Post # 1
Need some advice as this is not something I would discuss with anyone in real life. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years, we have a mortgage and 2 toddlers And guess what no proposal. He is an amazing father and partner and I would not consider leaving him over this.
For the first 7 years of our relationship money was not an issue we could easily have afforded a wedding, I wasn’t looking for a big event I’m not the type that likes to be the centre of attention so wouldn’t have been comfortable with that. Things have been tighter in the last few years and this has been his excuse but I know there has been numerous occasions when we could have afforded to get engaged and start saving toward a small wedding. we have talked (and argued) about it and he just keeps saying he does want to marry me and would get married tomorrow if things were different financially, at this point, 13 years in, it all just sounds like empty words to placate me.
i am so hurt by all this when I think about It it get very down and upset. its humiliating and I feel even if he did propose now all the good is gone out of it and it’s just meaningless. The last time we talked about it I told him I was no longer interested in getting married we were past that stage and I never wanted to discuss it again I was sick of the whole thing. it has come up a couple of times since when we’ve been talking about friends etc and he trots out the old ‘ oh I’d get married tomorrow’ I just say I am not having this conversation and thats it. I’ve made this decision to try and get back some self respect, it’s just I feel so bitter and let down and angry about it all.
Sorry about the epic post but can anyone give me some advice on how I can move past this so I can fully enjoy the lovely family that I do have.
Post # 2
Frustratedlady: That’s a tough one. You already have a home and kids together. Why he doesn’t want to get married I can’t say, because a wedding doesn’t have to cost money. A marriage doesn’t require a ring or a party. You can exchange vows, sign the paperwork, and have it done with for whatever fee your city requires. Explain this to him in a calm manner. Good luck!
Post # 3
I have no advice for you I’m sorry. I just wanted to say you must feel so bad. I hope things work out for you.
Post # 4
Frustratedlady: can you call his bluff? Say something like “you always say you’d marry me tomorrow. Why not go to the courthouse? It would be cheap and we could do something bigger at a later point if the money situation improves. Or we can get married next week and invite our families to witness it and have dinner here to celebrate. I’m at the point where I don’t need the wedding or engagement, but I do need the sane last name as my kids and the respect that comes from being an honest women” Then see his reaction.
Post # 5
Frustratedlady: Next time he says that, say, ‘Ok sweetheart, lets go down to the courthouse tomorrow’ with a couple of witnesses. If he says no to that, tell him that you demand that he tell you the truth about wanting (or not wanting) to marry you.
Post # 6
I agree with everyone about calling his bluff. You can even get married at a beautiful local park for a small fee and a donation to an officiant and have as many friends and family you want show up to witness. I know here in NYC it would cost a 50 dollar fee to wed at central park. So really, he will have no excuse once you explain to him that you don’t need the party, just the marriage.
Post # 7
Maybe he legitimately thinks that you will want to have a big wedding and that it will get out of control and end up costing a ton of money? I’m not sure. At this point in your relationship, I don’t think any of the traditional excuses are valid anymore. You’ve done everything BUT get married, you have kids and a house together, you should at the very least, be legally protected by marriage should something happen to one of you. I agree with PPs that you should call his bluff about getting married on the cheap at the courthouse. If he doesn’t agree, then there may be something else preventing him from proposing. He’s already committed to you, so why should he cause a strain on your relationship by dragging his feet?
Post # 8
He felt like he could afford two children & a house but not marriage? That’s not making any sense to me. There’s something wrong with this picture.
Maybe calling his bluff is your only option at this point. At least you should get some answers.
Post # 9
“Things have been tighter in the last few years and this has been his excuse but I know there has been numerous occasions when we could have afforded to get engaged and start saving toward a small wedding.”
When time are tight, when you have 2 toddlers, when you have a mortgage- he is absolutely smart and sensible to say “No” to a wedding. And a wedding you have to start saving up for isn’t exactly”small”. It’s incredibly responsible of him to think of more important stuff, like taking care of his family. He is being a good partner and father right now, you just need to see that.
Go to the courthouse. Not to “call his bluff”, but because that’s smart thing to do legally and financially. Sounds like your life is already full of better things than a party and a white dress and a ring.
(I don’t know your financial situation, but if he wants to build up your savings for emergencies, or pay the mortgage, or start a kids’ college fund, or go on a family vacation – all of these things sound so, so, so much better than a wedding).
Post # 10
I wouldn’t say you’re “calling his bluff” but just say “You said you’d marry me tomorrow, lets do it.”
If it’s any reassurance, I don’t think that he doesn’t want to marry you. I think he doesn’t want a wedding. He obviously wants to be with you and the children you have together. He’s not going anywhere.
I’m willing to bet he just sees the whole wedding fluff as a hassle. Unfortunately no matter how many times we say we don’t want a big wedding sometimes they don’t believe it until they see it lol
Post # 11
Exaftly — call his bluff. When he says he’d marry you tomorrow, say, ok, let’s do it.
I don’t get the financial excuse because getting married doesn’t have to cost much at all. You can go to the courthouse, or you can have a really simple celebration wiith your closest family at your home, or wahtever. There are tons of options.
What’s expensive is living together and having 2 toddlers! Getting married is nothing compared to that.
Post # 12
If he is willing to get marrried tomorrow as he says and it’s just a money issue, then why not just get a stand in CZ engagement ring and why not just go to the courthouse with your immediate family and get married? At the end of the day it’s all about the commitment and marriage, not the party and the ring. You can set a date for a wedding party maybe 2 years later? So you both have time to save up some money.
I see a lot of bees using CZ rings until they can actually replace it in the future? OR just go for no engagement ring at all?
I plan on getting LEGALLY MARRIED in a small casual ceremony with just my closest friends and family in a year now (can’t wait to be married to the love of my life!) but I actually want more time to plan my catholic wedding and actual wedding party so that will be happening in like a year and a half. I love it happening this way because I feel I can enjoy every single stage and take my time.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
Men think marriage and they think big expensive wedding and they stress internally at the financial costs of it all. It doesn’t have to be. Marriage does not equate to big expensive wedding. You need to reiterate that to him.
I would save up and get 2 plain bands and go to the courhouse at this point. Buy one at a time if you have to, have the money for the license/courthouse all ready to go and when you have it all, just go and do it.
Post # 14
You are giving him the marriage without actually getting married. You got a house togther and had his children, he knows that you won’t leave him if he doesn’t marry you.
Sounds like his is perfectly happy the way things are
Post # 15
^^ I agree. You’re giving him the milk, without having to buy the cow. Why would he need to get married when he’s already getting everything he wants?