Post # 1
I am getting married in 2 months and lately I have been really wanting to contact my ex. Let me be clear- I DO NOT want anything to happen with my ex and I DEFINITELY DO want to marry my FI. Let me give some quick background…
My ex and I met in college and were together for 6 years. As soon as I met him I knew he was the one and it was basically assumed by everyone that we would get married eventually. Well he joined the military and through different trainings and deployments, we grew apart. It was devastating for me when we eventually broke up and we had a really hard time letting go. When he was in town, we would still meet up, but nothing physical ever happened- we just really missed each other. During his last deployment, I met my FI. My FI and I have been together now for 4 years and I KNOW he is the one for me. I am very secure in my relationship with FI and have no desire to leave. We also have a baby together. My ex is aware of my relationship as well.
I haven’t spoken to my ex in 3 years. He lives overseas and I just have no reason to talk to him. Now that my wedding is coming up, I am feeling this desire to talk to him, and find some sort of closure. I realize that sounds cliché- but we never really said goodbye. The last time we saw each other- as friends- it was assumed we would speak again or see each other and we haven’t. We are Facebook friends, so he knows I had a baby and am engaged. I am a little hurt that he hasn’t reached out to offer congratulations or something like that. I mean, we were each other’s first big, serious love. I thought that would mean something to him- it certainly does to me.
I don’t know what I want to get out of the conversation….I kind of miss him, as a person in my life, not as a significant other. Am I being ridiculous, or is needing closure a real thing? Does anyone have experience with something like this? Advice?
Post # 2
Quite honestly (and this is just me) but I don’t believe in finding closure. This isn’t a romantic movie. A breakup is the goodbye. A breakup is the closure. I could understand if god forbid he passed away, and you didn’t ever breakup, etc. That scenario will probably leave you with all sorts of feelings of non-closure.
To me, it sounds like you haven’t moved on from the relationship. I understand it was your first love, but that’s all it was, and now it’s time to build your life with the man you want to spend your life with.
Does your FI know about these feelings your having? Do you talk to him about this? How would you feel if he was doing this with his ex?
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, I’m not trying to belitte your emotions, or negate what you’re feeling, but I think you really need some tough love here.
Post # 3
I don’t understand….he’s not dying. You can talk to him any time. Why do you need to “say goodbye”? Why not just…..talk to him when/if you see him again, even if you are married?
Post # 4
You haven’t spoken to him in 3 years and, in that time, had a baby and got engaged. What is there to close? You both walked away and you both have new lives. The closure ship sailed a long time ago.
Post # 5
I agree with the above poster. You’re looking for trouble, not closure. Closure is from the movies.
You want his approval….and thats very inappropriate.
Post # 6
Yea, I also don’t understand your need for closure. Meeting someone else and moving on is your closure, it’s better than closure, it’s a new and better path forward. For me, I can definitely tell you that I have no need to ever see or speak to an ex again. If I accidentally crossed paths with one, I would probably only want to punch him in the face for not giving me true love like my FI and for allowing me to disrespect myself by settling for less than I deserve, even if only for a short period of time.
Post # 7
Closure happens when you break up. You’re engaged.. Stop looking for trouble. What exactly do you need from your ex to move forward with marrying your FI?…. His approval?
Post # 8
“The last time we saw each other- as friends- it was assumed we would speak again or see each other and we haven’t”<br /><br />
I agree with you, the people I’ve had serious relationships with will always mean something to me. Now that I’m married – it means we shared a special relationship in the past, but I still care about previous boyfriends.
But, there is nothing to stop you from speaking again after you are married! Why don’t you just email sometime after the wedding or next time he is in town and have lunch with him with your new husband? You don’t need to cut off communication with your ex’es because you are getting married (as long as you are open about it with your new husband).
Post # 10
searock: This. You said yourself in your post that you had no reason to contact him. Like searock said, it’s not appropriate.
Post # 11
ALittleMouse: Only you two understand your relationship and only you can deem it necessary for a “goodbye” although it would be weird to have this talk with him and then remain FB friends where you can communicate on the regular.
I get where you are coming from. I really do. i debated doing it once (to someone who was getting married) i wanted to apologize for the way things went down between us and that i wished him a lifetime of happiness – but honestly in the end, what good would it do? We had both obviously moved on and i griping it all up again is unecessary.
I think it may also give him the wrong impression if you reach out to him – that maybe you are geting cold feet or having 2nd thoughts or are just not 100% happy in your relationship (even if you swear to the stars you are happy). Also, would your FI feel OK about this?
Post # 12
Thanks ladies. I really think I need some tough love on this issue. I don’t think I am looking for his approval. I know logically it’s a bad idea, but I just feel sad when I think about not speaking to him again. My FI is friends with his ex- I am “friendly” with her- so maybe it’s just jealousy that he still has that person in his life and I don’t? I really don’t know where this is coming from. I mean, I even had a dream last night that he showed up at my wedding and tried to stop it! In my dream I told him no and still got married, but why am I all of a sudden thinking of him? Maybe I am hurt that he hasn’t tried to talk to me since all of these big things have happened in my life?
I probably won’t end up contacting him. I probably won’t ever see him again because he doesn’t even live in this country anymore. I know it’s a bad idea, but why do I feel this way? I’m happy with FI and my new life, and I know it’s a better life and future than if I was with my ex…so just get over it?
Post # 13
I don’t think you are fully over your ex. If you were you wouldn’t feel this way. It’s natural to look back an appreciate someone who was in your life so long but you are broken up for a reason. There isint anything that says you can’t remaim cordial, wish each other a happy birthday, like a Facebook picture of him on occasion etc. but you shouldn’t suddenly feel the need to sit down and contact him. I don’t understand need “closure” after such a long period of time. You only really need closure when there are still feelings behind it, to help you move on which you claim to have already done. Are you having cold feet about your wedding or wondering what if?
Post # 14
WOW we are like … an EX twin LOL. nearly EXACTLY the same situation. first love, six year, military, oversea, never said good bye (which actually really mattered to me for a while), dreamed of him comming to me again, now enagaged with FI.
i literally wrote him an e-mail in tears, but deleted it when finished writing.
i TOTALLY understand you !!!!!
but girl… look forward, don’t look back. your EX probably wont even expect any word from you, and is doing very fine, enjoying his own life oversea. i hope you get this point here lol
i respect military people with my utmost respect, a million times more to their spouses.
Post # 15
searock: advice wizard right there!