- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Sorry if this is a long post but I need help! I have been dating my fiance for 7 years. We have been engaged for about 8 months. I finally snapped the other day, almost like I woke up. We got in some stupid fight, he yelled at me and I got upset. I am always the one to try to smooth it over, in fact, I often have to write him a letter b/c he is impossible to talk to. So I decided I had enough of that and even went back the last few years and read all of these. They were so disturbing! It's often over his drinking and being disrespectful when he comes home, him getting enraged at me when I am crying/upset or snapping at me for nagging him to do stuff around the house. I will add that I do literally 90 percent of anything to do with the house, fixing, painting, repairs, housework, yardwork, etc. I am the guy.
He get furious when I am upset which is a weird reaction and the reason why we can't talk things out and I am forced to go write to him to explain myself. I realize how dysfunctional this is now and how I don't want to bring a child into this situation.
On the other hand. He is a NICE person, I know he loves me and very much wants to marry me, but with all these red flags I feel so reluctant that all this will get worse and not better. He had a pretty dysfunctional childhood and family still is so I know that is where it comes from but when do you draw a line and how much do you put up with?
His reaction to you being upset is a HUGE red flag, one that not only should not but MUST NOT be ignored. I'd suggest getting out now and finding someone who respects you more than this guy does. Big hugs!
ETA: You should not have to "explain yourself" to your significant other every time you're upset. That's not right and the fact that he won't communicate is disrespectful and manipulative.
I agree with Mrs Grape 100%. Big red flags.
I'm so hapy for you that you "woke up" to see this dude for the trouble he is.
I was in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He was great when he was sober...but that wasn't often enough. Eventually I realized I couldn't keep making excuses for him. I'd asked him to stop and he'd try for a while and then go back to status quo. I realized he's NOT going to change...and I had to decide "is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?" The answer was NO!
It was hard to break up, though. It's almost always hard...especially after that many years together...but it was THE BEST thing I ever did for myself. I am 100X happier now than I was...it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I found a great dude who doesn't belittle me or make me question my value...and I deserved that. I guess the ex is now in AA, which is great. I'm happy for him, I hope that he makes it because I know that's hard to beat...I hope he finds his own happines...I'm just glad it won't include me.
You are so fortunate to have awakened before the wedding! I post this all the time. What you see is what you get! It won't change. BTW a nice person does not get furious when you become upset. A nice person is not disrespectful to his SO. IMO you would be very wise break things off or at a very minimum take a break away from him and postpone the nuptials.
I appreciate all the support. It's so hard when you are in something to see how wrong it is. And for all the times I have been so upset and received zero compassion I still feel so incredibly bad hurting someone.....
A broken engagement is better than a divorce. One of my cousins had an "aha" moment the week before the wedding but walked down the aisle anyway. Needless to say, she's divorced. Her parents have said again and again that they would happily have paid for the entire wedding NOT to happen just so she didn't have to go through all of it.
So I had a talk with him, we both were pretty upset. I think it's still sort of in limbo. He says he knows where his rage comes from (childhood) and it will not happen again. I don't believe it, you don't just flip a switch after all this time. And he says he knows he doesn't help me and he'll do more.
My response was "why was I not good enough for you to do those things before?"
Run. You deserve someone that will always treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Read this: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-married-an-addict-long-sorry
@cp76: did you write a similar post a few days ago and allowed us all to read the letter you wrote to him?
Either way, I would walk away from this. There is nothing good coming from anyone having a rage/anger issue.
If you're even considering trying to make this work, PLEASE go to therapy. Him, you, and together. I think it's all necessary and important.
The answer is right there in your post. I'm so sorry, but you deserve so much better than that. You've given him seven years to become the man you deserve; you don't owe him anything. You owe yourself happiness.
I did not post the letter @Miss.Meeps. There was too many to post.
He is now telling me he will do anything to make it work. I feel so emotionally detached at this point. I do feel horrible that he is hurting but he never cared when I was...
@cp76: gotcha there was just a similar situation then. But dont worry about him and what he is going to do...the question is how do you feel and felt? What is in the best interest for you
I am speaking from experience when I say that you should listen to your gut (which is obviously telling you that this relationship isn't the best thing for you). I married a guy 5 years ago who I KNEW wasn't good for me and needless to say, I am now divorced. Believe me, the heartache that comes from a breakup is NOTHING compared to the pain, agony, and hurt you (and your family) go through when you're faced with divorce. Listen to these other bees and see a red flag for just that... a red flag. The truth is, this guy probably does love you, and you clearly love him too, but you have to ask yourself if his type of love is the kind you can live with for the rest of your life. the truth is, I think you probably deserve more than what he can give you at this point in his life. He needs to deal with his issues before he can be a productive partner in any relationship. I sincerily hope that you find the strength to do what is best for YOU (not neccessarily that is best for him). Luckily, I have found the man of my dreams and if you decide to walk away, know that you will too.
It's clear to me that he's obviously not a nice guy when he doesn't help with the housework on top of the fact that he's obviously got anger management issues that are worsened by a drinking problem. Yeah. Go with your gut.
You have obviously answered your own question. I'm glad that you are realizing before you go through with the wedding. And of course now he says he will do anything to get you to stay...but you need to stay strong and go with your gut. Don't settle for someone who has these types of mood swings...you never know if they will escalate into something more serious down the road...
I just want to offer you support. it can be SO hard to do the right thing - especially when we're trained our whole lives never to hurt people. But it's important to realize that there's a HUGE diffence between hurting someone out of negligence, anger, or maliciousness, and hurting them as a side effect of an important life change. Yes, he will hurt. No, it is not worth tying yourself to him for the rest of your life just to avoid hurting him.
What will hurt him most is to never have to confront his own behavior or have the chance to live a more fulfilling life. Your breaking up with him will give him this chance, if only he chooses to take it.
@mightywombat: your response was a billion times better than mine! Totally agree with everything you said :)
Call me ridiculous, but I'm a strong believer that we all have a little voice in us that always warns us when something might not be good for us, and that many of our problems begin when we choose to ignore it.
In your case, not only do you state that, "I finally snapped the other day, almost like I woke up", but also, see how many people here have said, "go with your gut". Your little voice is shouting from the roof tops with a bullhorn!
Best of luck to you.
He is sorry, he is apologizing, he said he is immature and wrong....I feel bad and then it makes so angry that NOW he wants to fix it....after all this time.
So frustrating...
Obviously he is going to say anything to make you stay one more day. However, what happens when you marry him? I think there is a strong possibility that he will go back to the same behavior, if he has even stopped it (or will refrain from doing it during the rest of the engagement). You already knew it would be difficult and painful to break this engagement, but that is the best thing for you and ultimately for him as well.
There isn't enough time between now and your wedding to show real change. The first thing you should do is cancel or postpone your wedding. Without that looming over your heads you can make better decisions.
Many on the Bee, myself included, think you should just break up and walk away. But if you aren't strong enough to do that right now, you should at least get some space from him. If you are living with him, move out. Don't *have* to break up, but moving out will give you both time and space to sort some things out. Then tell him what you need to see in order to show that he is trying to change-- rehab, weekly individual therapy and weekly group or AA--All three, not pick and chose one. If he isn't willing to do all three, then he isn't willing to change. That will give you your answer as to whether you should stay or go.
You should also get yourself into indiv therapy to figure out why you think it's okay for someone to treat you badly. If you don't figure that out, you will prob end up with someone similar again.
Good Luck and Hugs!
They were so disturbing! It's often over his drinking and being disrespectful when he comes home, him getting enraged at me when I am crying/upset or snapping at me for nagging him to do stuff around the house.
Are you sure he's not an alcoholic? An alcoholic puts booze before people and an alcoholic cries and begs forgiveness and that they will change.
If you are too confused or emtional right now to know what to do, make some distance (a lot of it) between you and him. Is that possible? Do you have somewhere to go?
Not ridiculous at all. It's that little voice that told me to end my first engagement and it was right.
@mmsva
I must have been typing and missed your reply because we have the same exact thoughts.
I really appreciate all the support, it's hard when you live with someone and they are so upset and beg for change. I am in therapy, have gone a few times now to get some clarity b/c it is so hard when you are in the middle of it.
He says he will do anything but I knew that would happen. And it sort of makes me mad that he never felt compelled before to do anything.
Do you REALLY think someone can change or it is just fear of their world turning upside down?
I honestly don't think that someone can "change". I think they can live up to their potential or avoid making the same mistakes again. But this "change" that he is undergoing now didn't originate with him. You are giving him ultimatums (seek therapy, do this/that) and he is trying to do them to make you happy. Not to be a better person or because HE wants to do them for himself, truly. He's just doing it to make you stay and as soon as he is comfortable that you are going to stay, I reckon he'll start falling back into the same old habits.
OP, sorry I have not read the comments, so forgive me if others have said this.
I was engaged to my BF of 5 years. I had this nagging feeling that it just wasn't right, even though we had been together for so long, lived together, etc. etc. I struggled with this feeling for months and months. With the help of talking to others, counseling, journaling, reading books and blogs, I finally decided it wasn't right... my ex-fiance had some red flags that I ignored as well.
First, I would suggest counseling, but only if YOU feel like it's worth salvaging. If you know if your heart of hearts that this is not right, then make peace with your decision and begin to heal.
Second, try to focus on the here and now. Could you marry the man he is today? What would need to change if not?
Do I think people can change? Sure. Do I think marriage will change him? NO! When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
Listen to your heart and your mind, but trust your gut.
So I did it, no wedding, he is at a friends house for now, probably finding a place to live. He goes b/t being sad and nice to angry. I know this is upsetting for him.
I feel a weird sense of calm but I also miss him. If anyone else has done this, what can I expect? I feel pretty emotionally detached from the situation on one hand but on the other I think of the million things we have done together and get a little sad.
I know I did the right thing but it's really hard....and hard to hurt someone else.
Hugs! I think its natural to miss him and feel bad, but remember you did the right thing! What you said about not wanting to bring children into dysfunction says it all. Take care of yourself, watch a movie, eat something yummy.
@cp76: These are normal feeling in a break up. When I broke up with my ex (who was very similar to yours), I felt sad because we had so many fun times together and I would miss that, but I also felt like a huge weight had been lifted. And that's how I knew it was right. Of course you will miss the person who has constantly been in your life for however long - that doesn't mean the relationship is right. Good for you for making the tough decision!
@cp76: I broke off my engagment two weeks ago. It was definitely the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's going to be hard at first, I won't lie. It's a struggle every day. But it does get better. Even after just two weeks I'm already in such a better place than I was back then.
The most important piece of advice I can give you if you're upset is to keep busy. Throw yourself into new projects, give yourself a makeover, organize your home, start a new hobby, bake delicious treats, etc. At first keeping busy for me was hard; everything reminded me of my ex. But gradually it changes, and then you're thinking about other things and focusing on your task.
It's okay to miss him. I miss my ex very much, and probably will for a very long time. And that's okay; he was a big part of your life for a long time, of course you'll miss him! But over time you'll miss him less and less.
Over time you'll notice yourself going an hour without thinking of him, and then a few hours at a time, and then a whole day, then days on end. It might be hard and upsetting at first, but it does get better. It gets easier.
<3
Wow, I appreciate your honesty with this difficult situation. Good for you for giving yourself credit and loving yourself. I think that in a year or more you will really realize that you are doing the right thing. So much love and support for you.
@cp76: Oh, honey. *hugs*
I broke off my engagement a couple of months ago. FI wasn't drinking to excess or being verbally manipulative/abusive, but some of the fights were pretty damn bad (breaking dishes, screaming, slamming doors, storming out, etc.). We just dealt with negative emotions in completely conflicting ways.
If you're anything like me, you're going to feel numb for a little while. It probably isn't ging to start feeling real right away. What you're going to want to do is keep yourself busy. Give yourself a couple weeks to NOT think about the wedding.
I moved out almost immediately, and that helped tremendously. I spent time with family, and dyed my hair. I know it's not in everyone's budget, but I bought new living room furniture. I'd definitely recommend buying new bedding at the very least. It was way cathartic not to have to sleep in a bed that looked the same as the one we shared.
I read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." I started a magazine. I boxed up all the planning stuff in a box, wrote Wedding Paraphernalia on the outside in black sharpie, and hid it in the depths of my storage. I ate cheeseburgers and ice cream, then I started working toward getting back to my "fighting weight". I bought shoes and makeup. I stored the dress in the top of the closet in the room I grew up in. I put the rings away and didn't wear them, look at them, or think about them. This is what helped me.
You're going to be really lonely, if you aren't already, so brace yourself. But you took back your dignity and control of your own fate, and that trumps EVERYTHING.
I'm here if you need to talk.
@cp76: I'm so glad you made a decision. That sense of calm you feel is knowing you made the right choice. Of course you miss him. You have a lot of memories together. I ended an engagment and I hurt him. We did remain friends until I became serious with my husband.
If it is meant to be, it will be. I always tried to remember that when I wondered if I was making the right decision about something.
Hugs to you and I hope you find happiness and even more peace in your life now. I know you will find the man you were meant to marry.
Wow, thanks so much to all of you. It's really nice to have support of people who are going/been through the same thing. It really means alot you all took the time to write! xoxo
@cp76: I'm very glad to hear you made the right decision. I was in a relationship before I met my FH. I was engaged to this guy who I dated awhile back for 3 years. we broke up and then started dating again 2 years later. It was a very volatile relationship. Sounds pretty similar to your issue. He would be fine then snap and be horrible. This was especially true when alcohol was in the mix and I found myself having to explain why I was upset all of the time. I wrote letters too because he wouldn't talk to me. It got so bad that our fights turned physical. slamming doors, storming out, hitting you name it. I came to the end of my rope one day after I found out he was talking to other women trying to hook up so I finally told him to get out of my apartment. I threw the ring at him and told him to be out. He moved out while I was at work one day and it was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I started hanging out with friends, meeting new people. I met my fiance and it's been awesome ever since.
Of course you'll feel a rush of all of these emotions at first. Proud that you finally did it, sad that he's gone (this is because he probably made you feel that you needed him to get by) lonely for sure but it all passes! It will get better and you've made the best decision of your life. You'll see! Keep your head up and feel free to message if you want to talk. I feel like you may be with my ex! lol
Hi Guys!
I am back, doing ok but sometimes really sad. Of course you always think of the good things. I do have to remind myself of the bad stuff and then I am fine.
What do you think is an appropriate time to start dating someone? I mean appropriate is in a healthy amount of time? I don't want to bring baggage into something else.
Thanks!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 52 |
| Brielle | 43 |
| This Time Round | 42 |
| Future Mrs K | 38 |
| mypinkshoes | 34 |
| his chippymunk | 34 |
| Cady | 32 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 32 |
| TheLionQueen | 31 |
| AshleyR83 | 30 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| funkymunky85 | 9 |
| ebotlsrm | 5 |
| Lyndzo | 4 |
| mightywombat | 3 |
| AshleyR83 | 3 |
| MrsN2Be | 3 |
| Future Mrs K | 3 |
| rebwana | 3 |
| jules28 | 3 |
| melisslp | 2 |
