- 4 years ago
Sorry if this ends up being long …
It is my S/O’s aunt’s birthday lunch with family today. I had planned to go with my daughter, but s/o wasn’t sure he could make it. I spoke with his grandmom yesterday (family matriarch kind of situation here) to get the details, and found out her daughter – S/O’s mom – is in town and will be pissed if he isn’t there. He had plans to do things today that are time sensitive, and these plan were made two weeks ago. I had told Grandmom earlier this past week he may not Mae it, but I would be there. No mention then of mom coming, so I don’t think she even knew.
Background – Grandmom lives about 45 mins away. FMIL moved 4 hours away about 15 yrs ago, never gives us a heads up when she is coming to town, then always has a tantrum that we can’t drop what we are doing to go visit her at grandmom’s. Furthermore, we cannot always go visit her because she is a hoarder, there is no room in her 4 br house for us to stay, so we have to get a rental to visit, which I did & paid for last spring for 4 days. She had surgery in town in August but didn’t bother to call us untiL AFTER the procedure, so we dropped what we were doing, and drove up to see her (45 mins each way). Anyway, s/o was pissed that – yet again – she didn’t tell us she was coming And would have to put off his plans for today.
So, mine & my daughters birthdays were in July. Grandmom had a gift for each of us, but we weren’t able to connect due to conflicting schedules, travel, work, etc. and she has a pretty busy social calendar as well. So she left our gifts at the hospital when we went to visit FMIL in August. I sent Grandmom an email thanking her that night. She has always been understanding of how busy we all are and doesn’t guilt us about. She knows I get up there as often as I can for lunch, visits, etc
Well, the next day, my daughter and I were in a 3 car accident that resulted in us both having injuries and my car was totaled. We were okay but obviously in a lot of pain, limited movement, on pain meds, etc. S/O went up a couple days later to visit with his mom before she left to go back to her home (she stayed w/Grandmom a few days post surgery to recover). He came home that night with a birthday card for me & daughter, and a chip/salsa bowl and dish as a gift from his mom. Now, I will be the first to admit, with all we had going on (pain, meds,dr appts, work, daughters school, and a host of pre existing issues my daughter had), it may have slipped my mind, but I could have sworn I sent her a thank you message via txt within a couple days. I cannot verify it because I dump my txt archive each month and that was over a month ago. I am pretty sure I did send it though.
Well, after I told Grandmom yesterday that s/o May or may not make it, I guess she told FMIL tha he might not come, so FMIL called him last night, saying that we never thanked her for bday gift, we never call her or go visit her, and she is always an afterthought when she comes to town. Of course, I was pissed when he told me, and he agrees that she never lets us know when she is coming, so that is on her. I told him I thought I did thank her for the gift but cannot be sure since I don’t have those msgs anymore. Part of me feels like she is being a catty bitch to say that though, considering the gift WAS clearly an afterthought (she wrote in the card she had forgotten our birthdays … Not that I was offended at the time, hey we all have a lot going on and I wouldn’t be upset by that) but now that she is making it “an issue”, I am having a hard time deciding if I should go today or not because I do NOT like nor tolerate drama like this from my own family, and will call my own mother out on it when she does it, and I don’t know if I cane bite my tongue today.
I want to say something to her in front of her mother like, “your son told me you were upset that you didn’t get a thank you for the gift you gave us in late August, and while I am fairly certain I did send you a thank you, if in the midst of recovering from my car accident, being medicated, in pain, and trying to shuffle myself & my daughter around to multiple dr appts and physical therapy, all while keeping my job and your son cared for, I failed to do so, I am truly sorry.” I know, it’s as backhanded and passive aggressive as it can be … But she needs it! She knew about the accident, the injuries we had, etc. so she can’t claim that as an excuse.
She has no respect for our lives, the family demands we have on us from both sides, how busy we are, etc. and is constantly whining if she is not the center of attention, but what she fails to realize, even after I explained this to her once nicely, that I have parents and stepparents I don’t get to see/talk very often since they live out of state, s/o’s bio dad who lives out of state, s/o’s adopted dad and stepmom who live nearby, and his Grandmom (that’s just the immediate family not including my sibling) – all of whom we do our best to keep up with but cannot do so every day, all while having our own day to day lives, work, activities, issues, troubles, etc, and we do our best. Hell, I have friends who are near & dear that I haven’t been able to see in almost a year because of how much we have had going on. And I am tired of her drama, tantrum throwing self acting like a spoiled brat when she doesn’t get her way. She does this over every little thing when we DO get to see her, so a couple times I told s/o to just go spend time with her so she has her son all to herself and can feel special, but then she bitches that we want nothing to do with her. I can’t win, not that I want to “win” … I just don’t want the drama.
When s/o told me about her latest rant last night over this birthday gift thank you, I lost it and told him that it might be better th. He go alone today, or risk me putting her in her place in front of the family. But I don’t want to miss out on his aunts bday … She is sweet, has always been kind, and it’s not fair to her. But there is no other time to tell her this, and I refuse to do it alone, as she has already lied to s/o about something I said to her in private, so I will not confront her without him there so he knows first hand what was really said.
Help! Should I go and let whatever happens, happen … Stay behind and get with aunt another time … which is hard because they too live 45 mins away … I feel like I need a Xanax just to be around this woman!