Need advice…found something scary…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not trying to be harsh, but realistic. Once a cheater, always a cheater. This guy has proven it to you a couple times. You need to move out and move on. I know it hurts now, but it will cause you worse pain down the road when you’ve wasted so much time. There is someone out there who is actually meant for you and won’t hurt you.


Post # 4
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I dont really have advice but I am really sorry you are going through this. I wont say you should leave him but his behavior when confronted on these issues is a red flag in my book

Post # 5
3778 posts
Honey bee

@anony114:  Oh honey. I have luckily never had to go through this but I will try to help anyway. It sounds like you need a chat with him first off, which you said you were going to do. Which is good. BUT it sounds like this thing will keep happening and it is upsetting and disrespectful to you. Yes, some men may look at some naughty things but to keep them saved on your computer is another matter (in my view anyway). I think really you need to decide that if, IF, you sort it out this time, is this the last time? Could you cope going through this again? Another two times? After you are married? Maybe when kids are involved? I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you manage to get it sorted. Look after yourself though. You are number 1.

Post # 6
40 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sounds like my ex boyfriend. I gave him so many chances to stop with the talking to other girls and internet porn and he would apologize profusely and promise that he loves me more than anything but in the end he would go back to his old ways. Get out now while you can and find someone who will be true to only you. You deserve better!

Post # 7
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, I’ve been in a similar situation with my ex…which is why he is my ex.  Time to walk away. He’s shown you his true character and how little he values and respects you on  multiple occassions. Now, respect yourself enough to leave. Good luck. I know it isn’t easy.

Post # 8
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@anony114:  You said no harsh comments but Im sorry I have nothing nice to say when it comes to a situation like this. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. you know that saying? well its true. You have set a pattern that shows him that he can get away with doing stuff like this and you will take it. He has no reason to truly not do these things because to him, the consequences don’t exist. You stayed. You said he did something like this with your best friend?! and now you are wondering what to do now that you have found more evidence that he is not respecting your relationship or you? You say he is all these wonderful things, Im sure he’s not a bad person in general. But even nice guys are capable of doing bad things. In his case, more than once.

I understand you are emotional and Im so very sorry that you got hurt. I really think it’s time to face the facts and move on. A man who loves you won’t do things like this. You will be the only woman that exists to him. Even if he is lonely in a hotel room. It will be you he misses and seeks communication with.

Please put yourself first and realize that no conversation is going to fix this. The fact that you still snoop says you still didn’t trust him. Trust is a must for a healthy solid relationship. After this I would bet it will be damn near impossible to every truly have that with him.

Post # 9
9019 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anony114:  ((HUGS))  I’m so sorry you’re hurting and having to deal with this! 

First question, though:  Do you want to stay with him?  Because if you do I suggest the two of you talk about all of this out in the open, as calmly as possible.  Ask if he will consider getting couples counseling.  Somehow you both need to get to the root cause of his behavior.  If he can’t be 100% open and honest with you about why he’s doing these things, your relationship won’t work.  You can’t stay and be miserable and not trust him, that’s not healthy for you.

On the other hand, if you’re considering leaving him over this (and I wouldn’t blame you), then also think about getting some counseling for yourself to help you deal with the grief of ending the relationship. 

It sounds like this is HIS problem and nothing you’ve done wrong.  Some people have issues with addiction and that can be expressed in sexual ways.  Some people are just flat out cheaters and liars and if they refuse to acknowledge what they’ve done to hurt you there isn’t a lot you can do except move on.  You need to talk with him about all this and his reaction will tell you which type of issue he has.  If he doesn’t care to change or doesn’t really understand how hurtful he is being – and disrespectful to your relationship – then you need to decide if you really want to live a life with someone who doesn’t really love you.  If he WANTS to change this he can.  But he can’t change if he’s going to switch the blame around on you.

You deserve better.

Post # 10
4961 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry this happened to you! I know how hard it is to leave someone when you have such strong feelings for them- even when they do something wrong. I snooped through my ex-boyfriends phone once and found texts from his ex-girlfriend and another girl saying she was “pissed” I was going to be at an event we were going to. I didn’t know what to do for a week until I finally called it quits. I believe that you should always trust your gut ~ and clearly yours is telling you that something is wrong in this relationship. 

To me, he has proven that he can’t be trusted. If he did it just once- fine, MAYBE I could forgive him. But now you just found another picture of another girl…. this proves to me that this is going to keep happening over and over again. 

I think you deserve much better than this guy. You should be happy you found this out before you got married, but I know it’s tough to be “happy” about anything right now. 

You can find a man that only wants to be with you and not talking to other girls on the internet (and who knows – maybe in person?). Also, do you want to live your life with a guy who you don’t trust? It’s stressful! I thought I might marry the BF that I snooped on, and now that we broke up, I met a great man that I am marrying next year. I’ve never felt the urge to snoop through any of his stuff, and know that he’s not cheating or talking to other girls.  You deserve better & will find it! 

Post # 11
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater, but he has shown this behavior a few times.  I am sorry you are going through this, and hope you come to peace with your decision.

Post # 12
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am really sorry that this is happening to you . you deserve way better then what you are getting. If you stay then you are  settling For less.  Changing passwords, blaming you for actually finding stuff. There is no trust and with out trust which to me is the foundation of the relationship  you  can’t build a happy home. 

Post # 13
929 posts
Busy bee

@anony114:  love yourself more than you love him. Move out of your shared place in with family or friends and move on. You’ve given him the chance to change and he hasn’t. It’s likely that he’s not going to either. Sorry OP. 

Post # 14
805 posts
Busy bee

I’m very sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful. I have to say, if this is the THIRD time it has happened and one of those times was with your BEST FRIEND (and he’s being very defensive when he’s clearly wrong), then if it were me I’d call it quits. It doesn’t matter how wonderful he might be in other respects, he’s pretty crap on the trust and mutual respect front. I hope you manage to come to a decision where you won’t end up being hurt by him again.

Post # 15
10899 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Your FI appears to have a problem at least with pornography (pehaps more), and although many people have their own definitions of what constitutes an addiction, it is clear that he cannot seem to stay away from it, even if his setbacks have been less frequent than they originally were.

Many bees will disagree with me on this, but I think there has to be a zero tolerance  policy toward something like pornography.  Because of my faith, I believe it not only is morally wrong (and here is where some who do not share my faith may agree with me) but also it is harmful and disrespectful to you and your relationship. When you include the fact that he may be interacting with other women at least electronically, and the secrecy and deception involved, the relationship is further damaged.

Again, I am only able to speak from my own world view on this. However, I believe these types of entangling temptations usually cannot be overcome completely simply by an act of a person’s will, although most definitely,  an act of the person’s will is a necessity. I personally believe that these types of powerful, enticing, entanglements can be broken only through intervention — in my belief system that would be divine intervention (i.e. the power of God) — as well as counseling and accountability (to someone else.)

As painful as it would be to endure a break up, I could not choose to marry someone who was continuing to do these things. Obviously, only you and your FI are able to decide how you will proceed from here. However, I would strongly advise you NOT to move forward in your relationship right now — unless or until your FI chooses to do whatever it takes to be free of this temptation — unless you are fully prepared to live with these circumstances throughout the future of your relationship, including marriage.


Post # 16
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

This must be awful, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, as I can imagine it’s devastating to find something like that!

Firstly, if you’re in a position where, even after dealing with this issue once before, you still feel the need to check his emails then he is obviously acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable and suspicious, and this is not good for the relationship or for your well-being. It sounds like he has some sort of problem or addition to this kind of stuff, and it might be a deeply rooted problem that you’d need to get to the bottom of. Addictions though can plague someone their whole life long (without proper treatment for it, but even then they have relapses) so this might be something you could think about if you decide to stay with him.

I have been with someone with a problem not quite the same as this but similar in that he repeated bad behavior. I left him because the emotional torment for me was just tremendous and I didn’t want that for my life anymore. I didn’t want to be watching him, or ever feeling insecure, and I couldn’t see that he’d ever change. It could be that this is something you feel like you can work through, but I would need to see a HUGE commitment to change and I’m not sure, from the history you’ve described here, that you’ll really get that from him.

Try to take some deep breaths and don’t make any rash decisions until you feel your head clear enough to think straight. Maybe go to a friend’s house or one of your sisters’ tonight and have some time out, then talk to him and see if you can get the answers you need. Good luck!

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