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I would love to get the hive's opinion on this: we are for all intensive purposes having a "Jewish wedding" (FI is Jewish, I am non-religious). We are having a huppah, a Rabbi, a Ketubah, breaking the glass, having almost an entirely traditional Jewish ceremony. The only thing I have put my foot down on were no kippahs (we are getting married in a hotel ballroom and my mother was concerned people would feel uncomfortable even if they were optional, which I agree with, and my mom and dad are paying for 80% of the wedding), and I wanted FI to walk in with the Rabbi for the ceremony across the front of the room, with the groomsmen filing in behind him.
Traditionally, in Jewish weddings the groom walks in between his mother and father, and then the parents stand up front during the ceremony. I don't want to do this.
1) We are doing a "first look" and pictures before the ceremony, but then we will have a break before the wedding starts and I don't want FI standing in line right in front of me before we walk in.
2) I HATE the "clutching" mother of the groom thing. And FMIL WILL do this. She's all about "her little boy"
3) My parents don't want to stand up front during the ceremony. They want to sit and watch. I think it would look weird if FI's parents are standing up there and mine aren't. Plus, if HIS parents walk HIM down the aisle, MY parents will have to walk ME down the aisle, and I've already decided that I want my brother to walk my mom down because I want to include him in that part of the ceremony. Plus, it's a really important moment for my dad and me and my mom has already told me that she wants that to be just for the two of us.
Any advice on how to deal with this situation? Or any girls marrying Jewish guys running into this same issue? And HOW do I politely tell my MIL that she is NOT walking with her son down the aisle?
We just went through almost the exact same situation. We are trying to include both Jewish and Catholic traditions, and I am pretty openminded about most of the Jewish stuff. But I wasn't at all comfortable with the kippahs or groom walking down the aisle, so we are not doing either.
So here is my advice: get FI squarely on your side before even approaching MIL. Explain that you have been really openminded about many Jewish traditions (list a few), but you feel really uncomfortable about the parents walking him down the aisle. You can explain it the way you did in your post. I told my FI that I had been looking forward to walking down the aisle with my dad since I was a little girl and this was one of my few wedding dreams / things I was asking for.
Once he agreed, he explained this to his mother. Honestly, I think she wasn't shocked since I'm not Jewish. Not to say she wasn't unhappy, but having it come from him rather than me helped.
Ok, first of all, is your FI ok with this? If he is, then HE needs to be the one to break the news to his parents.
I think you're getting a little worked up over it without telling us how your FI wants to deal with it. Talk to him! He's the best source of what to do in this situation.
I agree with LaborofLove - What's important is what your FI wants and if he agrees with you, it's his job to tell his parents, not yours!
Oooh that's a tough one. MY FI is Jewish but we opted out of doing any of the traditional Jewish wedding stuff - the only thing I really would have liked to do was the chuppah but that's just because I think they are gorgeous and I really like the sentiment behind them as well. I think it's fair that, since your parents want to be seated during the ceremony, his parents should also be seated during the ceremony. I think you need to tread lightly here to take the emphasis off of the fact that you don't want her clutching him down the aisle, you know? Maybe just say that you and FI have decided that FI will be walking out with the rabbi with groomsmen to follow so that the bridesmaids will be walking the aisle alone before the bride. Phrase it as if it has already been decided, since it essentially has. She shouldn't get all up in arms about it. You're already having a predominately Jewish ceremony. You should get to dictate at least a few aspects of the ceremony, too.
ETA: if you can get your FI to just tell her that's way better than you doing it.
We did something different from the father walking the bride down the aisle. My dad seemed okay with it but the day before he was not a happy camper. I just wanted to warn you that even though your FI may talk to his parents and they may seem okay, don't be surprised if they try to have it their way with the walk leading up to the wedding and even the day of the wedding. If it's truley what you two want, stick to your guns!
just one thing- coming from a jewish perspective, you might not want to rule out yarmulkes completely. i do realize that it might make people who don't understand/don't want to wear them uncomfortable, but if you're having a jewish ceremony and you're having jews there, you have to realize that it might make some people uncomfortable uncomfortable NOT to be covering their heads. it's not like you're forcing everyone to wear one.
my brother married a girl who isn't jewish and he had both my parents walk him down the isle, but she was still able to just have her dad walk her down the isle. they didn't stand up at the front like the traditional jewish ceremony. if you don't want him to be in line in front of you before you go down the isle, maybe he can enter from another part of the building. there's all sorts of different ways you can do it, even if you're not sticking with all of the traditions, while still letting them be happy and comprimising a little.
Thank you ladies- FI already knows how I feel, and he is on board with me with having him walk out with the Rabbi, groomsmen behind him. One of the other reasons we want to do it that way is because FI has almost double the amount of groomsmen than I have BMs, and while I don't mind the uneven numbers at the front or having the girls walk out with two men on each arm (lucky girls! ;)) I disliked the idea of having them walk UP the aisle that way.
I will definitely have FI talk to his mom and let her know that WE have decided that we want it this way. It will definitely go over better coming from him.
@pendola: I am terrified that this will happen. I am worried that my FMIL will somehow have kippah's made and put a basket of them out (I have a bridesmaid already in charge of programs and preceremony setup though so she will also be on the lookout for those!) and then also somehow snatch FI before the ceremony and force him to walk out with her.
I know that I am probably being just a little crazy about my FMIL but she's just been getting so demanding about the whole Jewish stuff and I'm starting to feel a little like MY family and MY part of the whole ceremony is getting lost in all the "Jewish".
@ artbee: I figure if people want to wear them, they will bring them from home. We considered having them be optional at first, but my parents were very uncomfortable with even that idea. My parents are paying for most of the wedding, so I feel they should have some say in how the ceremony is done.
Besides, we were just at a Jewish wedding that was held pool-side at a hotel. They did the "optional" kippah thing, but most people grabbed them anyway because they felt they were being disrespectful to NOT wear them. But the consensus of the group that I was in was that the guys would have been fine wearing them if we were in a synagogue, but they felt uncomfortable putting them on and wearing them in the setting we were in. Plus, people just tossed them aside during the cocktail hour like they were used napkins. That reaction alone made me SO happy that we decided to not have the kippahs.
I am Jewish and my husband is not. He also felt pretty uncomfortable with the Kippahs, so I let that one go. We had more of an interfaith service - but most of the Jewish traditions we had (chuppah, breaking glass).
Coming from his parents perspective (and not sure where your FI weighs in on this) the parents walking down the aisle could be a VERY big deal. For my parents, there was probably nothing more meaningful than walking my brother and I (At our respective weddings) down the aisle and standing up with us during the ceremony. At my wedding, we had a mix of traditions throughout. For example my FI walked in from the side, no parents and my parents escorted me. However, all parents stood up with us (his parents are VERY religious christians). Honestly, it is really lovely being surrounded by your parents. Also, when we exchanged rings, he said the more traditional christian ring line and I said the Jewish one in Hebrew - totally uneven!! but totally us.
I would suggest you have your FI walked up by his parents and you by your brother. who cares if that looks weird to others, it is what you guys want and will reflect YOU. I would at least consider trying to get your parents to stand up with you - I can't imagine them regretting it.
EDIT: I just saw your response so my post might not make sense anymore. Although I will say including more of YOU in the ceremony is important! Our rabbi was well versed in interfaith weddings and really helped us develop a ceremony that was about both of us, and not overwhelmingly Jewish.... happy to share more if your are interested :)
Honestly, I think if the FILs really really want to walk him down the aisle, you should respect that and let them do it but still have just your dad walk you down just like you planned. Getting married is a big deal for both sets of parents and if this is something his mom has dreamed of for a long time, it doesn't seem like there's a very good argument against it. I'm sure you can easily be hidden while they walk down the aisle, so you don't have to worry about him seeing you right before the ceremony...
I know it's not exactly what you want to hear but I think parent's wishes when it comes to this really traditional important stuff should be honored...
@ Miss Root: I have to agree with artbee that your jewish guests might be very uncomfortable without a kippah at a jewish wedding. Do not assume that they will bring it from home. No one does this because they expect them to be provided, (at least I've never seen anyone bring them from home). Honestly I think the best thing to do is to provide the kippahs but put up a sign which words in a polite way that they are there if anyone wants to wear one -> getting the point across that they are completely optional.
Edit to add: I honestly don't know why anyone would be uncomfortable with respecting other cultures and religious. I'm not muslim but when I went to Turkey last year and went to see mosques and certain other sites, i covered my head because that is customary in their culture. It's about tolerance and acceptance. You should set a good example :-)
@Miss Root - Since you are not having kippahs available to your guests at the wedding, you might make a note of that on your wedding website or figure out a way to spread the word so those who DO want to wear one will know to bring one from home.
@Meowkers - I actually disagree a bit. Since this is not really a Jewish place of worship, there is no reason all the guests should have to observe someone else's faith. If I went to a Catholic wedding, I would not participate in any kneeling or things like that....I think it nice that she is being thoughtful of ALL her guests, not just the Jewish ones. With the exception of very religious Jews, most would not at all feel uncomfortable at a wedding without a Kippah. Although I agree NO ONE will bring their own unless they wear them all the time.
THANK YOU JANNA! :) I'm glad someone gets it. And I wanted to remind everyone that I'm posting this in the interfaith board. I'm not Jewish. And it's really important to me that this ceremony is not cookie-cutter Jewish wedding. It's very important to me that it is at least somewhat the wedding ceremony I always envisioned from the time I was little, and some of these little details I feel are the ones that are the easiest to compromise on. In my head, the groom was always standing at the front of the aisle waiting for me, and that's just how I want it.
I'm still not having kippahs. I care not for setting good examples, I care that this wedding is representative of myself and FI. And there's literally nothing of me in it thus far (Janna, I will be hitting you up later for some ideas on what we can do to make the ceremony a little more balanced). Our guests know I'm not Jewish. And FI's cousin married a Catholic girl a few years ago- not a kippah in the crowd and no one said boo about it. This discussion was never about the kippahs anyway, it was about my crazy MIL wanting to clutch the arm of her dear baby boy down the aisle and me trying to find a tactful way to tell her that that's not what we're doing. :) Boy... good thing I didn't mention my desire to serve bacon-wrapped scallops during the cocktail hour... ;)
Lambster's paternal side is Jewish. Both of his parents walked him down the aisle and took their seats. Then my Dad walked me down and took his seat. No fuss, no muss, everyone was happy :)
If your FI doesn't mind walking down with his mother, then let her clutch him all she wants on the walk down because in another 10 minutes he's yours for the rest of your lives!
>>and then also somehow snatch FI before the ceremony and force him to walk out with her.
I know that I am probably being just a little crazy about my FMIL but she's just been getting so demanding about the whole Jewish stuff and I'm starting to feel a little like MY family and MY part of the whole ceremony is getting lost in all the "Jewish".<<
I know what you mean about her forcing her way and having your FI walk with her. During big moments during the reception, MIL would grab DH and take him aside so I would have to wait on him and it was highly annoying. After a few times like that DH realized what she was doing. And for her possibly forcing him to walk down the aisle with her, you'll just have to trust your FI to follow through with what you two decided. I understand how difficult it can be trying not to worry about what stunts your FMIL will try to pull off during your wedding day.
I haven't read all the responses but I think it's important that you talk to your FI and get on the same page and let him know that you feel it's not really feeling like "us" but rather him and his family.
This is tough.
I think that the fact that your family is paying for the majority of the wedding expenses AND are really being accomodating towards incorporating many of his cultural aspects to the wedding, that you should be able to put your foot down on this.
How does your FI feel about this issue? How do you think your FI's parents will respond? I totally understand not wanting them walking up together - I think its weird too. Granted, if I were Jewish, I would probably think this was a wonderful thing. While I'm not Jewish, I am Catholic and am looking forward to having a full Catholic ceremony on the church, so I do understand the importance of incorporating religious traditions in our wedding.
If FI supports you on this, I think that he should sit down with his mother and discuss this. If FI wants to walk up with his parents, then you have a whole different set of troubles.
When in doubt, you may need to do the most difficult thing, being sitting down and talking to his mother about this. One way to approach this would be that since you are incorporating so many of his family's religious traditions for this wedding, you would also like to incorporate some of your own. I also wouldn't give her the option of saying no by "asking" if you "can" do this. Telling her in a gentle way would probably work better.
Just a few thoughts on this one. First, I definitely agree that there needs to be more "you" in this ceremony. Right now it seems almost entirely a Jewish ceremony rather than an interfaith ceremony. However, that being said, I have to say that in honesty I don't understand how FI's parents walking him down the aisle makes the ceremony less "you."
DH and I are both Christian and he walked his parents and his grandparents down the aisle. It meant that I had to wait in another area until my BMs summoned me so he wouldn't see me in advance, but if I had told his parents that he wouldn't be walking them down the aisle, they would have been crushed.
I think you need to consider why you're putting your foot down on this one, because from your posts it seems that it has more to do with your desire to keep your MIL from "clutching" her son than keeping this tradition at bay to make it more of an interfaith ceremony. If your parents don't want to stand up with the two of you at the front of the room, it's simple enough for FI to walk his parents down the aisle and seat them in their places of honor and then join the rabbi at the front. In fact, many of the weddings I've been to have the groom and groomsmen enter with the pastor, stand at the front of the room, and then the groom walks to the back of the room to escort his parents/grandparents down the aisle.
If you do it this way, his parents still get the honor of walking with their son - and this is likely something very important to them. You can still walk with just your father (I see no reason why having your FI escort them means you have to be escorted by both of your parents), the parents will all be seated throughout the ceremony, the groomsmen won't have to walk with the girls down the aisle, and your FI's parents will have their moment with their son. If you do it this way, they'll be honored and it won't really take away from you at all or make the ceremony more "Jewish." In fact, I've only ever been to Christian and non-religious weddings and the groom escorting his parents down the aisle is a huge wedding tradition all around.
I think loveatfirstsightlover had some great ideas. My biggest concern would be how your future in-laws would take it and would this create future grief or problems for you. I am not happy with a lot of things about my wedding, but in the end I realize its a day and I will hopefully be with my FI forever which also means his family so I don't want to alienate or cause friction there. Just some food for thought.
Miss Root, I think you are mistaking some suggestions and ideas for criticism...I don't think anyone was attacking you for not having kippahs, just trying to offer up some very valid reasons for possibly providing them...
I think that the FIL's could walk their son down the aisle but have him stand alone at the front so he would still be there waiting for you when you walk down...
I agree with loveatfirstsightlover that is sounds like this is more of an issue with your FIL's rather than keeping the ceremony interfaith...
"In my head, the groom was always standing at the front of the aisle waiting for me, and that's just how I want it."
You can still have this, even if his parents walk him to the front of the aisle. Can't they just escort him, and then sit down once he's up at the front? At our wedding, my husband walked down the aisle following the Reverend and followed by his groomsmen. Then, from another side of the church, my bridesmaids started walking down the aisle, then there was a slight pause and change of music, and my parents and I started down the aisle. My groom was still standing at the top of the aisle waiting for me, while I walked down.
Walking their son down the aisle might be a HUGE thing for your FI's parents, so I'd just be careful about denying this to them if they feel it is really important, as it could be seen as very disrespectful, and dishonoring their relationship with him. You don't want to set yourself up for a contentious relationship with your in-laws. Then again, maybe they wouldn't care? Does your FI feel that this is important to his parents?
I am Jewish and my FI is not. However, neither of us are very religious. We are having a secular wedding but it's important to us that we include some traditions from both of our religions/cultures. The #1 most important tradition for both me and my family is to have both of my parents walk me down the aisle. My FI had the option to have a traditional Christian entry, or have his mother escort him in the Jewish tradition (his father has passed away). He has chosen to have his mother walk him down the aisle because he thinks it's a neat way to honor her. So we are kind of the opposite of you :)
Anyway, I think posters above have offered you a lot of compromise suggestions that would work out. You have to pick your battles, and if your primary concern is having the parents stand up with you during the ceremony then you can eliminate that part without eliminating the escort down the aisle, and perhaps save yourself from a lot of drama. I've been to a lot of Jewish weddings and I've never seen the parents stay standing with the couple. For most Jewish weddings I've been to, the bride is kept in seclusion during the line-up so that the groom does not see her as he prepares to walk down the aisle. That just leaves the concern about your FMIL clutching him as they walk down the aisle. Is that really such a big concern that it's worth all of the hurt feelings it may cause?
You voiced an underlying problem that you feel there is not enough of you or your traditions in the ceremony. That's definately a problem. I recommend that you think through what traditions are the most meaningful to you and find a way to incorporate them into the wedding too. Eliminating the "Jewish" stuff isn't the only way to make the ceremony more balanced. For example, in our wedding we will be having the whole parents walking us down the aisle which we pulled from Jewish tradition, but we will also have a unity candle which is a more Christian tradition.
But if you are still firm on no parents walking FI down the aisle, then I highly recommend that he delivers the message to his FMIL as to why HE does not want to incorporate this tradition at his wedding - and the rationale can not be because you don't want to include this tradition. If it comes across as his decision and not yours, their only option is to be disappointed in their own son.
Oh Miss Root… reading your post was like reading a transcript of my current situation. My FI and I were discussing exactly the same issue last night, and I feel the same way that you do.
My FI is Jewish and I am not religious, but I was raised Catholic. We are having an interfaith ceremony with a rabbi and a priest (my mom’s ONLY request for the whole wedding). We are having all of the traditional Jewish stuff (chuppah, kippahs, ketubah, breaking glass, rabbi running most of ceremony, no pork), and I have not put up a fight about any of it even though I don’t like any of it. I, like you, feel like this is mostly a Jewish wedding. To be honest, I’m a bit resentful about it because my parents are paying for 95% of the wedding, and I feel like the wedding is more Jewish and related to my FI than to me.
Regarding finding a more equal balance… We are doing a unity candle (you can also do a sand ceremony instead), which is actually not really Catholic but is done more in Catholic ceremonies. We are also doing a “rose ceremony” where the priest or rabbi will say something nice to honor our parents and then FI and I will give each parent a white rose. This is similar to the Catholic version of giving flowers to the blessed mother, and it is not Jewish at all. I would love to figure out some more ways to bring more “me” or balance to the ceremony, but I couldn’t think of anything else besides the procession.
Kippahs… we are having them because my FI really wants them. They will be in a basket, but I was thinking of putting a polite sign in front of the basket saying something like… “Compliments of the bride and groom… reserved for our Jewish Gentlemen Guests”, but that’s still up in the air. Just wanted to let you know, but obviously do what’s right for you.
The walk down the aisle issue… The most recent request by his parents is to have them both walk him down the aisle, and this is very important to them. Unfortunately, I feel the exact same way you do and that I want a traditional Catholic procession where the only person being “given away” is the bride. I feel bad that this is important to them, but I think that I should have the procession be the way I want it since I have been more than accommodating with everything else. I don’t agree with letting him walk with his parents and you walk with only your father and having that satisfy everyone. It can be done, but it does not satisfy the Catholic tradition, and even if you just walk with your dad, the whole procession will still be seen as Jewish if your FI walks with his parents. I don’t fear the clutching mom that you do, but I feel that a man should not be “given away” which is essentially the purpose of his parents walking with him. That’s just the way I think, and I mean no disrespect to anyone that thinks otherwise though.
A compromise that I offered my FI was that he could meet his parents at the top of the aisle after they walked down alone and give them a kiss and greet them or something. I also reminded my FI that we are honoring his parents with roses in that part of the ceremony, so they will be honored in the ceremony without the “giving him away” part. Maybe you could do something similar to honor them in a different way than the walk down the aisle?
What it really comes down to is that you and your FI’s parents have two preferences that conflict with each other, and there is no even compromise to be had. Someone is going to have to be disappointed in the end, and it certainly should not be the bride.
Sorry for the lengthy post! I’m pretty heated
And I definitely agree that you FI should talk to his parents and keep you out of it if possible.
This may sound a little harsh and I appologize but like you said you are having a "Jewish" wedding. Jewish weddings have kippahs as a sign of respect for G-d if you are having a Rabbi perform your ceremony then I would have my guest wear them reguardless if my ceremony is held in a ballroom, beach, or garbage dump it's out of respect! as far as telling your FI YOU dont want his parents walking him down... I really dont think that is your place you made it clear that YOU were having a Jewish wedding and all of these things are very Jewish and would be hurtful to your FI. If your parents dont want to do something then they dont have to but dont put your/their views of what your parents want on his. Sorry for sounding harsh but I just dont agree with you.
@Miss Root - happy to provide any info :) We loved our officiant and put a lot of effort into making the ceremony feel like both of us - while at the same time not offending either side, especially our parents. Luckily our rabbi does a ton of interfaith weddings (sometimes with his wife, a priest!) so he helped us a lot. His whole philosophy was to make sure at the start everyone felt like there was something that represented them in it so no one felt alienated or out of place.
For my FI there were a few things that were important - he wanted to stand on the right side (for some reason Jewish weddings are opposite), he did NOT want to be escorted down the aisle by anyone or even walk down the aisle, and he didn't want the rabbi in robes. Why this mattered to him, I can't say beyond they were all important to making him feel comfortable, but they did and they were all pretty easy things to accomodate :) For me, I wanted our parents up there, mine to escort me, and to have a chuppah. The rest was a mix!
ABC2010- thank you for being able to sum up my feelings in a way that I could not express. It IS about the whole "giving the bride away" thing; I just am really against the man walking down the aisle. It's just not what I want.
FI is planning on talking to them. He agrees with me. :)
I see what some of the other bees are saying regarding yarmulkes. I am Catholic, FI is Jewish. We are having an interfaith ceremony outdoors in a garden, and we are providing kippahs out of respect- for anyone who wishes to wear one. We are also having a chuppah (incidentally being made by my Catholic sister), breaking glass, and signing the ketubah. We are also having some Christian biblical readings, and a unity candle. My Dad will walk me down the aisle (obviously Christian tradition), and FI's parents will walk him, as that is their tradition. We are not having either sets of parents standing up there with us. It's just going to be us up there, together.
You seem to have a lot of pent up aggression towards your FMIL (I've been there, so I can't say I blame you). However, like one of the other bees said, your posts seem to be more about your issues with the FMIL than keeping the kippahs out in an effort to preserve the interfaith nature of the ceremony. And if that's the case, that's OKAY, but just be honest about it. If you feel like you are playing second string at your own wedding, by all means girl, speak up! Talk to your FI and tell him how his mother makes you feel, that you are feeling like an outsider at your own wedding, and that you're feeling suffocated by the predominantly Jewish tone your "interfaith" ceremony is taking. There's nothing wrong with having the feelings you're having, just be truthful about where they're coming from. If you don't put your foot down and establish boundaries with the FMIL now- she will continue to walk all over you years down the line. This isn't about kippahs. This is about telling your FMIL it's time to cut the cord- her son is not a baby anymore.
On the other hand, I just wanted to point out that you're walking a fine line when planning an interfaith ceremony. To the bees who are upset and felt that the OP was showing a lack of respect by banning kippahs, please understand that respect is a two way street. You can't have it being all about respect for the Jewish guests and forget all about the Christians. For example, the Lord's Prayer and rosary beads are elements of traditional Christian ceremonies, but I was told that I may want to rethink them because my Jewish guests might be 'offended.' I thought about that, and I'm going to nix the Lord's Prayer, but I WILL carry my deceased Nana's rosary beads around my bouquet. If anyone doesn't like it, I would be more than happy to "discuss" it with them.
MissRoot, I respectfully think you need to resolve the issues with your FMIL. In order to do that, you need to get your FI on board. He needs to hear you, and he needs to understand where you're coming from. I speak from personal experience, in that I didn't put my foot down and lay down the law with my FIL's (and more specifically FMIL) until a year and a half after I was dating their son. It wasn't pretty, but I think they have a better understanding of where I'm coming from now. They stopped disrespecting me and passive-aggressive "bullying" me when I stopped allowing them. My FI was by my side (physically and emotionally) during the entire convo, and his parents got the message LOUD and CLEAR. They finally get that FI and are a team now. I told them that anyone who can't be happy for us, and respect OUR wishes will be left behind.
A wonderful book that might help you get the "interfaith" back into your ceremony is a book called "Celebrating Interfaith Marriages- Creating Your Jewish/Christian Ceremony" by Rabbi Devon A. Lerner. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It has been an invaluable resource for me to plan a ceremony that is respectful to BOTH sides. I got it on Amazon for like 12 bucks.
MissRoot, I hope you read my post with the honesty and respect in which I intended. If you need any other help, message me.
Oh goodness, I do not have "pent up agression" towards my FMIL. I really don't. She just gets very pushy and insistant about some things that are her decisions to make. She acts like she's the one getting married sometimes and sometimes seems to forget that there is another family involved that isn't Jewish. And yeah, sometimes she annoys the crap out of me. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say "Oh, FMIL is just SO wonderful ALL the time!!!" because sometimes she is very irritating. Go find the hundred other posts on WB that have to do with MIL and you will find that those who are BFF with their MIL are in the minority. I deal with her by smiling at her ridiculous suggestions and say "How nice." And then we do what we already decided on.
Was I annoyed that people were harping on my decision to nix the kippahs? Yeah, a little. Because the OP was not, and never was, about the kippahs. It was about the ceremony processional. And FI always did, and still does, stand by me 100% with my decision. I wanted to get some thoughts about it, and so yes, I did ask for opinions. Not about kippahs, but about the groom walking down the aisle. I think ABC2010 probably understood the best about where I'm coming from. I wanted that moment to be about the bridal processional, and I wanted that one part of the whole ceremony to be how I wanted it, since the rest is how FI's parents want it.
My family isn't religious, so the part of compromising and interjecting other religions or cultures isn't really an option. So yes, I have felt like the Jewish-ness of the ceremony was starting to be a bit much and was overkill. If it means I tone it down a little to make my non Jewish guests feel more comfortable, and make MY PARENTS, who are PAYING FOR ALMOST THE ENTIRE WEDDING, happy, then I will do it. 'Nuff said about the kippahs.
Anyway, to update the sitch, FI took his mommy out to lunch and told her how the ceremony was going to work. I didn't hear much about the conversation but I'm sure she will get over it. At the end of the day, the wedding ceremony's focus is on me and FI, where it belongs. I thank all of you who shared your input and similar stories with me, especially the brides who could relate specifically with me and the struggles that I have had to find more "me" in this whole ceremony nonsense :)
I know it's difficult to tell someone's tone in writing, so I’m going to just assume that you aren’t as angry as you’ve been coming across. You say that you have no pent up aggression towards your FMIL, but all of your comments indicate otherwise.
I actually was trying to be helpful and to see your point of view, as a fellow bride who IS in your situation. I stuck up for you with the kippahs, the respect issue, and offered you a book that I thought would be able to help you. I personally have been there and can relate specifically to the struggles you are having in planning a ceremony that is representative of BOTH the bride and groom. I also can relate to having a pushy MIL. No one is saying you have to be BFF with her and no one is saying you have to sugar coat anything. But she IS your FI's mother, she is always going to be, and you are always going to have to deal with her. She's not going to stop being his mother, and a Jewish mother at that. You said yourself that your family isn’t religious and that compromising by interjecting religious elements to represent your side isn’t an option. I’m sorry but you can’t really blame his family/FMIL because you don’t have any religious elements to bring to the table. It’s not their fault that your family isn’t religious. They shouldn’t have to be less Jewish because you’re not religious. I guess I’m just confused as to why you would allow yourself to be married by a Rabbi, and have all of the other elements of a Jewish wedding ceremony if you seem to dislike it so much/have such reservations about it. Why not just have a non-denominational minister perform the ceremony?
What some people fail to realize is that Judaism is not JUST a religion- it's an entire culture. Like it or not, even in this day and age, with the increased numbers of Jewish people marrying outside their faith, there are some parents and grandparents who view that as being one step closer to the dissolution of a people. I know that my FMIL secretly wishes that I would convert to Judaism, and while I've made it clear that's never going to happen, I still have respect for her and her culture even though it is different than how I was raised. I celebrate their holidays and traditions (as well as my own) out of respect for my FI and his family. Once FMIL saw that I had respect for her culture, she stopped clinging to Judaism like a security blanket and stopped using it as a weapon against me; and she doesn't view me so much as a "threat" to her anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that you can respect someone else’s traditions without having to give up your own.
I posted when this first came up but figured I'd update my situation - now I gues my FI wants to walk down with both his parents. Go figure. I don't really care that much, although now I don't know what to do with my mom since I'm walking with my father. I kind of feel like I'm leaving her all alone!
Basically I totally get where you're coming from here. It's annoying when you feel like one side is getting far more representation and say in the ceremony by adding all the Jewish elements you are incorporating. That's exactly why I said from the get-go that we were doing a non-denominational ceremony. I didn't want to get stuck doing all this stuff that holds no meaning for me. I'm still fighting with FI because he wants me to go up in that f**king chair and OVER MY DEAD BODY is that happening.
I'm glad to hear that the discussion about the processional went okay! I don't think your request was unreasonable - people have to compromise when it comes to a wedding, and even more so in an interfaith wedding, and it sounds like your parents and you have chosen your priorities carefully. IMO, it's just fair that everyone gets their way on a very few things, and if your FILs have used theirs up on stuff they don't care as much about, that's their problem. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you know from the get-go that you won't get everything the way you want or are used to, you have to pick your battles.
One other thing you might not have thought of: the last interfaith (Jewish/Hindu) wedding I went to, most of the traditions from both sides were represented. It was beautiful, but so so so long. So long. Two hours long. I think it's awesome to be inclusive, but keep the timing in mind, esp for those who have to stand up the whole time (I almost passed out!).
I totally understand where you are coming from since your parents are paying for the wedding and you don't want everything to be completely Jewish, but I think you should watch what you say a bit since your last comment about going up in the chair will most likely offend many of the Jewish brides as that is a major component to their traditional celebration.
I'm Catholic and not Jewish, and while I totally understand not completely turning an inter-faith ceremony into one thing or the other, I would be offended if you made a comment like that about a specific Catholic part of a wedding.
Anyway, good luck! I really hope that you and your FI are able to come to an agreement about what to do walking down the aisle. Is the chair really such a big deal? I mean, I understand your point about walking down the aisle, but the chair portion is during the reception when everyone is dancing/ celebrating/ etc. It isn't as if that will leave your mom out, etc.
Can you just have him and the rabbi enter from the side?
I have totally different reason...but I also didn't want my FI to walk with his parents
My parents are divorced and it's really messy. My dad walked me but my mom was really bitter that she wasn't walking me instead. I felt like it would really stir up all that stuff my my FI was allowed to walk down there with both his parents. My mom would freak His siter walked with his folks so they kinda wanted to walk him...but when I exlailed, they understood.There was so muich I skipped because of these issues. Father daughter dance, for example.
So even though our reasons are different...we have the same issue (kinda of)
What I did was I went the more old fashion route where my FI, the Best Man and the officiant all entered from a door that was in the front. They came in and stood there........then the seating of the parents happened...the wedding party...and then me
Just a thought
I just re-read your post and it sounds like you were already kinda thinking about doing it that way
I think it's a good idea. It worked out well for us.
Do you have bridesmaids? If so...then don't have all the men follow your FI. Have him walk out with the rabbi and then have the wedding party walk down in pairs. Any way you do it will be fine...that was just my idea :-)
@ Monkeygirl- I think I'm probably just a bit more sarcastic than anything else. FMIL really does drive me bananas at times. :) I am well aware of the cultural aspects of Judaism. The reason we are getting married by the rabbi is because FMIL and FFIL are forcing us to. I think they would rather die than have us not get married by a rabbi on a Sunday. FI and I wanted to have a friend officiate but that idea was quickly squashed.
@ kittyachi: you don't want to get lifted up on a chair in front of your whole wedding? I can't imagine why not ;) We're doing that but I'm kind of excited- I was just told to make sure the chair has arms so that I have something to hang on to! As far as your mom goes- do you have a sibling that can walk her down the aisle? My mom insisted that my brother walk her down the aisle even though he's not even a groomsman. You should ask her who she would like to have escort her.
@Mrs. Louboutin - There's no reason that comment should offend anyone, especially on an Interfaith board where the topic is basically about how to include some Jewish traditions without having a predominately Jewish wedding. I don't want to go up and get bounced around in a chair held up by a bunch of post-cocktail hour weaklings in an expensive, bustled dress for a number of PERSONAL reasons - I'm afraid of heights and I wouldn't enjoy it, I am not Jewish and the tradition holds zero significance to me, I could go on... So, yeah, for me it's a total nightmare; for other people, it's an important tradition that they are excited about.
@Louboutin: I don't think her comment was meant to be offensive at all. And as Kittyachi says, this IS the "Interfaith" board. And she didn't say anything about the chair part being stupid, she says she's scared which is something I have heard from tons of brides who are having Jewish or Interfaith weddings.
@kittyachi: what about if you did the other parts of the hora where you don't have to go up in the chair? People could still dance around you guys in a circle, and if you want to do the part with the skits or whatever (we aren't doing that so I'm not sure about the details) then you guys could just sit on chairs in the center. Although that might tempt people to then lift you up so maybe leave the chairs out of it! :)
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