Weddingbee boards

Hello hive!

I have never really posted here, however I am in need of advice on a letter to my parents, preferably from other parents, particularly who are religious. There is a bit of personal details in this letter. Background story: My father is the pastor at our local Christian church. Neither of my parents believe in sex before marriage or even spending the night at his house before we are married. Obviously both are occurring in my place. I pay rent to my parents and have for YEARS now. HOWEVER I am a wedding and event planner, so when I have a late event, I sleep at his house (I live at least 30 minutes south from all my events and he is usually 10 minutes away). He also does not drive, so I need to be there to help him out once in a blue moon (even though he does GREAT with public transportation). My parents love him and love me and love us together, but they won't back off. We are getting married April 8th, 2011. HOWEVER, my parents basically told me I need to move out and live with him since I cannot obey their rules. BUT I PAY RENT!!!!!!!! I love him and I want to marry him NOW but I also want my princess day and I don't want to live with him for the next 9 months if I am not his wife. So I wrote a response letter to my parents that I plan to email them today. Please read and advise your advise. I do not want to loose my parents either. If you need further information on the "story" feel free to ask. Thanks for your time and attention to this insanity! 

For the first time on Monday, I saw you both in another light. You say that I do not respect you but you are both still treating me like I am five years old instead of seeing me as an independent adult who is about to turn 24 years old, get married and begin her own family. You have yet to learn to respect me. There are so many things and such a bigger picture happening right now around you and you are totally missing it all. Take sister B – she is going down the same path I was. I was a mistake – but if it happens to sister B, it is totally your fault because now you have the experience and you are not learning from it. She is borderline depressed and she is eating herself to death. In two years she has easily gained 50 pounds. She sits at home and does nothing all day and eats more than is necessary. And then she is rewarded with a new camera. She is NOT paying rent (to my knowledge) and if she is, she isn’t paying enough to motivate her and get her moving. Do you realize that with me, it is ALWAYS something??? I eat too much, I disappoint you. I don’t practice my music, I disappoint you. I date a girl, I disappoint you. I get raped and somehow I still disappoint you. I don’t go to college, I disappoint you. I fall in love with and dedicate my time to helping an alcoholic and I disappoint you. Can you see the bigger picture? I am a certified wedding specialist (on my own – no financial help from you – no acknowledgement or reward from you). I am an event coordinator within a successful company. I make decent money and have an emergency savings fund of $8500. I continue to meet all my bills and now I am crazy in love with an amazing guy and engaged to be married and I still somehow, amidst all of this, am disappointing you. My sin is my sin. I may agree with a lot of things you say and believe, but I am still my own person and I make my own choices. I also deal with my own sin. My life is the best it has been because of Erik. He sees my flaws and my areas of weakness and he does not put me down. He advises me on how to grow and gives me the room to do so. For the first time in my life, I fit in. With this family, there was never a sense of belonging except with grandma. She is the only one who listens, does not talk over me, does not judge me and does not expect me to listen to her advice. She knows they are my mistakes to learn from, and she will be there to pick up the pieces. You guys did a great job and I love you with my whole heart. But you have never been able to listen to me or hold a real conversation with me or really understand what is going on. You say that I don’t know how to communicate but I have learned NOT to because you never let me say my peace. I have always felt like an outsider looking in to my own family. Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep?? Do you know how depressed and how obese I felt my entire life?? Do you know how much it sucked and how much it continues to suck that I am addicted to food and I cannot just stop eating because I need food to survive!? Do you know how seriously I got down on my knees and begged God in tears to take me home and out of the physical pain of this body? You never asked why I blow up. You just blew up back. You just dished out punishments and rules instead of seeing if there was a bigger picture that you were somehow missing. You never considered how unhappy I was and what you could do to help. You are trying to avoid a relationship with me similar to that of dad and grandma cookie’s and yet you are pushing me there. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and yet you are making it miserable. The only person who is supposed to be happier than me and prouder than me, are the two of you. And ironically you are the two attempting to ruin my day. You are not enjoying the moment and it will pass you by. I have dreamt since I was a little girl of my white cinderalla dress, my yellow rose bouquet, my daddy walking me down the aisle, the tears on my mommy’s face, the love of my sisters to their new brother, my father daughter first dance, my fairytale wedding. Now it feels more like a funeral. You have presented me with the option to move in with fiancée or stay at home but there is truly no more in between. If I stay at home, I am going to be miserable because frankly I don’t like either one of you right now, my family is lazy and there is never anything to do at our house and I do not want to be in that pattern anymore. On top of it, my schedule and Erik’s are so opposite right now that I will never see him and I am not okay with that. Or I can move in with him and begin our lives together now. I love him and he loves me. So we are both okay with that. But we do not want to truly live together 100% and not be married. So now, I have to get married in the courts. At which point, doing the wedding later is stupid and a waste of money. And if I get married in the courts, I’ll save a crap load of money sure, but I’ll also never forgive myself. For the first time in my life this is a time that it truly can be all about me and I do not want to deprive myself of that day. We called his parents to see what they would say about everything. His dad said for me to move in. If we love each other, then that should be our priority and all the challenges and financial issues we may face will fall into place. The funny thing is, my parents, who claim they love me and they love him, have “doomed us” from the start. Do you realize, dad, how many times it has come out of your mouth that we would not make it until april 8th? Do you realize how that hurts me? And in front of sister B's best friend you said it like it was funny. If you think about it, this goes back to the no respect for me issue.  You know, you told me the biggest reason I could not run a youth group within our church is because I am not an example. But you never saw the bigger picture. First, sister B asked and you said yes. But you never gave anyone else an opportunity to want to do it. Ironically, you say that I am not an example but there are so many things you say every Sunday behind the pulpit and are completely opposite of those lessons at home. You never thought that I am trying to build a stronger and better relationship with God, for myself and for my marriage and this was a responsibility I could take on to help strengthen my biblical mind. You never thought that I’ve screwed up so much in my life time that I have a ton of life lessons to teach these kids. You get frustrated because I get defensive and walk away, but you never hear my side. You call me selfish, but we all have our selfish tendencies and I think I’ve spent a good part of my life putting others first. Even with my own wedding, I went above and beyond to find dresses the girls were comfortable in, that I liked that did not cost them a fortune and that they’d be willing to reuse. I wasn’t even in love with the dresses they bought, but they were and they would work if they had to, so I stepped back. Sorry, but that’s a pretty selfless move. Do you realize when I sleep at fiancées, even if it’s only one night a week, that our relationship (yours and mine) is the best it is because we have space? Do you realize the only reason you want me to pick or choose is because it looks bad on you? EVERYONE KNOWS ALREADY! And if I stop doing it, they’re not going to notice or care. What about my best friend? She had TWO babies out of wed-lock. Don’t you think her dad was hurt and disappointed and embarrassed that it was physically obvious to everyone? But he loves those girls to death. He adores my best friend and he knows it was her sin to have. Back off. If you really want me to move out and move in with fiancée, I am happy to do so. And we will get married in a court, alone, just the two of us, and dad will loose the opportunity to give away his little girl. And my heart will break in a million pieces and we will all regret it for our entire life and it will just be the beginning of the death of our relationship (yours and mine). At this moment, I choose to stay at our house. But I am sleeping there only. And I honestly will probably not even be home before you are asleep. And I will not be happy there. And odds are that one day, I will snap. And it will probably be before April 8th, because every time I think the storm is over, you wave your hands and create another one. But for the moment, I am going to attempt to gain my composure. For the moment, I am going to be selfish (FINALLY!). I WANT TO BE A PRINCESS. AND I WANT MY PRINCESS DAY. And I am going to be selfish to get what I want. But DO NOT pretend like nothing happened. DO NOT talk to me about passports and headaches and small talk like everything is okay, because everything is NOT okay. I do not need your help. It has always and will always continue to be appreciated. But you cannot practically kick me out and a few hours later ask me if I have a headache, and the next day tell me about cruising with the family. I am an adult and I can run my own life. I am paying rent to you and a tenant I truly am. I will come and go as I please. I will obey the rule that you have put on me to sleep there every night, as long as I can stand to do so. And when I cannot stand it anymore, I will get married without you. I know that you are sitting there thinking that I am dramatic. But this is what you have driven me to. This is how badly you have hurt me. And I don’t know what’s going to happen on Saturday nights. Maybe occasionally fiancée will sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the couch. Or maybe we will find another church that we can attend together without complications of a two hour bus ride. I am not going to drive up there, pick him up to drive back down here for church to drive back up there to take him home, to drive back down here to sleep at your house. I know he will do it, but I’d rather find another church up there so I can drive to him and we can go to church and then I can return later in the evening. That is my decision to make with my future husband. I love you. There is nowhere in this letter I am saying I don’t. But you have hurt me in ways I hope I NEVER hurt my kids. You have taken away all the joys and significance of my wedding, and now I get to decide what I want to do that I will be able to live with for the rest of my life.  And this is about fiancée and I ONLY. I am ready to change my life. And I only have room for those who are willing to give me the space to grow. YOU have finally disappointed ME and I have no desire to be a part of the disappointments any longer.

That is def NOT the way to approach your parents if you ever want to have a good relationship with them.  I understand that you're pissed, but nobody deserves to recieve that letter.  You're dragging in other issues when the problem at hand is the rent.  And by what you wrote, it sounds like you don't want to live there anyway.  If you're able to pay rent right now maybe you should consider renting your own place until the wedding.

Like the others have said, your letter is too long and brings in too many other issues except the one that should be talked about (like, for example, when you talk about your sister [at least, i believe that it's your sister]). Your letter is a direct attack and I received that in my email I would feel like I just got punched in the gut. 

I think that you need to be direct with your parents about how you feel about their "rules" and what the issue is. 

It is difficult for me to respond to you all individually so let me add a bit more to this:

1. The letter IS a 4th copy. So this is already a nicer approach. It was a LOT nastier at the beginning. I have been a writer my whole life and so I have learned you cannot truly send a letter until it's at least at the 5th copy for time to cool off.

2. Yes, there are many issues at hand and all are trying to be addressed at the same time which is a mistake but at the same time, it has to be so or it will all never come out.

3. Writing is the only way to go in my home. There are underlying issues that are hard to explain. My father and I wrote back and forth for almost six months without ever talking to each other and we got along the est at that time.

4. My parents are religious and I do share their values and morals with a little bit of "today's society's mentality" So it makes for a bit of a difficult bind for me.

5. I pay rent to my parents to live in their home - it is not a separate home or property. I am only paying them $300 a month though - so I do not want to move out to a place of my own at the moment, because it will be at least double that a month and I am also trying to save for a wedding here. 

6. I know this comes off immature, etc however, it is hard for all of you to see the bigger picture, of course, because you don't know my parents, myself, or the entire situation. All I can say is that you have to trust me. If ANYTHING will work, this will. I don't have an expectation but it is also a last hope/last resort!

@Tanya123 - I'd love to hear more if you have time later! :)

You sounds like you're under a lot of stress. That was a pretty dramatic email, and usually dramatically written emails = regret.

I'd say if your financial situation is as grown up as you suggest, then, bluntly, act like a grown up. Leave home, take a rental somewhere else, pay for it, and live your own life. Don't move home and punish your parents for taking you in at the same time. 

Your parents don't beat you, molest you, or abandon you, be grateful for their (possibly sometimes misguided) love, it's a lot better than what a lot of the world gets. 

To all,

Your comments have been harsh. I am sorry for coming off immature and like a spoiled brat. That really isn't me and I don't want to be seen that way.

What are your thoughts/ideas of possibly moving the wedding date? We've already sent save the dates... is that tacky? Will it draw more attention to the situation?

First, I think @greenleafmountain made some excellent points.  Personally, I think you're tackling too many issues at one time here, and I don't think anything constructive is going to come from it.  The most pressing issue is where to live: if you really feel all of the things you say in your letter, then this is not a healthy place for you to be living.  Move out.  Yes, you will likely have to pay more rent, but you can find roomates and sacrifice luxuries to make it work.  You truly can't put a price on your emotional health, so think of it as an investment in yourself.  Second, there's your wedding.  Would you need to push it back in order to afford the wedding you want, given the new expenses of rent?  Or could you move it forward and trim it down a bit in order to spend less time paying rent on places for both of you?  Do you really have a dream wedding locked in your mind, or are there other more affordable options you're overlooking (brunch reception, more intimate guest list, etc)?  Right now you're only seeing dream wedding (if only your parents were different, which you can't control) or a courthouse wedding that would make you miserable.  There has to be some middle ground there.

For the sake of your long term relationship with your parents, you cannot bring up all of these issues in a letter.  They will feel overwhelmed at hearing all of this in one blast, and your points likely won't sink in (regardless of how many times you re-write this letter) because they'll just feel attacked, turn deffensive, and shut down.  I don't mean this to be snarky, but they're going to pick up on the same things people on this board have.  I'm sure you're hurt and upset but you sentences like "I want to be a princess. And I want my princess day" sound very immature aren't going to help them see you as an adult with legitimate issues to discuss.  I'm not saying those aren't legitimate feelings to have, but the fact of the matter is if you bring them up in the middle of a serious discussion, it's not going to help your case.   It sounds like you have a lot of deep rooted problems you want to bring up, and you should - in person and preferably with the help of some sort of third party mediating, such as a family counselor.  Best of luck!