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http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=660559&showcomments=true
ha ha this is a great article ha ha
First, she's probably always going to be bitter. Second, if she's jealous of you, you are right to assume she won't let you have the kids that weekend.
Mt advice is to have your FI lie through his teeth. Have him ask her to switch weekends because he wants to spend some quality time alone with the kids without you. Let her jealousy play to your advantage. If he hints that the point is for them NOT to see you, she may play nice.
I should note that I'm basing my advice on my DH's psycho ex. Your DH knows his ex best, he would know best if she'll play nice or not. Three years is a long time, so...
My advise is get a lawyer and hold on for the ride. They are his children and he really needs to get something in writing. You can do that before the wedding, get a temporary custody order (just telling which weekends, holiday's, family occasions, etc..). If you can keep any messages or record her saying these things, the court can order her into a parenting counsoling program. We had these same issues with my FH's ex, the problem has since rectified itself.
I second tksjewelry on getting a lawyer. They are his kids as much as they are hers, and she has no right to tell him he can't have them for the weekend. But the oldest should (in most places) legally be able to decide for herself where to be.
My question is whether you plan to keep this from the kids. I'm not sure you can trust a 10-year-old to not tell her mother about daddy's wedding if she knows about it. Unless she really has a clear concept of how crazy her mother is.
Good luck with this. I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
I don't think anyone here can really answer this perfectly fr you as we do not know your exact custody situation, or this woman's exact personality. But given what you've written, I would go with your fiance's plan. Presumably, he knows her and how she will respond best.
It seems as though you are focusing your attention on the kids not being at the wedding. Which he was with you on.... until he focused his attention a bit farther, on the kids not being with you AFTR the wedding. And I would have to agree. As much as it would suck for her to keep the children from your wedding, it would suck far worse to have her respond vindictively and keep the children from him entirely after the wedding. If you do not have a custody arrangement to prevent his, and he feels this is a real risk, then I would FAR rather risk not having the kids at the wedding than being cut out of their lives entirely.
I also agree with the other poster that you should see a lawyer and get a custody arrangement that would prevent either of those things. Married or not, he has rights as a father. He just needs to get them officially. All the time and effort spent worrying over this woman should be spent worrying over seeing her in court, imo.
As an aside, while this woman's text definitely makes her seem unbalanced, and she sounds quite petty and vindictive - hair cutting is actually a HUGE thing with mothers. I know so many women who have been ENRAGED by a family member or an ex's new partner cutting their child's hair without their permission. In terms of keeping the peace, I would suggest that rather than instantly dismiss all her anger, you try to be a bit more aware of potential triggers, and keep the peace. Also, you seem shocked that she hates you so much without having ever met you. Well, imagine this were your child. Would NOT knowing the person they're spending so much time with make you feel any happier? Doubtful. I don't know the circumstances for why you have not met your future step-children's mother, but if possible, you should try to work on building an amicable relationship with her. Regardless of who is at fault and making all the mistakes, that really is what is best for the children.
I totally agree about getting some legal advice. Just because they weren't married doesn't mean they aren't still his kids and he DOES have rights. My advice, don't put the kids in a situation where they have to lie or keep things from their mother. As a kid, the guilt would have consumed me and it sounds like you care about these kids so I'm sure you don't want to put them in that position. I'd leave it up to your FI to talk to her. She might react badly initially but hopefully she'll get over it. Goodluck!
What if his children say something to her? You can't ask them to lie for you and it is obviously going to be something exciting for them so they will probably talk with their mother about it. I would say that if anything you should tell her the sooner the better because the children should not be put in the middle and feel like they cannot talk about the fun and exciting parts of their lives because it may cause their parents to fight.
If you tell her now rather than later she will have plenty of time to possibly get over it rather then someone accidentally tells her 2 days before and she goes into complete meltdown mode.
These are not small children, as far as not being able to see them after the wedding, I feel like they (especially the 15 year old) are old enough to request time with their dad and mom does not have complete control. This may not help, IÄm just saying , I can't see how she can keep them from him, if they were younger it would be a different story.
oh wow i would have to agree with the lawyer part. That is so dumb that yall have to tip toe around her because she is a witch (change w with a B).
sorry you have to go through this hopefully later on in life she gets over herself and you can live peaceful with seeing the kids. =(
ok... maybe i shouldn't have started this board... whoops.
ok 1 - the 10yr old is a boy not a girl... noticed someone said that. and it was almost 2yrs ago that we had our engagement party and the kids were there (he was 8yrs) and he just thought we were having a party... didn't know what it was about. so basically he doesn't know anything. AND a few years ago when they were over he said... randomly... "dad, you and juliette are not allowed to get married or have babies!" confussed we asked why and he said "because mum said that when yous get married or have babies that you won't love us anymore and you wont want us to come over to your house" ... CRAZY!!!! who would tell their child that! ARGH!
2 - no.. not getting a lawyer... waste of time... seriously, and money.
3 - the 15yr old HATES her mother. Me and her were talking one day and she was telling me how much she hates her mum and was like "oh i'm sure you dont hate her, you just dislike the things she says or does" and she was like "no i seriously hate her, i know that when parents split that the kids are meant to love their mum more... well i dont! I hate her" i didn't say anymore...this is her mums fault... she is the one pushing her kids away from the way she speaks to them whether its about us or not. Claire was telling me that if she is getting in trouble for something she has done at school or something that has NOTHING to do with us half way through her mum yelling at her she will say "Your head is stuck so far up Juliettes a$$" like WHAT?!?!?!?! Claire said she is so sick of hearing that and said that now she just responds with "yeah yeah my head is so far up there that i can see rainbows and unicorns" :O i was like... WOAH your game to say that!! LOL!
4 - We dont tell them not to tell their mum things... NEVER! Claire wouldn't dare speak of my name otherwise she would get into soooo much trouble. lol a little while ago Brett decided he would take his wallet that we just got him back to his mums... umm without us knowing LOL if i knew i would have taken the photo out before he left LMAO!!! Claire said she was screaming and yelling at brett saying "HOW DARE YOU BRING HER INTO MY HOUSE!!!!" brett bought the wallet back to our house LMAO!!! whooops!!
5 - She is twice my age... she is my mum ages... she scares me, seriously! there is no way that i would even try to talk to her as i would be so scared that she would beat me or something LOL probably not but still LOL.
I've been nice to her... like a couple of years ago i gave Claire a bunch of clothes to give to her to see if she would like them... they were all basically new and i had only worn like once... and i had lost so much weight that they were like 5sizes to big for me... she accepted them. didn't say anything... which i wasn't expecting anything like a thank you lol...
Craig is thinking about speaking with Claire... explaining the whole thing, and see what she thinks...
but once again i would like to say... no lawyers... we're not doing anything like that, so please no more lawyer comments thx.
ALL 15 y.o. girls "hate" their mother, that is something very, very normal at that age.
I don't really have any advice to offer you if you're not interested in getting a lawyer. Just because your FI and his ex were never married does NOT mean that he isn't allowed custody of some sort. Unless he is avoiding the court system because he owes back child support or something there is nothing to fear about the system.
we pay child support... we pay everything actually.. school fees... school uniforms, school books etc... new clothes (which we never see again)... even when we go to pick them up she'll be like "i need petrol money" give her $20 for that.
I know all 15yr old girls "hate" their mother... but this is not that same as that... i remember when i was 15... mum was like "omg annoying!" LOL but never hated her to the point where i would fake being sick not to see her.... i would fake being sick not to go to school lol all of a sudden when its the morning they have to go back home claire sick... her stomach hurts.. so heaven knows what goes on at that house *rolls eyes*
is there anyway to lock this board... or just kill it??? i can just see everyone having a go at me now for not wanting a lawyer etc :(
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Hey Bees
OK... so our plan was not to say anything to her and hope that she doesn't find out until after the wedding... well last night we were talking about wedding stuff and trying to figure out what we could tell her as to why we want them that weekend (as it'll be the weekend after they go back to school) anyway Craig said that we might have to tell her... now i know this might sound easy to some people but this woman is a psycho... i said "no i dont want to tell her because then she'll be like fine your not having the kids that weekend" and there isn't anything we can do because there is nothing legal etc.. they were never married etc... a little hard to go into detail.
anyway so Craig said "If we don't tell her, and then she finds out afterwards why we had the kids that weekend then she will be so angry" which i can understand.... but then it scares me to think of the possibilty of telling her before hand and her saying "fine your not having them that weekend... your not playing 'happy families with my children" and that is something i have heard from her before... well Craig got a text from her after we took the kids back (this is back in 2006) and we had got his daughters hair trimmed... "don't you ever like that F***en Sl** touch my daughters hair again... dont go playing happy families with my F***en children" Eep!!! LOL i've never met her.. never spoken to her and never once have a treated her kids badly EVER!!
I think i know deep down that the right thing would be to give her the benifit of the doubt and tell her before hand but there is that part of me that doesn't want to do that and just keep it from her!! FOREVER LOL
I dont ever say anything bad about her in front of the kids or to the kids... that would be wrong because she is still their mother... but she doing a wonderful job of slowly pushing her kids away by the way she speaks about us to the kids... "alright its time to go your fathers and his Sl**ty girlfriends house" so nice! LOL this is not something you want to be saying to a 10 and 15yr old... they are smart and are figuring out quickly that she is the only one who ever says bad things... silly woman!
but yeah some advise... or support LOL