Need advice re: jealousy

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LovelyCoCoBee:  This is his problem in his own head, not yours. You have modfied to actions to suit him better and it is still not enough. In my experience jealousy springs from low self esteem. If he had good self esteem he would never wonder if you would prefer to be talking to someone else because he would have confidence in himself and in your relationship. It sounds to me like he could benefit from some CBT to improve his self esteem.

Post # 4
Member
8419 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@LovelyCoCoBee:  My husband used to be like this (his first girlfriend cheated on him with one of his friends) and it just took years of being open and honest.  If he’s feeling insecure, we talk about it.  I would think even a couples counselor may be able to help you two communicate better with one another.

Post # 5
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@LovelyCoCoBee:  Sorry you are experiencing this.

He seems to have some deep rooted issues behind his jealousy (experiences from his past and his childhood etc.).

My suggestion is that he needs to go to counselling to help him cope and find healthier ways to deal so that he can put those jealousy issues of his to rest and just move forward.

Maybe at some point you should join him in counselling too, to see what you can to do help support him during this process.

This is fixable! I hope you guys get this worked out.

Post # 8
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LovelyCoCoBee:  CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically they teach you to think about what you’re thinking, why you’re thinking it, and ways to train yourself to think and react differently.

My Fi has struggled with his self-esteem for our whole relationship and has had a few episodes of jealousy stemming from it. Since the way he felt was impacting both of us we worked on his self esteem together (we were poor college students when we started doing this, so I tried to play the role of therapist because we couldn’t afford one). I would call him out when he voiced negative self talk and I would make him give himself a compliment everyday. It helped and we’ve really cut down on the self-talk, but the biggest boost for him was getting a huge promotion at work. I think he finally felt like he had something he could point to and say ‘look I’m sucessful’.

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LovelyCoCoBee:  I think you’re on the right track with being open and honest with him and letting him share his feelings with you.  He is allowed to feel how he feels but he isn’t allowed to try to make you feel bad for things out of your control.  Jealousy is a tricky thing and almost every human being is prone to it in some form or fashion.  As long as the communications stay respectful it can really work out. 

Keep reassuring him but also let him know you expect progress and improvement about this issue, as time goes on.  Some jealousy is fairly normal and healthy but don’t let it get out of hand.  Have compassion for how he feels (since I’m sure we can all relate to jealousy to a certain extent) but also let him know how much it hurts when you feel he is questioning your trustworthiness.  You can get past this, good luck!

Post # 10
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This would be a deal breaker for me, because I feel like it can only get worse.  He won’t want you talking to anyone because of how it affects him.  He absolutely needs therapy if you want to have a healthy relationship. 

By stopping talking to members of the opposite sex, you are NOT helping him, but only feeding into his irrational behavior.  He needs to learn to deal with your social life, not have you remove everyone.

Sometimes people have such crazy reactions to things like this because they are projecting.  Does he enjoy talking to other women more than you?  If he talks to another woman does that mean he would rather be with her? 

His jealousy may make you feel good in some twisted way, but jealousy does not equal love, and you should not indulge his behavior. 

Post # 11
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a guy who didn’t trust me (through no fault of my own) to speak with a member of the opposite sex. That’s ridiculous and wouldn’t fly with me.

How in the world does he handle you going to work and talking to men there?

I think your guy needs therapy, immediatley. CBT is a great suggestion, and even better if he knows that he’s doing this but can’t figure out how to stop himself.

I also think you need to realize that if he doesn’t change, this is dominating and unhealthy behaviour. You are supposed to be a person he loves and he is putting you down for his own insecurities.
It’s not a good sign.

Post # 12
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CakeyP:  +1 

What bothers me is that when OP reversed the situation, she “saw the light,” which makes me feel like this guy is starting to change the way she thinks about her independance and worth as a person. 

Post # 14
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

ooh…red flag! I could understand (to a small extent) if he had a moment of FLEETING jealousy if an ex texted you or something. Even then, I would hope he’d come to his senses in 2.5 seconds and be like, “Wait, self. I know better.” and move on. However, because he has such issues with ANY guy, even coworkers, and you aren’t flirting but just making small talk…that doesn’t sit well with me. At all!

 

In my experience, people who are this jealous will only get worse. They might not even mean to, but just think towards the future. Yes, right now it only ruins 1-2 nights a month. But what about down the road if/when you have kids? Will he freak out if you talk to your child’s friend’s parent who is a male? Will he wonder what you’re doing at that parent teacher conference with Mr. Jones the science teacher? Plus, how will you handle it if he freaks out like this in front of your kid(s)? 

 

I agree with PPs…don’t stop acting the way you’ve always acted just to keep him from pouting. I know it sucks and it’s hard not to just avoid your male friends/coworkers to save yourself from a fight. But seriously, BE YOURSELF. It might be hard at first to either fight with him or have him be mad at you or eventually come to a break in the relationship, but your relationship with anyone in your life should be one that allows you to be completely yourself and loved for it. I sincerely hope that happens for you with this relationship 🙂

ETA: I just saw your most recent reply so I apologize bc my response probably looks like I didn’t read it. 

Post # 15
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@LovelyCoCoBee:  I think that’s a great idea! Make sure you do that, I think it will be a huge help.

Post # 16
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@LovelyCoCoBee:  I can kind of relate to this from his perspective, so maybe I can give some helpful advice!

My FI used to be a bit of a ladies man. He had a few girls wrapped around his finger for a long time before me and when we started dating I was scared shitless and jealous like no other. I was so afraid that he would want to go back to that lifestyle and that seeing them would bring it up. Then when we’d see girls out and about, I woul start to wonder and like you said, you just kind of spin down from there until you’re so jealous an upset that you can’t even hide it anymore. Its ridiculous and crazy but it happens.

I expressed to him once how I was feeling. What he basically told me was this:

“Shut up woman. Don’t be dumb. I picked you. I would never have done that if I didn’t want to. You might as well put those girls out if your mind because I stopped thinking about then a whole ago”

It was a little blunt but every time my jealous voice pipes up, his voice does now too “Don’t be dumb. I picked you” and I smile and don’t care for a second that a smokin hot girl is standing in front of me talking to a man because he’s standing beside me And he picked already.

Maybe something firm like that could help him? I wouldn’t start with shut up.. Mine only gt away with t because I know he was being sort of tongue in cheek. But phrase it strong and impacting. Make him believe you. It mght help 🙂

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