Post # 1
I’m looking for some advise, or words of encouragement. Does it ever get any easier? My FI is 6 years older than I am, he has 2 kids from his first marriage. I do not have any, and he cannot have anymore. I basically gave up having kids to be with him, i was well aware of that before entering into this relationship. They are 13 & 16, we all get along great. One of the biggest issues is dealing with his ex. My FI and his ex do not get along at all. She bad mouths him to her kids, she tries to disrupt anything special we want to do with them. For example, a new movie comes out on “our weekend” she wants to switch, but I already bought tickets for us to go together. So she gives them the guilt trip and tells them how she really wanted them to see the movie with her, she wanted to plan a special night, go to a nice restaurant etc… I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. They are basically teenagers, so they do tell me a lot of things that they shouldn’t about their home life and the things their mother says and does.
Since we got engaged things have been getting worse, even though the ex is also engaged, they all live together, kids, their mother and her FI. My FI lets her walk all over him, he lets her get her own way all the time. He says that it’s easier, he doesn’t want to deal with the conflict, and if she doesn’t get her way she will just bad mouth him to their kids. It is driving me crazy!!! He doesn’t say anything at all to his kids, he believes that when they are grown they will realize how she treated him, and the things she did to take his time away from being with them.
His ex and her FI are in the legal field, he is a lawyer and she works in his office, so they have about triple if not more of the income that we do. I feel like she tries to “buy” them away from us.
I almost, Almost feel like I want to give up, I won’t, but I hate feeling this way. I feel like I gave up so many things that I wanted to be with him. He just doesn’t realize what it feels like to be on the other side.
I am trying to stay positive.
Post # 3
Being a parent to bonus children can be difficult. At times it can be hard not knowing where to step in and when it just isn’t your right. DH’s ex-wife is very difficult, which only started after we got engaged. She has become evil essentially. I do what I can to stay out of it. I do not have negative conversations with her and I have realized that arguing with DH about standing up for himself gets us no where.
I never communicate anything negative to the little guy about his Mom and niether does DH. Your FI is correct with the thinking that his children understand the dynamics and if he is the one that stays positive, his relationship with them will stay that way. I actually posted recently on here and lots of ladies from divorced families said that they watched their Moms act negative about their fathers and eventually resented her for it, not him.
There have been times in my relationship where I wonder if I made the right choice in choosing someone to marry that has children, because of the added stress it adds to our life. This has nothing to do with my bonus son, I love him as if he was my own, it striclty has to do with ex-wife, and not just the way she treats DH, but the way she treats her own son. It gives me a heavy heart. 🙁
With that said, I have never once felt like I gave up anything to be with DH. He is the love of my life, and I am so lucky to have him there. I have made sacrifices, which everyone has to when getting married, but having your own children is a very large sacrifice to make. I would make sure that you’re ready for that and won’t be resentful. Sometimes love isn’t enough if it would ruin the way you thought your life would be.
Post # 4
What a frigging cow this woman is.
If I were you, I would surprise them with special things and don’t let them be known in advance. Don’t take it personally; this is something that people with very little self-esteem or self-confidence do. They are always worried that someone is going to take their love away from their kids. Bozos!
There’s a special place in hell for people like her. What kind of horrible person would not be thrilled at the idea of having another person around to love her children?! GEEZE!