Post # 1
I’m new to weddingbee so I’m not sure how this all works but I just got engaged two weeks ago and I’m already being asked by gfs if they are going to be a BM. My fiancé and I have already decided the number we would like to keep it to (preferably 5) and I’ve had well over a dozen girls express the desire to be a BM. So this is my problem, my best friend who I expected to be a co-MOH with my sister has not been supportive at all! She went as far as telling my fiancé that it was “too soon” when he told her he was going to propose (We’ve been dating for 2 years and living together for a year and a half). When I told her I was engaged her exact response was “Congrats, happy for you” via TEXT she didn’t even call me back to share my excitement with me. The problem is her and I have always talked about being each other’s MOH when the time came, but lately she has been nothing but a buzz kill. Fortunately I’m waiting 6 months before I pick my bridal party, so any advice on whether I should just wait it out and see if she comes around or just take this as her true colors finally being shown?
Also I’m in grad school and have met two girls that I have become very close with over the past year and a half, but I haven’t known them for longer than that. Has anyone ever picked a “newish” friend for a BM and not regretted it? I know your supposed to go with the oldest and most loyal friends but my friends from grad school have already been there for me through all the stress of grad school and know more about my future hubby and Is relationship than most of my other friends.
Most importantly, since I am waiting before I make decisions and will definitely not be able to choose everyone who is hoping to be chosen, how did everyone avoid hurting feelings of friends expecting to be BMs? I’ve tried talking to my sister and FH about this but they are both biased or just tell me to go with my gut, which isn’t helpful!
So any and all advice welcome please and thank you!!
(ps thank you to everyone who commented on the first post!)
Post # 2
Caseyjean5248: I’m in almost the exact opposite situation and didn’t have enough really cose friends to be bridesmaids, so my bridal party is MOSTLY “newish friends”. That said, I have two pieces of advice:
1. As for your best friend being a buzzkill…I don’t know your exact situation, but it sounds like you told her you were engaged via text, so she replied via text (could it be that she was a bit disappointed that you didn’t bother to call her or tell her in person?)…I definatly wouldn’t kick her out of the MOH position or bridal party over something like that. Give it some time and if you’re still having doubts when it’s officially choosing time, then have a heart-to-heart with her.
2. Just because some of your friends won’t be standing up with you during the wedding doesn’t mean that they can’t be involved. I would find ways to include everyone you’re close to so that you can assure the one’s who don’t get one of the coveted spots, “but I still want you there with me at the shower/bachelorette/etc.”…Invite the whole group for manicures before the big day, tell them to make sure you get pictures together with your photographer, etc. Not wearing a matching dress doesn’t lessen their friendship with you.
Post # 3
You can’t avoid hurting someone’s feelings. However, no one is entitled to be a BM, and it’s really rude that people are even asking if they are going to be your BM.
Here are my suggestions:
- Pick the people who you are close to and talk to frequently. Who cares if they’re “newish?”
- Do not pick anyone who is not happy for you and/or is a drama queen
- If you have any sort of expectation out of your BMs outside of them showing up to your wedding, communicate it to them, then ask if they think they still want to be a BM. For example, if you expect them to buy their own dress and shoes, let your BMs know. Also, let them know what the avg price for a dress/shoes are. I know some friends accept the BM responsibility so readily without thinking of how much it’s going to cost (e.g. dress, shoes, makeup, hair, hotel accommodations, flight, etc.)
- Choose BMs who are responsible, responsive, proactive, and not flakey. You have a hundred different things on your plate…worrying about your BMs shouldn’t be one of them. Don’t get me wrong, your wedding isn’t going to be the center of their world, but they should at least be courteous and let you know if they can’t attend one of your bridal functions.
Post # 4
Caseyjean5248: I have 2 newish friends to be in my party, one is a long time friend of FIs that I’ve become close to, and 1 is a friend I met at work.
I was nervous at first, but I do not regret it AT ALL! They’ve saved my wedding with being so supportive and helpful, a lot more so than my ‘old friends’.
Picking the party is rough, I don’t think there’s a way to avoid hurt feelings, you just need to make the decision and move on. I had one friend stop talking to me because I didn’t pick her… clearly we were never that good of friends or else she wouldn’t have added extra drama to my life and acted like a huge B.
The whole ‘letting them down gently’ by talking to them is something that I’m back and forth on. I think in that one instance it would have helped the situation, but clearly that person was being irrational and it seems pretty presumptuous to ‘let someone down’… like who the hell are you to think that everyone is dying to be in your wedding party?! Get off your high horse. That’s how I felt anyways (and I’m saying you as in the collective you, not you you! lol).
Oh- I also had one friend guily me and not so subtley insist on being in my wedding, then I asked her… then she avoided me and ended up dropping out because of money issues. I think people want the honour of being asked, but not the responsibilities of being in a wedding.
Not sure if any of this helps, but that was my experience, good luck! 🙂
Post # 5
amanda.417: I called my bestie right after I sent her a picture of the ring I say that she read it (we both have iPhones) so I called, she didn’t answer but immediately responded with the “congrats, happy for you”
and great idea with inviting them in on other parts of the process! I never even thought of that!
Post # 6
If someone isn’t excited for you to begin with… it probably won’t get better as time goes on. Don’t pick them and save yourself the trouble.
Pick people you are close with, who you speak to frequently and are very comfortable with, and who are genuinely excited for you and want to be involved.
Post # 7
Caseyjean5248: AVOID asking someone that responds that way. I have had the same issues with my group not being so helpful -_-
Post # 8
Picks the girls you couldn’t imagine getting married without. I had six girls. My sister snd sister in law – easy to include my sis in law as we are close. My best friend from growing up, my best friend from high school, a good friend from my early 20s and my cowrorker who is my day to day best friend for about 3 years. My friend from growing up and I go through phases where we talk a lot snd then not so much for a few weeks and the wedding brought us close again and Im so happy for that! I think it depends on your age too. I’m 32 and I know my married friends with kids prefer to be a guest at a wedding of someone they have sort of drifted from