Post # 1
New to wedddingbee and have nowhere else to turn…
I had a long engagement (almost 2 years) and now am planning a wedding in 3 months [just decided the time was finally right :)]. So when I first got engaged I told my girlfriends from college that I wanted them to be my bridesmaids. Then as the wedding drew closer, I decided I wanted only my sisters and my best friend from childhood standing by my side. A few months ago I went out with my girls from college and they asked me about being bridesmaids….I said yes because I didn’t want to heart anyone’s feelings. Now I am unhappy with my decision for the following reasons – 1. I do not speak with these girls as much as I did when I first got engaged two years ago. 2. None of them have called me within the last 2 months. 3. When they did call, it was only to ask me about a date for the hen party (which my sisters who are both MOH could not attend) so I politely declined that date and suggested they speak to my sisters to come up with an alternative. 4. My best friend from childhood will be on my fi’s side, but I really wanted him on mine. I don’t feel like I am getting any support from them (they all live far away so I am only looking for mental support). No dresses have been purchased yet. How can I politely tell them that I have changed my mind while avoiding confrontation??? Is this even OK or is it too late?! any advise would be great I am loosing sleep over this!
Post # 3
Well I’m a bit unclear as to how entrenched this all is. In general I think if you ask someone to be a BM, you can’t just unask them, unless they really have made some big mistakes.
On the one hand, you asked them probably earlier than you should have. That one is on you. Then when they asked a few months ago (totally OK in my book, since you asked them in the first place) you again, said yes. This to me says you should suck it up and have them. Sure they haven’t exactly been on top of communicating about the wedding. But everyone has lives. They might be waiting for you to let them know what’s next. They did ask about your hen party. I don’t think that’s wrong. They seem to be taking that on as a BM responsibility. (And if they are from OOT, that’s an even bigger effort.) Also, the friend being on your FI’s side, isn’t really about them.
On the other hand, you don’t have their dresses etc., yet. So at least that is not part of the mess, yet. Do you have an idea how they’d take it if you told them the truth? You could say you are trying to plan this in a few short months, and therefore, trying to simplify things as much as possible. If they are laid back, maybe it would be OK. But if you felt they were laid back, maybe you wouldn’t be posting the thread.
Ultimately, if their friendship is important to you, I think you should just keep them. Particularly since you confirmed them being in your BP, twice. You aren’t the first bride to regret her BM choices. But sometimes it’s better to live with those choices.
Post # 4
Thank you for your input. The other reason that I’m having second thought is that our wedding has become rather small (about 60 people) and I think that 6 MB may be too many. Also, my FI thought he was having 4 GM but only 2 can make it (semi-destination wedding). Would it be impolite to only have my 2 MOH standing during the ceremony and the other 4 sitting?
Post # 5
Hmm. That could be an idea. The only time I’ve heard something like that ,is when the venue is too small to accomodate the whole BP standing at once. Could your FI make both of his Gms, “best men”? Then you could say, that only honor attendants will stand during the ceremony.
The rule of thumb is about 1 attendant (I believe that’s to mean one bridesmaid and one groomsman) for about every 50 guests. But that is just a guide. You can do what you want. I do agree that for 60 guests, having a BP that large seems a bit lopsided. BUt it’s not a huge deal.
Well if your wedding planning has completely changed, I could see just having an honest discussion with the other girls. I might explain to them that your plans are different and you’re having a much smaller wedding than originally planned. Since you’re trying to get this planned in such a short period, you could emphasize that you just don’t have the time to coordinate everything with a large BP.
But if this is going to really ruffle feathers. I would just keep them, have them sit during the ceremony, and have them pair off with themselves for the processional/recessional. So something like:
Post # 6
I would have to say that I don’t think you can “un-ask” them at this point. I made a similar mistake when I first got engaged. Not with my bridal party but with my guests. I told everyone they were invited. Two years later I started to kick myself but luckily it worked out for me because we’re doing a destination wedding and many people are unable to attend.
Where you already told them you wanted them to be in the wedding and then confirmed it again, I would say they have to be in the wedding. If you do choose to “un-ask” them then I would say to be prepared that you may ruin and end those friendships. If that doesn’t bother you much then do what you feel will make you most happy on your day. Good Luck