Weddingbee boards

Ok, so I need some advice with our wedding budget and what it traditionally covers! 

When we first got engaged we had a discussion and I proposed that we sit down with our parents and ask them if they would like to contribute to our wedding, and if so what they would be willing to contribute.  When we had that discussion FIs first reaction was that he thought his parents would pay for the rehearsal dinner and the rest was the brides responsibility because that is what he thought was traditional.  When I explained that if we were doing it traditionally, there are other expenses that the groom and his family cover as well, he hemmed and hawed because he didn’t realize.  Which is fine, guys don’t usually do a lot of wedding research, but at that point he knew that there was a bit more to it than bride pays for everything and he just shows up. 

Fast forward….after I had the discussion with my parents, they offered me and my FI a generous sum of money.  It is more than enough to cover our wedding.  The remainder was our gift and to be used as we want to start our lives together.  I am so grateful of my parents for this!  My fiancés family offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol (which is BYOB).  They are well off.  While I am very grateful for getting this contribution, I was a little surprised that they did not offer to cover some of the other “traditional” grooms side expenses.  I’m not upset about it, it was honestly just surprising to me. 

So now as things progress with planning, I am starting to get to a point where we decide what is covered by the money that my parents contributed, vs. what is our responsibility.  I recently had one of those “red flag” discussions with him so need to get it sorted out!  During our planning discussions last night I found out that my FI was expecting that my parents money was going to cover EVERYTHING else.  Down to the gifts for his groomsmen.  He also asked me to reimburse him for the sheet of stamps that he bought.  I almost fell over.  That sheet of stamps was the first money he spent on this wedding….it just seemed stingy!!! Now I realize we need to get on the same page as to what is being covered from which pots of money.  I feel like my FI thinks that the gift from my parents relieves him of all financial obligation.  While I realize there is no set “obligation” for who pays for what in a wedding, I do feel like it’s a union and we should all be contributing since it is more meaningful than just having my parents pay for everything.  And I don’t really want to get down to nickel and diming our expenses (e.g., stamps).  I have paid for some things out of my personal savings because I thought they were my responsibility outside of my parent’s funded wedding budget, so I think it should be mutual.

So I’m looking to you all for advice before I sit down with him and have this conversation!  Given the situation, what do you think is still reasonable to expect the groom/grooms family to contribute?  Some example items which I think we definitely need to clarify are grooms attire, groomsmen gifts, parents gifts, rings, officiant, and honeymoon. I am not going to mandate that he contributes anything, but I think I need to at least have my ducks in a row before entering into this sort of touchy conversation!  Thanks for any help/advice/support you can offer!

Do you expect the money to be from him or from his parents?  Once you're married, his pot of money will be combined with yours anyway, right?  In that sense I don't understand the concern.  Or do you expect his parents to be paying for things like groomsmen gifts?

@philabride2bee:  I know eventually it will all come out of one pot, but right now our finances are completely separate.  So maybe it's just perception?  I think it would be very strange if I cut him a check to go buy his groomsmen presents! I mean, they are gifts, from him not me!  I also think part of it is that he seems like he expects that he doesn't have to pay for anything, which is part of what is irking me about the situation. 

Thanks for the feedback!  I wish we could have gotten a set dollar amount instead of them just saying they will cover it, that's how most of my friends have worked things, but it didn't work out that way for us.  I did show him lists of things and how they were separated, but I think the fact that my parent's contribution would cover all those things made him think that he and/or his family were no longer responsible.  I use "responsible" loosely, but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say!

I would just sit down with him and both your parents have have them give you an exact amount of money. For example, the grooms parents will contribute $2000 and the bride $8000. Anything else will need to be covered by you and your FI. That way you will know exactly what is covered and what is not.

It sounds like your FI is assuming that he won't have to put out a dime for your wedding. Maybe you need to explain to him that times have changed and that you both will have to somewhat contribute financially to the wedding. I am assuming that your parents have not given you an unlimited budget? I think this would be the easiest way that way you can figure out what the money from your parents will cover and what you two will have to pay for out of pocket.

@les105:  I don't think I ever said that money was "my money". I consider it my parents contribution to our wedding.  Whatever is left over is our money to spend how we please.  Currently, it is in my bank account since my parents have written the checks to me and we have not combined finances yet, and I have been paying the bills with it, so it's my money in that sense, but I'm just holding onto it for the two of us.

I guess I just thought it was odd that he thought this was going to cover things like his groomsmen gifts.  But, that's why I posted this here before I talk to him!

@les105:  I see what you are saying and I think it comes down to perception since the money currently resides in my account.  Anything that we pay for that's going towards the wedding is coming out of my account, and I have to write him a check to reimburse him.  So yes, in the end it will all be one pot and it won't matter.  But he also has savings so it's not like he needs the "wedding money" to cover things like gifts, so that's why I thought it could potentially be an issue as things progress and we need to get on the same page asap.  So this is good, different perspective :)  So what I'm taking away is that I need to ditch the perception issue that I'm having and face the reality that it's all going to be one pot anyway, so just pay for it out of the wedding fund my parents gave us even though it might not be what I thought was traditional and get over it :P

@Tigrrlily04:  I think it is reasonable to expect the groom's family to pay for whatever they offer to pay for.  Unless somebody offers to pay for something (withOUT being asked) it is the responsibility of the bride & groom to pay for everything.

@Lulusmom:  What I don't think is fair though is that he expects to contribute ZERO.  I don't expect to contribute zero out of my personal money.  I also don't think that if this were opposite I would have asked his parents to buy my bridal party gifts.  I have not used the wedding fund for small purchases here and there, my jewelry, my ring, and the gifts I have bought so far.  I wasn't nickel and diming the fund and I didn't think gifts were part of the overall wedding budget.  He obviously thinks differently.  So these are the things that we need to sort out between the two of us.  If I am paying for things out of my savings and he is expecting that similar things come out of the fund, then we are on two different pages here and we need to be on the same page.  I'm sure he will be reasonable about it and I think I have to change my views of what I thought the fund was for and what it will actually be used for. 

I think a few of you have hit the nail on the head as to what I’m feeling here.  First, I am a little uncomfortable with the unevenness of the contributions.  I realize that my parents caused that unevenness, so not much I can do there besides go back to them and tell them that I think their contribution was too generous and I would feel better about things if they didn’t provide us with this sort of money.  Or alternatively, just get over it.  I guess part of it is that I feel like my parent’s generosity is being taken advantage of a little bit (not necessarily on purpose though).  I’ll think more about how to handle what I’m feeling here.   

The second thing is that it seems like FI sees it as that my parents gave all this money so now he doesn’t have to contribute anything.  This is where I think we have the major miscommunication that we need to sort out.  When my parents provided the money, I thought it would cover what was traditionally the brides responsibility, and a few more things, but not the entire affair.  He knows what the traditional grooms expenses are after I showed him, but he obviously thought that the money my parents gave was enough to cover those expenses too, so it should be used in that way.  So we need to iron out where the line is.  I don’t blame him for trying, but I also think it should be a somewhat joint effort.  I think we should probably go down the list, and just pick a few things that he will cover, then use my parents money for the rest. 

The third thing is these little expenses. He is really not stingy on a day to day basis, we’ve lived together for almost a year and been together for about 4 years, and never have we had any issues like this.  We pretty much go halves on everything and he offers to pay for things without issue.  So I think it is just stemming from the miscommunication over what the “wedding fund” is for.  And I don’t think the stamps themselves were the issue so much,stamps are technically part of the stationary budget, so they are part of the wedding budget.  It just totally struck me the wrong way when he mentioned it.  All I could think of was that my parents gave us all this money for the wedding, I’ve been using my personal money to spend on things here and there, and he was asking to be reimbursed for the $20 he spent on stamps which was the first purchase he made for the wedding!  I think what I need to do to avoid these little nit expenses that are going to annoy me when they are mentioned is to ask him to keep a running list of any little expenses and every couple months we’ll add them up and figure out how it’s appropriate to pay for them.

Thanks for all your input!  It’s really helpful to see other peoples perspectives on this!

@Tigrrlily04:  Wow...so is he expecting your parents money to pay for the traditional "thank you" parents gift for his parents as well as the groomsmen's gifts? After reading through your post and the comments, I'd be really interested to hear how your conversation ended up! I think you two are definitely looking at it differently and that it's important to get on the same page before more things are purchased.

My parents gave us a set amount for our wedding, but all of the frivolous/personal things (wedding bands, gifts, etc.) DH and I paid for out of pocket. We ended up having money left over in the wedding fund and that went toward purchasing our first house. Without going into detail, lets just say that the contributions or lack of between DH's family and mine were very imbalanced-- so I understand a bit what you're feeling inside!