Need Advice- Strange situation between bridesmaid and FI

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would give her the opportunity to back out of being a BM. She doesn’t support your marriage so she should just come as a guest, because she still loves you. Don’t make her feel bad about it or awkward. As for your fiance, all you can really do to put your mind at ease is straight out ask him what’s up. It’s very possible that he has no idea that she has a problem with him so you should be careful not to create a problem.

Post # 3
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lavendercolored49:  If it happened to me, I would ask her to step down. She really shouldn’t be in the bridal party if she doesn’t support the relationship. I would ask her to attend as a guest.

I would see no need to discuss it with my FI. Nobody really needs to know when someone doesn’t like them.

Post # 4
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

lavendercolored49:  Yikes that’s a tough one. I have to say that it sounds like you both handled the situation very well and you both really care for one another. I think you should still include her in your bridal party. You graciously gave her an out and she said she wants to be there for you. Take her up on that and see how it goes from here. To be honest I don’t know if I would tell my FI that she doesn’t like him and doesn’t support the marriage. It’s going to make him hate her and could end up getting very messy. I think the best you can do here is move forward with planning and try to ease this friend into it. If she ends up being totally disengaged and acting like she doesn’t want to be a part of it, it might be time for another conversation.

Post # 5
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Weird situation.  I guess you don’t have many options if you don’t know what the issue is.

I guess I’d say though, to not necessarily assume she’s incorrect or making things up.  I have a very real reason for not supporting my sister’s relationship with her long-time on again/off again boyfriend (most likely future fiance and husband).  She knows the reason and somehow chooses to ignore it or take his side.  My family doesn’t know the situation because it would open up too big of a can of worms.  So if/when the time comes when she asks me to be in the wedding, it will be difficult.  She’s my sister and I want to be there for her, but I certainly don’t support the relationship.  It’s not an easy place to be in.

Post # 6
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you’re worried that something happened between the two of them that you don’t know about. I would question that too. Personally, if things sound odd I check them out, especially in a case where you are signing up for a lifetime of commitment! I would bring it up with FI and see what he says. If anything, even if nothing happened and BM is in a bad emotional state, you and your SO are supposed to be partners in life. To me it means I share whatever is going on, and vice versa. He may have some good advice of his own 🙂

Post # 7
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

This is just a guess but it sounds to me like she’s in a tough place personally after her break up and is having a little trouble being happy for you and your situation. Not to excuse her behaviour but I suspect that’s what is behind it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that she suddenly has a problem with you relationship when it’s progressing to a stage she may have dreamed of with her now ex.  Id give her a wide berth for a while and let her realise she needs to set her own stuff aside to be a good friend to you at this time. 

Post # 8
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wouldn’t have anyone stand by me on my wedding day who did had communicated that they do not support the marriage 100%.  My BM’s and Fi’s GM are not just the people who are closest to us-but the people who are closest to our relationship and who support it.  His BM is the person he spoke to about proposing to me, my MOH is also close friends with my FI and has said before if I don’t marry him then she will (jokingly of course)

No matter how much you love each other, at some point I’m sure you are going to feel anxiety about the committement you are about to make.  At that point you do NOT need someone around who when you ask for confirmation that you’re doing the right thing goes “ummm…. yeah, sure well it’s too late to back out now yeah?”  You need someone who says “absolutely! You are both perfect for each other and love each other so much.  You rock it gurl”

Post # 9
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lavendercolored49: If you both actually want different things and have different lifestyles, I can understand why she’s hesitant to support the relationship even though she seems like she completely supports you. You can love someone, but it doesn’t mean that being in a relationship with him / her is a good idea. 

That said, if you guys actually want the same thing and have the same lifestyle, she’s probably projecting. I think it’s worth unpacking in person if possible. Good luck!

 

Post # 10
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper

TBH, I would absolutely press her further on what this “bad feeling” is all about.  Did something happen?  Did she she or her ex know something that you don’t know?  I’d try to convince her to tell you if there is anything more to this.  If she won’t, I would not feel comfortable with her standing up for me at my wedding. You don’t just say something like this to someone about to be married for no good reason. 

ETA:  Does the “different lifestyles” thing ring true or does it sound like something she made up out of thin air? 

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

This is a tricky situation, and is certainly not black and white. What is your gut telling you? I always like to ask myself this when I’m facing something that seems uncertain and is giving me anxiety. Do you feel the need to talk to your fiance, is that what’s causing you grief? Or is it simply her telling you this, and you feeling caught off guard and unsure of what to do with her standing in the wedding that is making you uneasy? I think finding the root of where the stress is coming from and going from there. I think there are benefits/drawbacks to talking to your fiance, but if you feel inclined and think you two should discuss it, then I encourage you to do so. But I don’t think you should feel it’s what you have to do, just because your BM told you about her feelings.

I think the fact that she is going through something troubling may contribute to her telling you this. It might not even be personally directed at your husband, but marriage/relationships in general. Have you tried asking her about how she’s doing, and feeling with her break up? Maybe she’s just feeling a bit lost, because you’re starting a new chapter that she just ended. There are many possibilities of how this could play out. If you really still want her to be in your wedding party and feel it can be done in a way that makes you feel happy on your special day, by all means. But if you think having her there in your party will deter from the day, I think you’d be justified in asking her to step down. 

Post # 13
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

lavendercolored49:  you have the feeling that something may have happened (intimate/romantic or a fight) between your FI and this bridesmaid? I’d follow that type of feeling up and figure it out. And I’d try to figure out more why she isn’t a fan anymore (if that’s what the issue is). What is your gut feeling about why this is happening or what are you worried about 

Post # 14
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

lavendercolored49:  I think maybe her recent breakup is rolling off into your relationship! Its somewhat normal of her to be pushing off wrongdoings in her life onto others close to her. She prob does have a bad feeling, but only because she got hurt. And she also prob really wants to be there for you so let her. I think Unless she is actually doing things to sabatoge your wedding or break you up, then everything is ok! Just be there for her and remember this is hard on her. Maybe she thought she would be marrying the man she just lost so this is killing her? I wouldnt really read to much into it other then shes hurt and is dealing with it in many ways!

Post # 15
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I completely disagree with those saying you shouldn’t tell your FI. What a way to start a marriage, with secrets! Won’t he think it odd when this friend isn’t a bridesmaid? Then what, you have to lie about the reason why? No way! 

I would be furious if my SO kept something like this from me. We are a team, a united front, and if one of his friends didn’t like me or vice versa, then I would expect to be told and I would expect that our time with them would become quite limited. We would be civil, but we would not be going out of our way to spend time with that person. At some point (and engagement is certainly one of those points!) your relationship becomes your biggest priority, more than your friends. When you are old and frail it’s your husband that will be helping you to the toilet, not your friends. So if someone isn’t supportive, then continuing to spend energy on that friendship undermines your relationship and shows that it’s ok to speak ill of your FI. 

If your family had also expressed concern then I would perhaps ask you to think long and hard about your relationship. As it is, I think that perhaps she just doesn’t gel well or perhaps has allowed one small thing from years ago cloud her judgement. Unless she comes around soon, I would be asking her to step down as bridesmaid. I could not have someone standing next to me as I said my vows, wishing I wasn’t saying them. 

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