Need advice on how to handle a sticky situation with our friends

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LadyBlackheart:  Tell them that you or SO recently were diagnosed with severe allergies to dog dander.  Say that you won’t be able to visit in their home for more than half an hour, doctor’s orders, unless they’re able to vacuum and get all the hair/dander up before you come over.  Tell them that you/SO have been suffering massive attacks when you get home after a visit and you were embarrassed to tell them but that you really want to keep seeing them.

Not saying that honesty isn’t the best policy…but this is honestly what I would do haha.  I always try to keep the peace.

Post # 4
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Do not make up a dog allergy. 

I wouljust do just avoid going over there and invite them to elsewhere more often.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We know a couple like this, they had one kitty litter for 10 cats, their house stinks, they have dead bugs everywhere, even rotting food in the pantry… 

We didn’t like this couple anyway, so we don’t go there anymore, but god it was disgusting.

I actually think the dog allergy idea might work out well. It also explains why you haven’t gone there lately, and if they want you there they’ll have to clean up. I don’t really know how people can live in a constant state of filth, especially when they have children.

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would be honest and say that you feel uncomfortable at their home.  When you get home there is just too much dog hair on your clothes and in your car.

Post # 7
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

That’s so hard because you don’t want to offend…but I’d say something like, “wow, do you find that you have to clean more often with all the animals?  I’d be cleaning everyday, multiple times.  I’m a neat freak like that though.  LOL.  Hey, let me know if you ever need any help around here.”

Post # 8
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Over the years, I’ve known people who had houses like this.

I used to volenteer to help the elderly or disabled and knew a lady who was a hoarder. She wasn’t really elderly [around 50], and she wasn’t disabled, but she needed rides to and from stores and banks. Her whole house filled with boxes of rotting, old nasty “stuff”. Things that were just useless.. old baby clothes from 40 years ago, boxes of newspapers. She saved everything from empty vegetable cans, to twist ties.. to those styrofoam trays that is under meat at the supermarket.

Her house was disgusting, to say the least. There was only a small 2 foot walkway to walk room to room between all the boxes piled to the ceiling. The kitchen was covered in grease, and grime. The floor was almost black. She never bathed because there were boxes in her shower.

Everything was stored so long in her house…. 30 years or more of collected garbage and never cleaning that she had a cockroach infestation. She would track the cockroach eggs into my car, once I found a cockroach in my car, that was it.

I eventually told the place that I would be unable to assist her anymore until she cleaned her house a bit, and she has yet to do so. I felt bad, but her house was digusting and a health hazard.

I would avoid your friends house at all costs, find other places to go even if its not as convienant, or invite them over to your place.

Post # 9
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m not a fan of lying, but you could suggest that one of you have been having issues lately, and you might think it’s related to dogs.

I would also probably playfully whine about how you always o to their hour but they never make the trek out to see you.  Would they have to get a baby-sitter, or could they bring her along?  It sounds likethe daughter is there when you go to their house anyways.

Post # 11
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@ebarnes0:  +1

I agree with the dog allergy excuse.  I’m normally on the blunt side but if otherwise they’re good friends, this is the best solution to keep the peace.  

Or for one of their birthdays, you can also give them a gift certificate for a cleaning service “I know between all the dogs/cats and your child it’s hard to find time to clean the house…”  that would solve the mud issue as well as the pet hair.  

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LadyBlackheart:  Again, not suggesting that honesty isn’t the best policy, I’m just more inclined to always keep the peace in friendships and if that means inventing something to keep the other person’s feelings from being hurt…I just do.  Not saying it’s the right thing, it’s just what I do.  People can grow into allergies very easily, and then grow back out of them just as easily.  It’s very normal.

Post # 13
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@LadyBlackheart:  I would invite them over with their daughter. I assume the daughter is there when you go over, so why couldn’t she come to your apartment?

You said there are not many places to go or things to do, but I don’t see that as a valid reason to go somewhere you don’t want to be. I’d rather stay home than be in a dirty house. 

I have a dog and I am the laziest homemaker ever. That’s why I hired a cleaning lady so we wouldn’t have to live in a slum. Also, our dog is so well trained he would never think of jumping on anyone.

My sister has 3 dogs, 2 kids, and she’s pregnant with twins – her house is spotless (except for general kid mess, but not actual dirt) so being a mom is not an excuse. 

I think you either suck it up and go there or stop going there. I do not think it’s wise to tell grown adults to clean their house or train their animals. Everyone knows what they need to do and it’s their choice whether or not they do it. 

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oooh, that’s a tough situation.  If it were me, I would just say that the drive is getting to be a bit expensive and you’re try to cut back on how much money you’re spending on gas.  This way, you don’t have to go there as often, and you’re not telling them that their house is disgusting.  

Post # 15
Member
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@LadyBlackheart:  I wouldn’t use the dog allergy thing, especially if you guys plan on ever having dogs.

Maybe have a heart to heart with her and say, “You know veronica, sometimes your dogs are too much to handle.” And then give her some examples of how you’re overwhelmed by them. Maybe she’ll take a hint and keep the dogs outside or in another room when you guys visit. 

The house cleaning thing… well that’s a whole new territory… and I’m not really sure how to politely bring that subject up.

Post # 16
Member
5432 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

I have a friend exactly like this. It’s disgusting. My FI and I would go over to her apartment (which she shared with her boyfriend, his huge dog, her cat, and her guinea pig) and it would be HORRIBLE. It would smell horrible, there would even be dishes piled on the floor, she didn’t own a vacuum and wouldn’t clean the carpets. She didn’t vacuum for an entire YEAR. Their dining room was full of old pizza boxes they were too lazy to take to recycling. At the end of the year, she piled up all the boxes and took a picture. She had over 7ft of pizza boxes (like almost 100 boxes!!). Basically it was always super filthy and it was awkward because we had to hide our disgust. We just stopped going over there. We just kept making excuses and we tried to invite them over as much as possible. They always said no, so it’s similar to your situation. Because of money constraints, they also didn’t want to do activities outside the home, no matter how cheap. I really don’t have any advice for you, but I just want to let you know that you aren’t alone in dealing with this. It’s gross and I’ve been there too. Eventually they stopped asking us to come over, but that also meant that we pretty much stopped hanging out. They ended up moving 6 hours away for her internship and should be moving back in the next couple of months. Thankfully she’ll be living with her mom, because her and her boyfriend are taking a break from living together. Her mom’s house is messy, but nothing compared to their apartment so I can handle that ahah.

Maybe you could just tell them you’ve developed an allergy to filth and dirty homes aha. Just kidding, obviously that’s super mean. Maybe just say you’re trying to save money on gas like a PP suggested?

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