Weddingbee boards

Yes, add me to the family drama board. Here is the situation, my FI is 11 years older than I am, his daughters are 20 and 25. They are sweet girls for the most part, but do have a mouth and attitude to go with it. My biggest problem is that they would roll their eyes at their dad (my FI) and make comments like: "what are you? Retard??" in a casual way which I am not used to. (As in someone's grown up child talking to their parent that way). So we've been dating for over a year and engaged to be married in a few months. I haven't honestly make effort to take them out to get to know them, it doesn't help that they are usually busy and when we invite them for occasions, they might come if they feel like it or they might decide to cancel at the last minute. So I asked my close friends and my daughter to be the bridesmaids. The dilemmas is this, my FI has told the oldest girl's husband to be the groomsman and his daughters to be the flowergirls, just recently, his oldest daughter decided to send him a email telling him that she does not wish for them to be a part of the wedding because of the past hurt he has cause in her wedding years ago. It was a venting letter that is pretty immature in nature, which is what I observed in their behaviors. But my FI talked it out with her, pointing out her immature points. So now she has allowed her husband to be the GM, but still not her daughters to be flowergirls (which still hurts my FI's feelings, even if he doesn't say so). But I am now pressured by him and his mom (whom I do respect and love dearly) to take the girls out. (A part of their venting had to do with the fact that they were not a part of the wedding nor are they invited to the bachelorette party, which consist of just the bridesmaids and myself). Although I really don't want to, I will do so for his sake, but should I just take them out to dinner, or do something more to give in to their whims?? (His other daughter was suppose to pick up the wedding cake and she has also backed out and I was able to find someone to replace the flower girl and cake pick up now). Once we speak to the pastor, we will know exactly what else we need for the ceremony, I was going to ask them to do something in there such as a reading or something, but now I am not sure, what do you bees think??

Thanks for the advice. I will take them out. Although I do want to clarify with Littlestbird that their grudges against their father, included items such as he didn't contribute enough to their wedding thus she didn't feel obligated to run around all over the place for our wedding, and that she feels her daughters should not be flower girls in our wedding because it is his third wedding and she wants them to be in her sister's wedding that will be the her first time. So no, those are not legitimate grudges. The true reason for her venting is she wanted her father to pay for her husband's tux (because that was when the email came), and when that didn't forthcome (he already gave her money for the girls' flower dresses) and on top them not involved (we had already planned on having them helping, but was not sure what they would want to do), she blew up. Truth be told, it was all about money with them. But yes, we will try to involve them somehow for the wedding, maybe reading or something so that if they decide to back out, no one will know the difference as they will the flower girls.

I just read over my post, and I realized that I didn't clarify that the oldest daughter has two daughters (his grandchildren), they were the intended flower girls, not his daughters. Sorry for the confusion.

Thank you for all of your advices, as I've said before, I will be taking them out to appease them. I know that their mom and dad divorced because of lots of arguments over money issues (high maintenance), so it is a learned prospective. I do realize that they will be a part of my life soon. I don't call them my step daughters on intention, I still call my ex husband"my ex husband", I am simply the type of person who likes boundaries. Title and otherwise. FI is VERY involved with their lives, constantly taking them out and helping them out financial on demand, babysit and whatever they need, he is there for them. I guess a part of it is also we are having a really small wedding and really trying to cut costs everywhere so whenever I discuss with him about what they can do, really outside of being a part of bridal party to stand up for the bride/groom, there is really no other role that require women (small ceremony and restaurant). Again, once we meet with the pastor, we will know how many reading or whatever else we may require we can ask them to do. I do believe that my FI and I did discuss what they can do, but there is honestly very little to do. (All of my friends have offered to sing, play music, photos, set up arrangements, and pick up cake) Yes, even the big jobs are done. So I do believe the only thing left is just the reading of scriptures in church. Thank you for all of your contributions though.