(Closed) Need advice/opinions

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you should.  They have a separate relationship from you.  Just don’t get sucked back into anything with R>

Post # 4
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Please don’t. You have to be the adult in this situation. Your ex is an awful person. Your son is too young and innocent to know that. But you do. Your son needs you to protect him against badness that he doesn’t yet understand.

Post # 5
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

While I don’t agree with missmichigan, she brings up a good point. Don’t give your ex any opportunity to rope you back in, and that includes using your son as a pawn against you.

Please realize that someone who treated you like crap was in no way wonderful to your son. You’re his mother – any harm he did to you had a negative effect on your son. Perhaps more so than you understand right now.

I urge you to see a therapist or counsellor to work through the aftermath of this abusive relationship, and to learn how to set appropriate boundaries with others… especially those who have hurt you.

Post # 6
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree. I think a relationship with R would be good for your son. I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years, he had a little girl who I helped raise. When I left him, he didn’t allow me to have any contact with her. A few months later I ran into her older sister at the mall and I gave her my number for my sister to call me. She is 10 now and was really happy to hear form me. She told me that she thought I left becasue of her and that I didn’t love her, all which were unture. I am glad that I can talk to her without him being in the picture, altthough her Mom isn’t really happy that I do, but it’s for her that we do it. I played a big role in that littl egirls life. i taught her how to wirte her name, tie her shoes and to read! She was like my daughter. With that said, I think it could be good for  your son to have a continuing bond with R, but don’t lwt yourself let too involved with R.  Have miinimum conversations with R and only have them about your son and nothing else. You don’t want any feelings of the past to spark, especially if he was verbally abusive.

Post # 7
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Unless “R” is his father, I really don’t think it would be wise. He was emotianally abusive to you. Your son may not understand why you won’t let him talk to him right now, but as he gets a little older, he will. I suggest finding some other activities for your son. Sign him up for sports or if he doesn’t like sports, sign him up for something else that he has an interest in. I don’t know you or your son, but maybe your son is bored and/or needs some type of father figure in his life. Maybe look into the Big Brother program or the Boys and Girls Club or the YMCA. There are a lot of places that offer classes and/or support for young kids.

Post # 8
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Unless “R” is your son’s father (which it sounds like he’s not), I don’t think it is a good idea.  If “R” was abusive to you, he will likely try to use your son as a pawn against you and that is not a fair position to put your son in.  Especially when he is too young to understand the circumstances.

As you yourself said – this is a phase you son is going through.  Keep him busy and soon enough, he won’t ask about “R” anymore and you can both move along with your lives in peace.

Post # 9
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@tinarenee77: But that’s a completely different situation. You wanted to be in your ex’s daughter’s life, and you’re not an abuser… at least I hope you arent.

OP’s ex has shown no indication that he actually wants to be back in her son’s life. It’s the child who wants to rekindle the relationship. Who knows what the ex will think if the OP calls him up now.

Post # 10
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t think it’s a very good idea. I think a better solution would be to see if your son could get involved in boyscouts or the Big Brother/(Sister) program so that he has some positive male role models in his life.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

she said verbally abusive, not physically.  It sounds like he was a jerk in the relationship but a valuable member of your child’s life.

Post # 12
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@jayce: True, it is a different situation, but I still think that if R wants to continue some type of relationship with the son, then I think they should. BUT, if R does not want anything to do with them, then she need to explain to her son why. I think it’s best that she is honest with him. Yes, he might be too young to totally understand, but you don’t want him to feel like he was just abandoned by him. That might cause more issues for the son down the road.

Post # 13
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@missmichigan: I just wanted to reply to what you stated about “verbally abusive, not physically”. I have been a victim of both of those and verbal abuse can sometimes be way worse that physical abuse. In my opinion, this man should not be a part of this boys life in any way shape or form. Abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated ever.

Post # 15
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@missmichigan: I’ll second abuse is abuse.  It doesn’t matter if it is physical, mental, emotional, verbal, etc – It is still abuse and it is still inappropriate to expose a young child to.

Post # 16
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Was he abusive to your Son in any shape or form?

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