- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
Mrgh, deleted because apparently this got “worked out.” Whatever.
Mrgh, deleted because apparently this got “worked out.” Whatever.
Truth is, no one knows what’s going on with that family besides them. The only thing you really can do is ask them about it and it does not need to be “confrontational.” You’re all adults. I would just have your FI nicely ask if there’s a reason they have been offstandish and if he still can commit to the wedding.
@deetroitwhat: The problem is that bringing it up at all would be considered “confrontational.” Apparently FMIL spoke with A last night and it “cleared a lot of things up.” But I guess my opinion and my worry for my FI’s feelings doesn’t matter because I’ve been told to “let [him] worry about [his] family” and to “try to stay neutral.” Too late for that, as I’ve been pissed off about the way they’ve been treating others for a long time.
It’s not fun, but it’s sort of right. There are things my husband lets his family get away with that I necessarily don’t agree with, but it’s not my relationship to maintain. Right now it sounds to me like this doesn’t involve you; it’s your FI that’s hurt. And he has to be the one to worry about that. I know it bothers you — I get that. It’s just that if he’s not willing to do anything about it, then it’s not your place either.
Oh, I’m sorry. That sounds so ridiculous! It’s so awkward/hurtful when a portion of your family sections themselves off from the rest of the family, so I feel for your FH.
I wish I had better advice, but all I can really say is that I’d stop expecting anything from them. It sounds like you have, but your FH is still hopeful. Understandable, definitely, but it doesn’t sound like they’re going to be coming back down from Crazy Mountain anytime soon and holding any expectations of their behavior will probably just lend itself to getting hurt again.
About sending an email to FBIL– I don’t think it’s inappropriate to send an email worded like your sample. It’s innocent, non-confrontational, and still gets the point across and allows you access to information. If he answers you, I guess, since you were saying he doesn’t answer emails really. But anyway, something non-confrontational like that is the best way to go about it, especially so that you don’t upset your FH somehow by emailing.
@acciotoni: I’m not going to email him anymore. It’s not worth my time or energy. FI fully believes that his brother won’t let him down because he was “joking about losing weight for the wedding.” IDGAF, honestly, because I’ll believe it in 7 months when I see it.
They seem like they are NOT doing well. I wonder if W has post-partum depression, or if one or both of them didn’t really want to have a kid.
You can’t fix the relationship between A&W and your FI’s parents. That’s for them to work out (although it is 100% OK for you to look at it and think that they’re being crappy adult children)
As far as your actual wedding goes…I would have every system in place to have someone else be ready to step up as the best man. I think your instincts are right, that your FBIL probably will disappoint your FI, and so you need to take whatever steps you can to minimize the disruption to your event. Their drama should not be center stage on a happy day for the two of you. If that means emailing him to ask what he’s thinking about for the bachelor party (and/or any other wedding related stuff), I think that’s fine. Information gathering in that case is totally acceptable, as is disseminating information early and often. (This is the schedule for the wedding day. Just as a reminder, this is the schedule for the wedding day. FBIL, we’ll see you tomorrow at 10AM when everyone is gathering.)
BUT. I know you aren’t going to want to hear this, but ultimately, for the wedding and beyond, your husband-to-be is going to have to take charge of that relationship, not you. I know you said that he’s non-confrontational. But sometimes it takes people flaking out on major events for non-confrontational people to realize that a relationship is really broken. You can provide whatever sort of evaluation of FBIL/FSIL’s behavior that you want (and I would be loud and clear about it — they seem like a hot mess) — but ultimately, your FI is in the driver’s seat with his relationship with his family. (Your relationship with his family is completely yours to negotiate, though, and if they screw things up with YOU, you can feel free to tell them about it.)
Not sure what’s gong on, but here’s a big *hug*, now lets go have a drink!
@village_skeptic: It’s funny you say that, since they say ALL THE TIME that they’re not having any more, and that this is “harder than they thought” and stuff that really makes me think they thought they wanted kids, but didn’t really. They’ve told us several times not to have children. I find that ironic, seeing as W used to be a teacher. FMIL brought up a while back that she wondered if they were having marital problemss, and said that she had a feeling that they’d separated and that W moved back here but didn’t want to tell us. That didn’t happen, but their relationship doesn’t make sense–FI has even said he has no idea why they kept dating and got married.
As for their relationship with my in-laws, I have no interest in fixing that (nor their relationship with my FI)–I’m the kind of person who nips things like this in the bud (meaning it should have been brought up when the behavior started), and when the behavior continues, that person is removed from my life. I wanted to bring to A’s attention the fact that he’s being incredibly disrespectful to everyone and basically shitting on his family because no one else will. I’m sorry, but marriage is about compromise, not letting one side of the family hog all of your time. W swatted FI’s grandma’s hand away from their kid at one point, and everyone about lost it. I think that was the evening that four of us ended up in tears after they left.
Ultimately, I’m worried that they’ll continue to think that this behavior is acceptable. I don’t do late, especially not chronically, and my one bridezilla rule is that you need to show up on time and ready to go for the rehearsal and the wedding itself. I am not asking anything else of the wedding party (especially since the majority of them live out of town). I’m just afraid that if they can’t be bothered meet people on time for lunch, they’ll be late for the wedding, too (W is not involved at all).
@Araya: Heh, thanks. Basically my FBIL and FSIL are inconsiderate assholes and I’m tired of it, but no one will say anything to them, and I’m afraid that FBIL is going to let my FI down for the wedding. Right after I posted this, I was told in not so many words that it had been handled and that my opinion/feelings were not wanted.
@vorpalette: I almost wonder whether A isn’t spending much time with your FI’s family because he’s embarassed to be around them with things so weird between him and his wife and his kid. I totally don’t know these people, and I’m remembering the post from earlier, but it really sounds like things are just bad with them and they aren’t functioning very highly right now. (Which sucks in terms of your wedding and A’s relationship with his family, of course, but…)
I wonder what it’s like when they’re at W’s parents? Have your FI’s folks talked to her folks about any of their concerns?
ETA: Sorry for keeping the thread going if you’re just as happy to let it die. But my brother and SIL are totally nuts themselves, and so I do a fair amount of processing with my folks about WTF is going on there.
@village_skeptic: I know that there has been a little contact between the two sets of parents, but not much. I can’t stand her parents, tbh (her dad is a psychotic racist and her mom is saccharine-sweet, probably to combat the fact that her husband is an asshole). She’s actually the favorite between her and her sister, and her parents make that very well known (they gave a substantial sum for her wedding and then told her older sister that they didn’t think she’d ever get married, so she’d have to have a small, backyard wedding).
That’s a good point about him being embarrassed, though. I know I would be, but I sure as hell wouldn’t let that shit continue. FI did say that his mom spoke with A and “cleared some things up,” but either he doesn’t know or it’s filed in the “none of [my] business” category–probably the former, since he hasn’t really spoken to his mom today, but who knows.
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