Post # 1
I attended a wedding last night for which the bride and groom did not provide a gift registry. They explicitly said on their wedding website that they don’t have gift registries and do not want gifts. The last time we spoke when we were out at dinner together, they again said no gifts. Given what they’ve said, my fiance and I did not buy them a gift. We get to the wedding, however, and notice that there is a gift table that have some gifts on it but also a lot of envelopes. It looks like a number of people just wrote them a check or gave them cash.
So now I feel really bad, particularly since I’m planning on inviting this couple to my wedding. Since I do plan to have gift registries, I’m going to feel particularly bad if they buy me a gift for my wedding!
Now I think what my fiance and I should have done is write a check or put some cash into an envelope or card before going to their wedding, just in case we show up and people are giving them gifts/money. We had thought about it briefly while we were getting ready but didn’t do anything because I pointed out that they explicitly said no gifts on their website.
We are now trying to come up with ideas to make up for not getting them something. Maybe the next time we go out for dinner with them we’ll get their dinner? Any suggestions?
Post # 3
I believe ettiquette states that you have up to a year from the date to send a gift, you still have time!!!
Post # 4
Just mail them a card with a check or a gift card in it.
Post # 5
They likely were trying to hint to people they wanted cash by not having a registry which is why you saw lots of cards.
I would go ahead and send a card today.
Post # 6
It is possible, that they really did not want gifts. Again, it is possible that they were saying “no physical gifts… aka… money requested”.
Is it possible to ask someone in the bridal party or the B or G’s parents if they would rather have a monetary gift or if they really wanted no gifts. (It is not rude to ask if the couple prefers money, it is rude for the couple to request money.. just to clarify).
You do have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift.
So you can
a) Just choose to send a card and a cheque in the mail.
b) ask the bridal party or parents what the couple would prefer (then do whatever they say)
c) just mail a card (either just a card with a heartfelt note, or you could donate to a charity in their names.. etc)
d) do nothing
Its up to you.
Personally, I would try and find out if they really did not want gifts, or if it was their way of requesting money.. then go from there….
But you probably shouldn’t just give them a gift so that you get one in return at your upcoming wedding… (But that may not be the case, and I just misread the post).
Post # 7
I find situations like this really frustrating. If someone insists repeatedly that they don’t want a gift, I don’t give them one. If you want cash, don’t do a registry, and then just tell people that you have all the household goods you need so you’re not doing a registry. But no gift means no gift.
If you want to send them cash or a check, I think that’s really nice of you. But you should not feel bad about not having had one ready at the wedding, because they told you explicitly No Gift.
Post # 8
If they explicitly said “no gifts” then I don’t think you need to feel bad for not giving them anything.
Post # 9
Sigh…this is my fear. We really REALLY don’t want gifts. Most guests will have to travel to my wedding and I already feel guilty about the money they’re going to have to spend for that. I have a note on the website about this, but I know that guests always try to read between the lines when a couple requests no gifts (“do they really want cash…?”). I thought about explicitly saying “we prefer not to receive gifts or money” in the note on the website but felt that it was kind of crass to mention money in my otherwise politely worded (as much as possible) note. I’ve deputized my mom to assure anyone from my family who asks that all we want is for people to come if they’re able to and it’s not a secret plea for cash. I don’t know what else to do. I know some people will want to give a gift no matter what, but I don’t want people to assume that we just want them to write checks. I’m afraid we’re going to be this couple and guests will be all confused about whether they were supposed to give a gift.
If it helps, Ms. Salamader, the fact that I gave some of my guests wedding gifts in the past does not change my feelings about wanting gifts from them. And I will still happily buy gifts for any of these guests in the future if they get married. I know it seems awkward for you. But really, they can hardly be miffed that you honored their explicit request.
Post # 11
@Eglantine: I think you’re going about it really well. From what the OP said, I did assume “no gifts meant no gifts”… so I think you’re wedding guest will get it. I think having your mom tell people explicitly (no gifts, monetary or otherwise) is a good idea. You mentioning money does seem a little.. not crass, but .. you know.. but b/c you’re saying “no money” lol, I think you’re okay doing it. Also try and have your MOH and BM’s spread the word if you wish.
You can even write on your website “The bride and groom would prefer no gifts, as your presence is present enough (lol an oldie but a goodie).
I just suggested she ask someone to ease her nerves b/c it sounds like she is feeling bad/ stressing.
Just thought I’d let you know that, from what the OP said (and if you had said that, and I was attending you wedding, I would assume you REALLY did not want gifts… of any kind…. that being said, if ppl want to give gifts they will, and you can’t stop them… but from your post you obviously know that).
Post # 12
@ThreeMeers: I disagree that they were “hinting at cash” only b/c they repeatedly said “no gifts”… if you want cash, you do not have a registry, but then you don’t say “no gifts”.
Although it is a possibility that they were doing this, just a note to other people wanting to get cash and not having a registry… you shouldnt say “no gifts” then… No gifts = no gifts… money or otherwise.
Just my opinion.
Post # 13
Thanks for all the advice everyone! I totally should have thought about whether or not the statement of no gifts on their website was a hint at asking for cash, but I have to admit it didn’t even cross my mind since all the other weddings I’ve attended had gift registries.
I’ve decided to send them a card with a check enclosed. Regardless of whether they meant no gifts (really) or please give money, I figure it’s the best thing to do for a friend and will put my mind at ease.