you in any way? Is she favoring the baby's mother and treating you like dirt? I think that would be another story entirely.
@buzzingbride7: I see where you are coming from, but not knowing anything about your MIL, ti could cause a lot of drama. Only you know how she woudl react to you telling her how you feel
Sounds like a mess. I honestly don't know what to tell you but I wish you all of the luck in the world with this one!!
@buzzingbride7: Sorry, I have to agree with most of the posters on here. You can't dictate your MIL's relationship with the mother of her grandchild. I personally think she's doing the right thing in killing her with kindness. Then there's no reason for your husband's ex to keep your stepson from your MIL. I know you feel unsupported, but you aren't going to change how the relationship dynamic is. And I think pressing the issue is going to make your MIL resent you.
I think it's a bit much to suggest that you be friends with this woman, especially given the history. Anyhow, you have already tried that.
I would encourage you to keep in mind what you would do if you were the MIL and grandmother to this child. I know I would do basically anything to preserve my relationship with the child, even if I had to swallow the bile that rose in my throat being in contact with his mother.
Grandparents have to go out of their way to maintain a relationship with an ex in order to keep a relationship with their grandchild.
Just because the MIL maintains a relationship with the ex, doesn't means she won't love you too. We are all capable of having close relationships with many people in our lives.
Again, I suggest you just let it go. If you raise it again with your husband or discuss it with your MIL, do you really think anyhting positive will come of it?
So I don't think my MIL wants my husband to be with his ex in ANY way, shape, or form! They know the kind of person that she is and I think they are very happy with who my husband ended up with. Before we got married, my MIL sent me an email (because I think at soccer games she could tell that I was uncomfortable about her relationship with the ex) and explained how she respects the ex for x,y,z and she loves her grandson and goes out of her way so that her grandson sees that she is welcomed and accepted because she would never want her grandson to think that they don't like his mother.
I understand and respect that decision! It would make me sad if my step-son heard people talking about his mom, etc. etc., and I would never discuss my true feelings about his mom in front of him, but I think there is a difference between going out of your way for someone and just keeping the relationship at a small talk level.
@2PeasinaPod: Exactly what I was thinking. Resentment. And resentment will lead to that horrible MIL/DIL that is so classic on WeddingBee.
Like I said, I understand your emotional reaction, but I can't see a way in which the situation will resolve pleasantly.
EDIT after reading your post:
If she respects her then there must be a reason why. I suggest letting it go.
But then how do I act in those situations where I see her treated as my equal? That doesn't seem fair to me and I'd want my MIL to know how that makes me feel. I think I would rather be separate from those interactions.
@buzzingbride7: Well let me ask you this: How would you like her to be treated? Like scum of the earth? Because that wouldn't look right in your step-son's eyes. As the mother of the child (who it sounds like he primarily lived with) she IS your equal. She is not of a lower station because things got messy with the ex.
I think things are as they should be. Your MIL is showing grandson that both his mommies are equally loved. This is a good environment for a child to grow up in. You keep saying it isn't "fair" but as adults things so rarely are. If you want to seperate yourself everytime MIL and ex are together that's fine, but quite frankly you will then not only be making yourself the outsider but also look like the ex is more important.
@buzzingbride7: Then I think you're setting yourself up to isolate yourself from your MIL and your stepson. I know this is difficult, but you really need to try to let this go. She IS your equal. Just b/c she isn't together with your husband any longer doesn't mean she isn't your equal. She is raising your MIL's grandson and has a very important aspect in shaping his life and who he becomes. That's a pretty big responsibility, and it would be to your advantage to not let your feelings show.
@strawberryavalanche: "Your MIL is showing grandson that both his mommies are equally loved. This is a good environment for a child to grow up in."
THIS is exactly what you need to keep in mind. In the eyes of your stepson, you want to make sure your MIL is treating the two of you equally.
But then how do I act in those situations where I see her treated as my equal? That doesn't seem fair to me...
You react with grace and civility. My Dad always told us "Nobody ever guaranteed you that life would be fair"
You will be helping to teach this child how to behave in difficult situations which is what parenting (and step-parenting) is all about.
Wow: your MIL told your FH and his ex to go to marriage counselling?
Okay THAT ALONE would upset me, and I think need to be taken into account in the response you've received. (correct me if I'm wrong but I didn't see anyone addressing this)
This is totally batty of her to suggest. What in the world... seriously!?
I think you have a legitimate concern and right to be upset. This mess of people and mistakes is going to be your family soon! It's only right you are trying to get along and fit in but it's very hurtful for me to hear how you've been treated all this time.
Yes, I agree your FH and his mom will always remain in contact somehow with this lady. She is the mother of his first kid and their grandchild. I would only accept that as a reason for your in laws to reach out towards this woman. However, involving your FH's ex into your new life with FH has to be different!
I think the child's best interest should be first in everyone's mind but I totally agree with you that this behavior towards you is unacceptable. It seems she is just holding onto your FH when he is moving on with you. His child will always be a part of your relationship but his ex doesn't have to be!
If you are upset about this, listen to it. Feelings are there for a reason and if something is really upsetting you, talk with your FH about it. That's my best advice. IMO, hurt and upset feelings are a sign something's not right and your FH should come alongside you and be there with you through it. (( hugs )) I am sorry you are going through this right now!
You future family may never accept you but be sure you talk to the man who always will. Hope all goes well.
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