Post # 1
A little backstory. My SO and I have been together for 7 years, we’ve lived together for a little over a year, got a dog, everything is great. Our relationship is awesome.
I expressed concern about living together before engagement, but financially and for him (he really didn’t feel comfortable proposing without living together first), it made sense to take that step before engagement. Well, we still aren’t engaged, but our relationship, personal, and professional lives are at a point where the logical next step is to purchase a home. I told him I wanted to wait until we were engaged to buy a home together, but he insists that we keep progressing our relationship/life even if he hasn’t proposed yet, meaning buying a home together. That he doesn’t want to miss out on the perfect house because we aren’t engaged.
We got into a discussion about it last night and he said that he wants to marry me, he will propose, and me saying we should wait to get the house is like an ultimatum or a punishment for him not proposing yet. He added in “do you really want to get off work, go by the grocery store, and then get down on a knee and pop the question? we haven’t gone anywhere special or done anything recently- Of course I want to marry you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’m looking at houses big enough to have a family in”. I felt guilty, but don’t think I really should about how I feel about legally becomming a family before we keep progressing as a family unit (I’m in his family portraits for peets sake, just propose).
We are going to Europe in September, should I just try to stay calm until then and see if he proposes and keep an open mind about getting a house? Should I stick to my guns about not getting the house until he proposes? Am I totally crazy for feeling that things are all jumbled up and wanting to get married is me just being crazy? Do I have faith in him after all this time, that he will actually propose, or am I just being strung along?
Post # 3
For me, I personally would not buy a house unless we were engaged. I just don’t want to start combining everything until then. It’s a personal comfort level thing, I think. I think you should do what’s right for you, do you feel comfortable making that purchase? Do you trust that he will eventually propose? What if he doesn’t propose, or what if he breaks up with you, what happens to the house then?
I might even discuss with him that the proposal doesn’t have to be when you are away somewhere. I really don’t care about the specifics of the proposal. I mean yea it makes for a nice story, but all that matters is that he proposes right? It could be at home or just a local restaurant and you are just as engaged as you would be if he proposed in Europe. Maybe that discussion would speed things along.
Post # 4
I am sort of in the same position – we are living together, but I will not share a down payment until we are engaged. I think the bottom line is it IS okay for you to put your foot down about that (it’s not an ultimatum, it’s a financially-responsible place to draw the line). An ultimatum is “propose by the end of the month or we’re breaking up”. You’re saying “let’s not combine finances until we’re committed” – totally different and 100% okay. The only thing that I can suggest is if one of you can afford a down payment themselves, they can still buy it and have sole ownership over the title; that doesn’t add any risk to your partnership. If you’re both committed to sharing the cost of the down payment, it’s okay to wait. Yes maybe the perfect house will come along, but so will another one after that. I wouldn’t even look yet because there’s no point torturing yourselves. Good luck!
Post # 5
I did try to buy a house alone in April, but another bidder beat me out. His rationale for getting the house together is that we can get a bigger house that we will have more equity in if we get one together. That way will be in a house big enough to grow into when we start having a family, which wouldn’t be the case if I purchased alone. We’d most likely only be able to be there for 1 kid and then we’d have to upsize.
Post # 6
Oh no trust me I understand that more money = better (bigger house, more equity, etc.). I just mean that for the sake of having options – in the hopes that he feels less like it’s an ultimatum – you can always offer that as an alternative.. ie. you’re happy if one of you purchases a house before you’re engaged, but combining finances will have to wait.
Post # 7
It sounds like he’s waiting for a more romantic and special moment to propose. I would’ve assumed the second a Europe trip was planned that it would happen there, but of course assuming things in these waiting situations can lead to false hope.
Has he told you his timeline at all? If you think it will be in the next few months I wouldn’t hesitate to look at a couple places maybe go to some open houses but tell him you won’t sign a mortgage unless you’re engaged. If you’re getting engaged soon that won’t matter because by the time you find the right house you might be engaged anyways and if your not maybe that will give him an incentive to pop the question!
Hope you get your ring in Europe!
Post # 8
I bought a house by myself while I was single, but dating my current boyfriend. It was somewhat bittersweet that I did it by myself and that we didn’t get to be a married couple buying our first home together. I also had to go to the closing and paperwork by myself. (bf was in a different city at the time).
Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t do it. It was the best choice for me, as homes were cheaper two years ago (foreclosed). But if you’re buying the home together and both putting down a downpayment, I’d be hesitant if I wasn’t married/engaged.
Post # 9
I’m usually super anti-ultimatum and pro-living together before engagement.
BUT I think that buying a house together is different. It is TOTALLY acceptable to be wary of making that sort of financial commitment with someone when legally either of you can just walk away from the partnership. I think you need to tell him that – it’s not an emotional issue, it’s a financial one and that you don’t feel comfortable combining your finances until you’re married (or almost married).
Do you want a fancy proposal? Or any proposal at all? Maybe the next time it comes up, make it clear what your expectations are. But as far as timing/house/finances/etc keep it to a practical discussion about risk and finance rather than an emotional one. I know he might feel like he’s being held hostage and made to rush, but that’s not what you’re doing – you’re making a responsible financial choice to be more patient.
Post # 10
He feels like the fact that I’m not willing to get a house together with him shows a lack of faith in him. He said that.
We haven’t discussed timelines because in the past when I’ve brought it up, he gets defensive about not wanting to feel pressured. So, I haven’t been bringing it up because the last thing I want is someone to propose who feels pressured to.
His grandfather proposed to his grandmother in Interlaken, Switzerland and that’s the first stop on our European trip.. I should also add, that he gave me the money to plan the trip as my Christmas gift this year because he knew I wanted to go go Europe with him before he goes with his younger brother post graduation (his younger brother’s graduation). The more I think about it the more I feel like I’m getting my hope up that it will happen there… I had given up all hope of it happening, telling my friends and family to lay off me about it, until last night when he said all those things about the proposal needing to be somwhere special. Now, I’m gonna go crazy again and set myself up for disappointment. I feel like a crazy person.
Post # 11
If it were me I wouldn’t buy a house with him. But it might just be my nature, because I am also more open with my boyfriend about the proposal (I’m just very nosy/curious). I would let him know that you do trust him and you’re excited to spend your lives together, but you’ve already compromised on living together, and this is something you believe in (if you do).
Don’t get your hopes up too much for the trip, or else you won’t enjoy it. And if he is planning on proposing, September isn’t that far away. Just don’t look at the housing market, and you won’t even know what you could be missing.
Post # 12
Obviously, you need to make the decision that is best for you. But I just wanted to put in my two cents: my FI and I bought a house together before we were engaged. It was with the strict understanding that a ring was to follow. We got engaged about nine months after buying the house.
So I wouldn’t rule it out completely! It sounds to me like your SO is being very practical, I don’t think he is stringing you along.
Post # 13
A few things:
It definitely doesn’t sound like he is stringing you along at all. I think a lot of men are quite practical about these things.
Strictly speaking, signing a mortgage together IS a bigger commitment than buying a ring and being engaged. In one case, you can just walk away. In the other, you can’t. Just saying.
I totally identify with feeling like a crazy person. My FI and I were together 8 years when he proposed. It can be hard not to let other people’s questions about your relationship seep into your own brain.
Have a great time in Europe and try to enjoy every single minute! Good luck!
Post # 14
That is tough because he doesn’t seem to really be listening to you or trying to understand where you are coming from. It isn’t a lack of faith in him, you are being quite level headed and reasonable about this. The dream house won’t disapear in a few months – and well, if it is going to take him a lot longer to propose than that, that is really his decision.
I would stand firm if that is how you feel and tell him that you want the two of you to make a commitment to each other that is more concrete before you make a house purchase. You don’t have to say “I want you to propose first” which might make him defensive. But you can say that you want the two of you to be officially engaged and planning to marry…..if you guys are going to be partners in life one day, then he needs to understand and compromise his position with yours (you already agreed ot move in together before you were engaged based on his wishes, now it is his turn to respect your wishes).
OR you could say that just like he doesn’t want to be pressured into proposing before HE is ready, you don’t want to be pressured into jointly purchasing a house before YOU are ready.
Post # 15
Why does everything have to happen on his terms? You didn’t feel comfortable moving in together prior to engagement, but you did because he wanted to. You don’t feel comfortable (justifiably so) buying a house together before engagement but he’s pushing you because he wants to. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking your feelings into account much here, he seems to want everything on his terms and his terms only. He’s anxious to get a house so the “perfect one” doesn’t pass you by? Better get your ass to the jewelry store then, sweetheart!
Honestly, if you don’t feel comfortable buying a house prior to engagement, then don’t. That is a very fiscally responsible decision. I told my BF point blank that I would not purchase real property with him without being married. Not simply engaged, but actually married. Fortunately, he agreed wholeheartedly. Don’t let your BF push you into doing something you don’t feel comfortable doing. He doesn’t want to be “pushed” into proposing, right? It’s really the same thing.
Stand by your guns, you are completely 100% justified.
Post # 16
I agree with lezlers. How is not buying a house with him show a lack of faith?! And more money to buy a bigger house is not a good enough excuse. What is it with men nowadays?! You have already done enough by living with him. Tell him that is sweet you want to buy a house with me but marriage is important and I need to do that before I sign any contracts with you.