(Closed) Need Advice

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Are you guys paying for the food and drinks at brunch? or is it a strain financially for whoever is? if not, I say in the interest of familial harmony, invite her to the brunch.

they may have only been together for 4 months, but who knows? it could be the relationship of a lifetime. you don’t want to look back on this time 10 years from now and potentially be embarrased about this kind of argument over a future sister-in-law.

it could at the least strain things with you and your BIL to be and between brothers.. is it really worth that? some things we just have to let go unfortunately! 

Post # 4
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

This seems to be one the those things that we brides tend to insist on because that is how we have always pictured them in our heads. But when you step back and look at the big picture if this is such a big deal for him, why not be the nice one?  You will have too many things going to mind if she is there or not.  I would say the more the merrier. 

I have always been very uncomfortable with head tables and bridal party only limos because they tend to make the significant others feel very uncomfortable and excluded. I would never want to do that my my friends because I know they will have a much better time with their significant others.

Post # 6
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

ok well her coming from "out of town" and "speeches thanking bridal party" make things different from your original post. I understand what you mean more now about wanting things to be private, and like the previous response said, I know it is really hard to see things differently once it’s in your head a certain way.

I would still just try to be super diplomatic about it though.. What if you and your FI offered to come up and see them at another time and go out to dinner?

If the brother is looking to introduce you all to his new g-friend, maybe putting some effort into seeing them together can appease the situation. 

I think him wanting to bring her isn’t about wanting to insert her into your bridal party, but maybe he is just having issues with you guys getting so much attention and him wanting to feel like his relationship is valid too.

weddings are emotional land mines! 

Post # 7
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m not sure why your FBIL wants to bring his girlfriend along.  However, I do think it is reasonable and normally done to include your bridal party’s SOs in social functions (of which brunch would be one, RD would certainly be another).  If she wants to come to brunch and then just hand out at the house with FMIL while the guys to tux fittings, what is the harm in that? 

I think that if you read through past postings, you’ll see that most people have the courtesy to let the GMs and BMs sit with their SOs at the reception as well.  However, if you’re going to insist on a head table that doesn’t include SOs, then it’s an especially good idea to get the wedding party’s SOs together a few times before the wedding, so that they are comfortable as their own little group, and not just sitting alone during dinner at the reception, not knowing many of the people in the room.

You certainly should have photos that are just the wedding party.  It’s not normal or customary to chase all other guests away for these photos – SOs usually hang out and watch – and you should have your photographer take some pictures of your individual GMs and BMs with their SOs.  It’s sort of an unspoken benefit of being in the wedding party that you end up with a few snaps of you and your SO all dressed up and looking good.

I think you have to make accomodations for your individual attendants, or you risk a lot of bad feeling all around.  After all, they are agreeing to do you the favor of going through a lot of trouble and expense to stand up for you on your wedding day.  You’re the bride, not a general – they are your friends and family – not the army.  Your wedding is certainly about you and your commitment, but that doesn’t mean that nobody else is allowed to have any other agenda.  Seriously, my best advice is to go ahead and include her, and any other SOs who would like to come to brunch.  Otherwise both your FBIL and his girlfriend (and your FMIL, as far as I can tell from your previous comments in other posts) end up feeling slighted, and quite frankly you come off like a real b*tch.  You already sound quite a bit more upset about this than is really warranted.  Maybe take a step back, take a deep breath, and recognize that you’re not going to accomplish anything here besides driving a wedge between your FI and his brother – and it’s certainly not worth that, is it?

 

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

^^ well said ^^

Post # 10
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

You seem to have posted on this site not for advice but to get affirmation of a decision that you have already made.  Now that you are not hearing what you want you are arguing with posters on a website about it.

You asked for advice. Various people have given their advice but since it is not what you wanted to hear you are getting more and more defensive and arguing some more.

If you are so sure of your decision and you have all of these people agreeing with you, why post here?  Is it because maybe deep inside you are not quite sure about the "rightness" of that decision and need more validation?

Saying thank you to the bridal party is not a secret initiation ritual?  Many events leading up to and during the wedding will involve a lot of thank you’s with other people being present to witness those thank yous.  You seem to be insisting on this simply because it’s what you want. There is no etiquette-related or even rational reason for this as it seems to be sowing discord in your family and causing unnecessary drama.  If the next statement out of your mouth will be "Because I am the Bride!" you really need to take a deep breath, smile, and say instead "Whatever will make everyone happier and more comfortable!"

Post # 12
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Personally, I would just let his gf come, but I would also make the effort to talk to her instead of letting your FI talk to his brother who then in turn talks to his gf.  Is the gf insisting on coming, or is FI’s brother insisting?  It could be the brother who’s insisting… I think as long as the girl is aware of the fact that 1) this is an event originally planned for the wedding party only, 2) the brunch part of it is very informal and short, 3) words will be said and photos for wedding party only will be taken….and she herself still insists on coming and is willing to make the drive from LA to OC…then so be it.  I would let her come as long as she has a clear understanding of what this event is about, and as long as she is willing to drive back home when people split for the fittings.  Maybe its the "brunch" word thats throwing things off…that makes me picture a nice leisurely meal, but it seems you’re saying its more like a very quick bite to eat, serve yourself, etc. 

It sounds like this has become a big deal in your family, to the point where a lot of people have gotten involved and even his mother has apologized. I would imagine if she went, it would be more uncomfortable and awkward for her than anyone else.  If she does end up going, I would still do the "couple" things as planned, with the brother and sister getting a goody bag…of course letting the brother know this is the compromise for letting his gf come and for him not to get all fussy about that too.  I understand that its not pleasant to have the plans you had your heart set on, suddenly have to change, but perhaps this is a situation where you can be the classier person and give in a little. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This may be the first time in the wedding planning process that you have had to either compromise your vision of one particular thing or go through a lot of unpleasantness, but it’s far from the last.  You really have to pick your battles.  If you pitch a fit every time somebody has an idea that changes your plans, it is going to get old really fast.  Because people are going to have their own ideas, and mess with your plans every step of the way.  It would be good to start early with the practice of asking yourself "Does this really matter?"  Like vyeta says, there is really no percentage in arguing with your FILs.  And just because they eventually give up and let you get your own way does not mean they don’t think you’re being unreasonable.  It just means that they’re tired of the argument, and they will now proceed to talk about you behind your back.  Believe it or not, you really need your FILs goodwill through this process.  Establishing right up front that you can get hysterical over details like this is not going make everybody more eager to help out. 

And criticizing your FBIL and his relationship is only going to make things worse.  So what if he spends (in your opinion) too much time with his girlfriend?  Hey, maybe they’ll elope the month before your wedding!  Maybe they’ll elope later this month, and by your wedding she will be hugely pregnant, and everybody will be so enamored with the thought of the impending grandkid that you will be completely overshadowed.  Seriously, whether their relationship lasts or not, you need to treat them both with respect.  Comments about whether it’s in his best interest to spend so much time with her are not really appropriate.

Post # 15
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Sorry… but I’d just let her come to the brunch, as long as she is leaving afterward (before the real bridal party-pertinent parts).

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