(Closed) Need advise on telling SO ex-partner about wedding ~LONG~

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

no advice, just wanted to say sorry you have to deal with that stupid wench!

Post # 5
Member
5824 posts
Bee Keeper

First, she’s probably always going to be bitter.  Second, if she’s jealous of you, you are right to assume she won’t let you have the kids that weekend.

Mt advice is to have your FI lie through his teeth.  Have him ask her to switch weekends because he wants to spend some quality time alone with the kids without you.  Let her jealousy play to your advantage.  If he hints that the point is for them NOT to see you, she may play nice.

I should note that I’m basing my advice on my DH’s psycho ex.  Your DH knows his ex best, he would know best if she’ll play nice or not.  Three years is a long time, so…

Post # 6
Member
14750 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My advise is get a lawyer and hold on for the ride.  They are his children and he really needs to get something in writing.  You can do that before the wedding, get a temporary custody order (just telling which weekends, holiday’s, family occasions, etc..).  If you can keep any messages or record her saying these things, the court can order her into a parenting counsoling program.  We had these same issues with my FH’s ex, the problem has since rectified itself.

Post # 7
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I second tksjewelry on getting a lawyer.  They are his kids as much as they are hers, and she has no right to tell him he can’t have them for the weekend.  But the oldest should (in most places) legally be able to decide for herself where to be.

My question is whether you plan to keep this from the kids.  I’m not sure you can trust a 10-year-old to not tell her mother about daddy’s wedding if she knows about it.  Unless she really has a clear concept of how crazy her mother is.

Good luck with this.  I’m sorry you have to deal with her.

Post # 8
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I don’t think anyone here can really answer this perfectly fr you as we do not know your exact custody situation, or this woman’s exact personality.  But given what you’ve written, I would go with your fiance’s plan.  Presumably, he knows her and how she will respond best.

It seems as though you are focusing your attention on the kids not being at the wedding.  Which he was with you on…. until he focused his attention a bit farther, on the kids not being with you AFTR the wedding.  And I would have to agree.  As much as it would suck for her to keep the children from your wedding, it would suck far worse to have her respond vindictively and keep the children from him entirely after the wedding. If you do not have a custody arrangement to prevent his, and he feels this is a real risk, then I would FAR rather risk not having the kids at the wedding than being cut out of their lives entirely.

I also agree with the other poster that you should see a lawyer and get a custody arrangement that would prevent either of those things.  Married or not, he has rights as a father.  He just needs to get them officially.  All the time and effort spent worrying over this woman should be spent worrying over seeing her in court, imo.

As an aside, while this woman’s text definitely makes her seem unbalanced, and she sounds quite petty and vindictive – hair cutting is actually a HUGE thing with mothers.  I know so many women who have been ENRAGED by a family member or an ex’s new partner cutting their child’s hair without their permission.  In terms of keeping the peace, I would suggest that rather than instantly dismiss all her anger, you try to be a bit more aware of potential triggers, and keep the peace.  Also, you seem shocked that she hates you so much without having ever met you.  Well, imagine this were your child.  Would NOT knowing the person they’re spending so much time with make you feel any happier?  Doubtful.  I don’t know the circumstances for why you have not met your future step-children’s mother, but if possible, you should try to work on building an amicable relationship with her. Regardless of who is at fault and making all the mistakes, that really is what is best for the children.

Post # 9
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I totally agree about getting some legal advice. Just because they weren’t married doesn’t mean they aren’t still his kids and he DOES have rights. My advice, don’t put the kids in a situation where they have to lie or keep things from their mother. As a kid, the guilt would have consumed me and it sounds like you care about these kids so I’m sure you don’t want to put them in that position. I’d leave it up to your FI to talk to her. She might react badly initially but hopefully she’ll get over it. Goodluck!

Post # 10
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

What if his children say something to her? You can’t ask them to lie for you and it is obviously going to be something exciting for them so they will probably talk with their mother about it. I would say that if anything you should tell her the sooner the better because the children should not be put in the middle and feel like they cannot talk about the fun and exciting parts of their lives because it may cause their parents to fight.

If you tell her now rather than later she will have plenty of time to possibly get over it rather then someone accidentally tells her 2 days before and she goes into complete meltdown mode.

Post # 11
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

These are not small children, as far as not being able to see them after the wedding, I feel like they (especially the 15 year old) are old enough to request time with their dad and mom does not have complete control. This may not help, IÄm just saying , I can’t see how she can keep them from him, if they were younger it would be a different story.

Post # 12
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

oh wow i would have to agree with the lawyer part. That is so dumb that yall have to tip toe around her because she is a witch (change w with a B).

sorry you have to go through this hopefully later on in life she gets over herself and you can live peaceful with seeing the kids. =(

Post # 14
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

ALL 15 y.o. girls “hate” their mother, that is something very, very normal at that age.

 

I don’t really have any advice to offer you if you’re not interested in getting a lawyer.  Just because your FI and his ex were never married does NOT mean that he isn’t allowed custody of some sort.  Unless he is avoiding the court system because he owes back child support or something there is nothing to fear about the system.

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