Post # 1
I’m having an issue with my parents’ etiquette. My sister talked to me about this yesterday (she is getting married in a month). They are paying for a good chunk of both of our weddings.
1. My sister cannot afford to have an open bar. My parents want to do drink tickets to pay for a portion of the drinks. Sounds OK right? Well they only want to hand out the drink tickets to THEIR friends and people of their choosing. My sister’s future in-laws don’t get any. We’re really worried that if word gets out about the tickets, people who didn’t get any will be really hurt & offended.
2. Similar issue…they are hosting a morning-after breakfast at the hotel but they are only paying for people on our side of the family (and MIL/FIL but no other guests on that side of the family).
Truly, I’m horrified. I don’t know what to tell my sister because she doesn’t want to cause drama by bringing any of this up. On one hand, I’m happy they are generous in wanting to pay for anything at all, but on the other hand, a wedding is a merging of families and these two situations are just creating a divide. I also expect that I’ll deal with these same issues for my own wedding in a year so I’m not really sure how to act. WWYD?
Post # 3
I’d definitely bring it up — and offer a compromise. They pay for the morning after breakfast for everyone and see if your sister or her Future in laws can manage to pick up two drinks for everyone in the wedding? I think if she approaches it in a “a wedding is about uniting two families and I don’t want to divide perks”, she should be okay.
Post # 4
I don’t love the idea of drink tickets to begin with and I really think it is wrong to only give them to some people. I also agree with you on the breakfast, you can’t invite people to an event and only pay for the people you know.
Could they be talked into putting the breakfast money towards some sort of “open bar” for the wedding? Is there any way that you could make them see this from perspective of the grooms family?
Since your wedding is a year away is there any way that you could budget to pay for the open bar youselves (you and your Fi). Then you could avoid this whole issue.
Edit – When I say “open bar” I am refering to any sort of distribution of alcoholic beverages to your guests; beer, wine, signature drink, mixed drink or any combination of those. I don’t want to start the “open bar” debate again
Post # 5
This definitely seems rude to me. As DaisyBride suggested, maybe they could just put the money towards some sort of open bar (or just to be able to offer cheaper drinks in a cash bar) and as for the breakfast, just put the money towards it…and maybe your sister or her fiance’s family could cover the rest…? Your parents are definitely putting your sister and her fiance in a tough spot.
Post # 6
I would agree with pp’s. This is not an okay thing to do. People will absolutely take offense. Has the issue been discussed with your parents yet? I think if you sit them down and tell them that this will absolutely insult people that maybe like pps’ said, they can put their contribution towards one thing so it covers everyone and then you or the inlaws can pick up the other part (say they take the drink tix for everyone and you/inlaws do the brunch).
Post # 7
WHOA! Awkward! Instead of paying “just” for their families, maybe they can reach a split. Then, your parents are paying a lump sum and everyone else can contribute? Who is supposed to pay for her soon-to-be-husband’s side of the family? That’s not very “family” and maybe they don’t realize this? My parents are like this too and very “we don’t care what other people think, we take care of OUR own, it’s OUR money” and really, they just are apathetic about how bad they make us look and how embarassed it makes me (this is why i didn’t let them pay for my wedding btw. it’s THAT extreme)
They need to know this is causing a divide and will cause tension. Not to mention it makes them look really not welcoming or open towards her FI’s family. Good intentions in offsetting cost, bad way to go about it. It’s just going to look negative overall.
At the wedding, instead of drink tickets for the “lucky ones”, can they buy a bottle or two of wine per table and that’s it? A friend of mine is doing tickets, too, but they’re only for the bridal party as gifts. And so we don’t have to carry purses around.
For the brunch, what if they offer to buy appetizers or just pay for half right down the middle, then your sister her FI cover the rest? Unless she’s RIGHT out of school and not careful with her money, there’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to come up with a some diner for that. Unless you’re having 200 people, you should all be able to find a happy medium.
Instead of the brunch at a restaurant, what about hosting it at someone’s house? Have mom make some quiches and serve some mimosas and put out some tables?
I feel your pain! My parents are the same way =(
Post # 8
Um, IDK how proper this is, but if your family doesn’t want to pay for the breakfast of people they don’t know, why don’t they only host it for their family and friends? Were I part of the ‘other’ side of the family, I wouldn’t be offended by this; I would only be offended if I were invited and then expected to pay for my own meal.
As far as the drink tickets go….I think those are never a good idea. I went to a wedding where only the bridal party was supposed to have the drink tickets, but my future FIL found out about them and threw a fit until he and his brother got a few, and then everyone found out because of the hulabalu…..it might be better if your family offered maybe a signature drink that they’ll cover all expenses for, and then expect the guests to cover their own drinks for anything else? We’re doing beer and wine, but I expect that most guests will tire of a ‘signature coctail’ faster than beer and wine and thus the bill will end up a little lower.
Post # 9
FI and I are planning to pay for a beer & wine Open Bar to avoid the entire issue. However, my sister and her FI are very cash-strapped already and they won’t be able to pay for any breakfast or open bar. I feel bad for her because she can’t “buy her way out of this awkward situation” like I can.
I think it would be ideal if my parents just hosted the breakfast at their house, but there is a little restaurant inside the hotel and they are having it there. I don’t even know if my sister’s FI’s family is staying at the hotel but if they are, they will definitely find out about it if they go down for breakfast the next day.
If any of this comes up for my own wedding, I will definitely speak to them about it. My FI and I are prepared to pay for the whole wedding ourselves so we can refuse all their donations if necessary (hope it doesn’t come down to that). However, since it’s my sister’s wedding we’re talking about, I can’t really force her to say anythign, and it isn’t my place to say something on her behalf. I will talk to her about some of your points and see if she’s willing to bring it up herself.
Thank you and if anyone has more advice, keep it coming!
Post # 10
Encourage your sister to ask them what they are budgeting for the tickets for thier friends. Perhaps you can go to the venue and get just beer/wine for an hour or two for everyone instead. I think this is one of those ‘grown up’ discussions that a young woman getting married needs to have with her parents. Is it a money issue? Can they not afford more? Perhpas they are concerned about saving for your wedding. Talk to them. Perhaps you and your sister can talk to them together.
Post # 11
The drink tickets should definitely be going out to EVERYONE (like, a one per person sort of thing, with additional tickets available for purchase). To have them only go out to friends of the MOB is NOT OKAY.
The morning-after brunch thing is sort of…meh. I can kind of understand that MOB only wanting to pay for the bride’s side, so maybe you could have her talk to the MOG and try to arrange it so that they both pay, OR if the MOG is paying for the rehearsal dinner, let your mom know that since she’s not paying for the rehearsal, she should do brunch.