Need advice on bridesmaid reciprocity

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

That’s a tough one.. honestly, I think the ‘girl’ isn’t obliged to have your fiancee as a bridesmaid, and your fiancee should just swallow her pride, be the bigger person and not mind too much.. walking down the aisle is like a 2min job, and for the rest of the wedding I would hope your fiancee would be by your side and sitting next to you at the Reception. If she wasn’t going to sit next to you at the Reception or be by your side for the rest of the day, then I would say your fiancee would have a right to be pretty upset.. so I hope they are planning to put the two of you at the same table later on , etc..

When you talk to your friend I would just tell it like it is, say ”Do you know if x is thinking of having my fiancee as a bridesmaid? Because she’s a bit upset at the thought of me walking down the aisle with someone else and not really being in the wedding party..” and then just leave it at that and see what they decide.

Either way, I think your fiancee should try not to feel too upset or threatenend.. the other girl might have promised ”bridesmaid duty” to a lot of family members or college friends and might just not be able to have so many bridesmaids… tell her to not take it personally 🙂

Post # 3
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

totto:  Since the girl and your FI are not very close I think it would be rather rude to even enquire about her being a BM, cos this would put unnecessary pressure on the couple.

Also it is a very strange reason to ask someone to be a BM for walking down togther.

I would not feel obliged to ask someone to be a BM just because they asked me.

Im having ONLY 2 SILS and the reason for that is that I only want family(or best friends who sadly cant attend) in my bridal party pictures. This is def not case for everyone, I would feel rather threatened if someone ASKED to be a BM. I would have to say no and there would be unpleasant feelins.


Do enquire about the seating arrangements for the receptions, etc, thus very clearly hinting that your FI will feel bad being separated from you, etc and hope they get the hint.

Post # 4
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Yikes 😐 

I’m having my three best friends as my bridesmaids and none of them are my FI’s groomsmens wives. Everyone involved is secure enough not to feel threatened by their partner’s bridal party partner.

Instead of talking with your friend, I would talk to your fiancee and explain that it’s not yours (or anyone else’s for that matter) place to pester a bride into choosing certain bridesmaids. She will choose who she chooses. The other bride probably wasn’t expecting to be asked to be a BM and really is under no obligation to ask anyone to be a BM for her. End of story.

I would also stand your ground and not back out of being a groomsman for your friend, simply because your FI has petty issues with it. She should be happy for you and happy for the couple.

I hope that wasn’t too harsh but it really does seem a bit childish. Hope you can find a resolution, and best of luck with your wedding!

Post # 5
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yeah definitely don’t back out of being best man… you being best man and her being or not being a bridesmaid are two totally unrelated things… it would be crazy to back out of being best man 🙂 Your fiancee really will just have to get over it if she’s not asked..

Post # 6
1116 posts
Bumble bee

Your fiancee is being ridiculous! The bride is under no obligation to ask her to be a bridesmaid and asking you to not stand up for your friend as his bestman is unfair on you and could seriously damange your relationship with your friend.  What is her problem with you walking next to someone?  If she’s that jealous or insecure you should be dealing with her issues not agreeing to talk to the couple about a decision that is theirs to make.

Post # 7
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

totto:  you can’t ask anyone. That’s rude. My FIs best man’s FI is NOT in my wedding. BM asked me if his FI was gonna be a BM, and I got REALLY uncomfortable. I told him I didn’t know, but that’s just because I was shocked he’d ask! Choosing your bridal party is very personal. Walking down the aisle with someone that is not your partner, is something that happens frequently.  All of my FIs GMs are married/engaged. Not ONE of their wives is in my wedding. Not one. 

Your wife set herself up for this. She should have never asked this girl simply because of BMs relationship. That’s actually not the way it normally goes. You ask people that are close to you. This girl should not be pressured to ask your wife to be in her wedding, just because she was in yours.

Post # 8
7055 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

totto:  Sorry, but being a bridesmaid isn’t something that needs to be reciprocated. It’s sweet that you could “pair” them as a couple, but that isn’t practical for everyone, for all sorts of reasons. At least where I live, your bridal party “partner” is almosy always not your real life partner.

Don’t lobby to get your fiancee included. Picking a bridal party can be hard, and it is rude to pressure them.

Don’t drop out of being Best Man. You will walk up the aisle with the MOH, and pose with her in a few photos. It is zero threat to your relationship with your wife.

Post # 9
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

totto:  A word of caution: at this point, you dropping out of the BM role will likely be detrimental to your friendship with the groom, especially if he knows why. I would try to tell your FI how ridiculous she’s being (maybe show her this thread) and tell her you aren’t going to drop out or beg them to have her as a bridesmaid. I understand her feelings, but sometimes we have feelings we just have to suck up and get over. 

Post # 10
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also, just realized one more thing – even if she was a bridesmaid, you’d still be walking up the aisle with the MOH, not with your wife.. she wouldn’t be the MOH just because you’re the best man… so she’d just be walking up the aisle with another groomsman. I would really just let it go :).. I think on reflection, just let it go.. trying to be a bridesmaid will just cause more harm than good.

Post # 11
303 posts
Helper bee

totto:  Please don’t put that couple in such an akward situation. I think your fiance needs to suck it up. It really would be awful for her to tell you that you have to turn down being the best man for a very close friend of yours just to keep her from getting her panties in a bunch. She needs to grow up and act like a mature adult. If she is not chosen, please do not do that to your friend, it would be  very hurtful. Also, if you are the Best man you would walk with the MOH…so unless she thinks she will be upgraded to MOH  then you won’t be walking together anyway.

Post # 12
7936 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

totto:  she’s not obliged to make your fiancée be in her wedding at all. Walking down with someone else is 0% a big deal, and shouldn’t be an issue. I wouldn’t humor or pander to such an unreasonable thing.

Post # 13
6457 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re going to be walking with the MOH and I’m guessing your FI will definitely not be asked to be MOH if they aren’t very close. I think it’s rather possessive of her to want to be a BM just so you don’t walk down the aisle with someone else.

If I was in your shoes I would absolutely not ask for my FI to be a BM and I would not drop out just because my FI “hates the idea of me walking down the aisle with someone else.”

Post # 14
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand she feels left out but tell her to stop being ridiculous. You’re suppose to want to be in someone’s wedding to stand up and support them. Not to keep your man from walking down the aisel with someone else.

Unless she’s MoH, which I’m sure isn’t happening, she won’t walk down with you as a BM anyway.

Post # 15
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

totto:  Okay, I will give it to you straight, my advice… do NOT ask your friend this. It makes you and your fiancee look ridiculous! She will not be Maid of Honor, and you are the best man, she won’t be walking with you anyways. Her asking you to step down or wanting into a bridal party just because she is insecure about being away from you for alittle bit, shows we have a wayyyy bigger issue here. 

I feel it is rude to ask and will end up putting your groom and good friend into an awkward position, its their wedding day, that bride should be able to ask who she wants and not have to have people in her wedding party she doesnt want. It’s already tough to decide who to have, but to have someone ask, is just EEEEK. Don’t do it! 

If you feel bad for your fiance and want to help her out, then just be sure to be as attentive to her as you can on the day of so she doesn’t feel as left out. When you get to cocktail hour or return to the other guests after doing photos, etc, bring her over and introduce her to others in the bridal party, etc etc. Keep her by your side. 

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