Post # 1
I recently posted a poll asking if BM’s should have an opinion on their dress. The majority of you chose the option saying that yes the should and many of you commented that you wanted your girls to feel confident and comfortable in their dresses. This is the approach I took with my girls for my wedding. I asked them all what they were comfortable with and I chose a style/color/fabric that met what they liked and also tied in with what I wanted. For my one BM who is bustier, we will be adding straps to help her feel more comfortable.
However, for my BM who is also getting married, she did not take that same approach and decided on a very unflattering gown without taking anyone’s opinions into consideration. The fabric, cut, length, and neckline all accentuate my most insecure places for me and the form fitting fabric is very constricting which worries me due to a chronic pain issue I have in my abdomen. I tried to go online and look at other options to show my friend some coordinating dresses and also explain to her my feelings about how uncomfortable I was with the dress, but she flat out said the decision was made.
What would be the best thing to do in this situation? Should I tell her that I would prefer to step down from my BM position and be involved in some other way or should I just buy the $150 dress and be in pain, and very self-concious all night? It’s not that I’m trying to complain to her but I really am uncomfortable with the dress that was chosen. I also have some mixed emotions now with my friend being so unwilling to compromise and not take my concerns into consideration at all. I compromised on my BM dresses because I took her feelings into consideration, but she just won’t do the same for me as a BM. I just would really like to know what you Bee’s thing would be the proper etiquette in this predicament.
Post # 2
Would you really withdraw from your friend’s wedding because of a dress that you’ll be wearing for only one night?
Just because you were magnanimous does not mean she is going to be/has to be. This is her wedding vision, and you’ve agreed to be a part of it. If there are serious concerns, maybe voice them to her, but don’t be surprised if she shuts you down.
Post # 3
That really stinks. Honestly, I think you have to just bite the bullet and wear the dress. Thankfully, no one pays any attention to BMs at weddings anyway so likely no one will notice your awkward spots except you. Maybe you can order it a size or two up and have it altered in a way to give you a little more room in the belly?
I was in a wedding that was similar, although the bride was much nicer about it. Still, I ended up in this adorable strapless number that, while it looked great, did not feel good at all, gave me a belly ache from the boning, and had to be insanely tight up top so that I didn’t flash the world when I raised an arm (boning was too short for true support from the waist). Quite annoying. However, when all is said and done, it’s the bride’s choice.
Post # 4
I have a hard time believing that any properly fitted dress can cause abdominal pain.
I can see being self -conscious if the dress is very revealing, but a simple wrap or sweater worn after the ceremony can solve that problem.
Only you can decide if you want to stand up for your friend, as she did for you, or if you want to step aside.
Post # 5
crisy003: I don’t know if this falls under “etiquette”, but common sense tells me that no one should ever be forced to wear something they’re extremely uncomfortable wearing. (For me, personally, I draw the line at anything too revealing, though fortunately I’ve never had to do this as a bridesmaid).
There is nothing wrong with saying, “I can’t do this” and standing down. No one can force anyone to be a bridesmaid, and bridesmaids are (in my opinion) allowed to step down if what they are asked to do is radically different from what they expected.
How that impacts your friendship, though, is hard to say.
Post # 6
Can you just get a larger size so it’s not as form fitting in the stomach? If there truly is the issue of pain I would step down, if it’s just about being self conscious I would suck it up.
Will your friendship be ruined if you step down? Are you okay with that?
Post # 7
crisy003: i think you should stay in your friend’s wedding, and get over that the dress isn’t what you’d pick. it’s often the curse of being a BM that sometimes, you just have to wear something that’s awful (for whatever reason). in my best friend’s wedding (in the height of summer, in lower alabama, at 12 noon) i had to wear a floor length, aqua blue satin gown. do i need to tell you how sweaty and gross i was? it wasn’t pretty. but i did it because hey, her wedding.
now, in your case since you do have a chronic abdominal pain issue, i would have your dress tailored to fit you comfortably in the midsection. let it out a bit in the middle so it’s not super tight, but make sure the top fits so it stays up.
other than that, i’d just go with the flow. she might not have been awesome with the dresses, but she’s your friend and she asked you to stand with her.
Post # 8
crisy003: I’d be really upset if I were in your shoes. And it’s not just about a dress, but a friend who cares about her wedding vision more than her friends. That being said, I do agree with the others that stepping down may lead to the end of your friendship (and if nothing else, I’d be shocked if she didn’t step down from your wedding as well). So I’d think carefully about how you feel about that happening – though I too would be questioning the entire friendship if my friend did the same.
Post # 9
I’m still confused as to why any bride thinks she is entitled to demand that the people she cares about wear something that makes them uncomfortable. Yes, you said you will be a bridemaid and with that comes some fun stuff and some not so enjoyable tasks. To me though there is a big difference between helping out and her refusing take your comfort into account when you will be wearing the dress all day and be in tonnes of pictures. She sounds like bridezilla and a crap friend. I’m sorry!
That being said, do what you feel most comfortable with. If you’re the type to suck it up and don’t want to make waves then that’s up to you. You also are completely within your rights to ask to step down as a bridesmaid, but be prepared for any potential repercussions.
Post # 10
I think it’s totally fine for a bride to pick the BMs dresses. Its not really a democracy- it’s nice if brides want to do it that way but I don’t think it’s rude not to. I’d wear the dress and get a larger size altered down so you’re comfortable and it’s not too tight. Wearing a BMs dress you don’t like is a classic sort if scenario, you just suck it up and do it for your friend. If it bothers you that much maybe you can change for the reception.
Post # 11
robin2015: Thanks for seeing my POV. As a friend outside of wedding related things, she’s usually pretty considerate of others, but this wedding planning has just changed her recently. When I first tried to suggest to her some other styles that might be more flattering and yet still coordinate with the first dress she ignored me for three days. She just does not want anyone’s opinions, which I guess is fine since it’s her wedding. But I do think it’s kind of a shitty situation to put me in since she was very vocal when we were doing my BM dress shopping and I let her pick something she felt comfortable in. She did not want form fitting or short dresses because of her insecurities and so we chose a long chiffon dress with a flattering neckline and forgiving waist for my girls. I just don’t get why she was able to voice her opinions to me but I can’t do the same with her without sounding like a bad friend.
Post # 12
Bridesmaid dresses are awful. They’re just all awful, no matter how much you try to make them not be that way. I suggest getting any dress that’s not labeled “bridesmaid dress” – I just let my girls wear whatever they wanted. I didn’t need color-coordinated photo props – I think it’s weird.
Post # 13
oneofthesethings: That sounds like it must have been kind of fun. I had a couple of friend from high school let their bridesmaids do that and the pictures turned out really nice, everyone coordinated yet no one matched!
Post # 14
crisy003: Yeah it turned out great! It was a summer wedding and I didn’t really have colors per se. The invitations and the flowers were colors I like – pale pink, pale green, ivory, and white. I just told the girls to wear anything not floor length (it was a morning wedding so not so formal). One wore metallic taupe, one wore turquoise, and my 2 jr. bridesmaids wore pale pink and shimmery beige. It looked really nice!
Post # 15
Does the dress really cause you pain? Can’t you just order it in a larger size, and take it in in any areas needed?
I have worn what I consider to be some god-awful dresses to be in the weddings of women I love and support. And I’ve done it happily–it’s not about how I look. I really don’t care if I think I look bad. I’m just happy to be part of the wedding party. Life is much simpler with that attitude!