(Closed) Need Advice- What to give up?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You can’t really start planning a wedding if you aren’t engaged yet, does your SO understand that it takes longer than a couple months to plan a wedding and that if you intends to be married before he goes to med school he needs to propose ASAP?

If he just doesn’t understand that, you need to let him know how long it takes and that if that’s what he wants he needs to get on the ball, otherwise you’ll have to get married while he’s in school.

Post # 4
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ultimately though, you have to do what’s right for you.  If you aren’t comforable moving with him unless you two are married, then you also have to let him know that you won’t be coming with him until you two are married.  That’s a tough decision, I moved to a city to be with my SO and we live together, but we aren’t engaged/married yet and it bothers me everyday, so I understand it’s hard to figure these kinds of things out.

Post # 5
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand wanting the wedding you’ve envisioned, and not wanting to settle.  I don’t necessarily think I’d call it materialistic.  It is what it is!  🙂  If you can afford to make your dreams a reality, then why not? 

So, if I were you, I’d wait.  I’m sure you can manage to pull together a beautiful wedding in the amount of time you have until he begins school.  But if its not exactly what you’d wanted, you might always have regrets.  No one wants that if they can avoid it. 

Post # 6
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think he’s putting too many constraints on you! I understand that he’s stressed right now with applying and is worried that he won’t get in, but then why does he say you can’t get engaged yet AND say if he gets into med school he wants to be married before school starts.

I think that’s asking for too much. one or the other but not both… It sounds like you understand that medical school is very important to him (and to you as a couple) but it doesn’t seem like he understands what is important to you, ie your wedding and your condo. It sounds like you are already willing to give up your condo for him so it seems like he should be willing to get rid of one of his contraints as well.

If you really have a picture of what you want your wedding to be I think you should stick to it and he will have to chose… either get engaged now so you can start planning for next year, or he will have to know if you wait to get engaged the wedding might not be until after medical school starts rather than before it starts. You can always have a wedding the summer after his first year…

Post # 7
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You are spot on!

If you don’t feel comfortable living together until you are married than it is certainly worth the wait….vs having it bother you every day.

I would definitely talk about how long it takes to plan it and that the venues will be booked soon. Btw, there are many Bee’s on here that booked their venue before the proposal. It happens, if you really have your heard set on the venue and FI needs a few months to get the propsal together.

Post # 8
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Maybe I am missing something…are the med schools he is applying to far away? Would your relationship suddenly become long-distance if you were to stay at your place? I know you said it’s tough to imagine the what-ifs, but I’m just confused.

Applying to med school is a stressful time and perhaps that is what is delaying a proposal. He could be waiting for a time when he feels more settled and secure. I have two very close friends who are just finishing up med school. One couple opted for a longer engagment and set the date after graduation, actually. It’s been tough; they live apart because of family pressures and they travel for rotations. But their wedding & being married is an amazing light at the end of the med-school tunnel that they are so excited about.

In my opinion, a rushed/forced (by outside timing factors, not saying you personally are forcing him) proposal is not really a good thing. Is it possible he is worried about losing you and that is why he gave you a timeframe without actually proposing?

Post # 10
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@coloradogrl: Oh, ok thanks for clarifying. I guess it does seem like he should have gotten the ball rolling on being engaged since he is the one that wants be married if he has to move away for med school. Sounds like if he gets into to one of the CO schools, you’ll both be able to relax and have the engagment/planning period you want. I’d be so on edge waiting to find out!

I know it’s a scary thought, but are you guys open to long distance for a while if it comes to that? Wedding planning is stressful as hell, and I say that as a normally very low-key girl. You don’t want to feel rushed on top of the normal amount of stressed especially since you have a dream wedding in mind.

Post # 11
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

It sounds like there’s a lot going on, and you’re right he should be the one getting on the all about proposing if he has the time constraint! Does he know that you need a year to plan the wedding? We don’t need both of you stressed out 🙂

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