(Closed) Need Guidance on the Direction I'm Headed

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PomGiLovinNurse:  If you’re intent on being a part time stay at home mom, that puts a lot of pressure on him to provide… not only provide, make up for your lost full time income.  In his current position, can he reasonably provide for your family, including the inordinate cost of raising a child, on his own?  If he can, is he in a position that he likes?  Is this a career he wants to be in for the long haul?  Is his career volatile, is there a chance he would get laid off?  Would he be satisfied and happy?

Being a Stay-At-Home Mom is a dream for a lot of women.  But it’s a luxury a lot of people can’t afford.  I think you need to be realistic about this.  Don’t pressure him, don’t make him feel like he has to carry the weight of your family’s finances on his own.  More importantly, don’t pressure him if he’s not ready for this.

You guys are really young and there is plenty of time.  Enjoy being married, just the two of you, because a baby changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.  And if he needs time to warm up to the idea, or to get himself more grounded financially, you have an obligation to support him.

ETA, because I went back and re-read your post and had to add… this isn’t all about you, your wants, where you are in your career, your timeline, your desires.  You two are a team and you both need to be on board.  Just like he waited for YOU to come around, get settled, achieve your goals FIRST, you need to reciprocate now.


Post # 5
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@PomGiLovinNurse:  “ You are being harsh and judgmental.”

No she wasn’t.  She was being helpful and giving advice.

I did not ask to be attacked and seen as someone who lives off her husband”

She didn’t do that either.

If you’re looking for advice, i’m afraid you won’t get a lot here. Not with the way you jumped all over the first person to reply. 

Post # 6
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PomGiLovinNurse:  Wow!  I didn’t judge or attack you at all!  I didn’t even remotely suggest you don’t pull your weight, I’m really unsure where you got that from?  I think you’re being very sensitive because I didn’t immediately take your side or validate your feelings.  While this is a place for support, that doesn’t always mean you will be told your right, he’s wrong.  Sometimes we need to hear a different perspective outside of our own.  We all have the capacity to convince ourselves that we’re right, I’m guilty of it.  But in order to work out kinks in your relationship, you need to understand his feelings and acknowledge his concerns.

So moving on… you say money isn’t an issue, that he’s encouraged you being a Stay-At-Home Mom, whether part time or full time.  But in your original post, you mentioned he wanted to wait until you all “have more money.”  I understand your side… you’re pulling your weight financially, paying off debts, saving, etc.  That’s great.  But, losing $23k – it’s nearly 25% of your household income… and that is quite a bit of money.  So I understand his concerns as well.  So talk to him about it, find out what’s “enough money” in his mind.  Determine if you both can reasonably acheive that over a set period of time.

You’re very proud of your accomplishments, and rightfully so.  However, you aren’t too satisfied in your current field.  Use this time to explore new opportunities, get yourself situated in the field(s) you are interested in.  Don’t stay in a job you hate to ride it out until you have a baby.  Because it will be that much harder to seek new opportunities after a child.  It seems to make the most sense to get established in a career you love now rather than work backwards.

Ultimately, I stand by what I said in my first post… when he was excited, he gave you time to warm up to the idea and acheive your goals.  Now that the roles are reversed, you have to reciprocate.  You have to give him time to get on board.  You’re right, it’s totally conceivable that this suddenly became a real possibility, and he’s a little freaked out.  First of all, you guys are 25, newly married, etc.  And babies are a big deal – they turn your world upside down, they change the dynamic of your relationship, etc.  He might need some time to grow up or enjoy married life or feel financially secure before brining a bundle of stress joy into the mix!  So talk about it, get both your concerns and feelings on the table, and agree to a timeline that suits both of you.

Post # 7
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

People are allowed to change their mind.  You set standards for yourself and he is doing the same.  At your age, 2 years is not going to make that much of a difference.

Post # 8
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@PomGiLovinNurse:  if I’m reading correctly, you hate your job and you want to quit and have kids and work on a per diem basis and your husband isn’t ready for this.

He might not be ready for the pressure of being the sole provider for a family.  It sounds like you live in a low cost of living area so maybe that $50k salary goes far, but it sounds like he’s probably more concerned with his snomobile and his hobbies for his salary than he is dedicating it to a family – a family of 6, no less.  Even if he was the one to suggest babies right away, he might be changing his mind now that it’s becoming a possibility.

I hope you can find a way to cope in your job, and in the meantime work on a future plan for you and your family.  Honestly, if he’s hearing that you hate your job, he might not believe that you’ll want to go back to work at all after having kids and that might freak him out.  If you can plan it out in black and white and break down a budget with a worst-case scenario for per diem earnings, then maybe he’ll feel more comfortable with the financials. 


Post # 12
46240 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Check out the qualifications for benefits. Not many Per Diem nurses get benefits, much less the full benefits you should have if you plan to have children. Part time positions may also have their benefits pro- rated.

I agree he got your hopes up about having children soon, but he is entitled to change his mind. Both of you need to agree that it is the right time before you start trying to conceive. This really needs to be a joint decision.

I am hesitant to offer any other opinions lest you also jump down my throat.

Post # 13
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@JemmaWRX:  I understand what you meant, but I do also understand why she’s feeling defensive.  He is the one who seems to have been pressuring her to have kids for months, she then decides she’s ready, gets her hopes up and he says no. 

I know that in your post your were just giving advice, but I think she’s upset because he is the one who pushed and pushed when she wasn’t ready, until she WAS and then suddenly he wasn’t.

While they are young, and have plenty of time, he has been pushing since August for her to say let’s do this, and then changed his mind.  I don’t think she’s pressuring anything when he’s the one who started it all.  I think that’s why she’s feeling attacked, because she’s reading your comment as “whoa slow down, let him get ready” when he’s the one who has been pressuring her for 6 months.

I know you didn’t mean it that way at all, but I’m just trying to see it from her perspective as to why she felt that way.

OP – you are still going to have to wait until you’re both ready at the same time, but I do think it’s valid that you’re confused and upset.

Post # 14
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@PomGiLovinNurse:  I would be unhappy, too!

You had a baby timeframe. You had a life plan where you stayed home with the kids and he was the primary breadwinner.

Now he wants to push kids WAY back! He’s delaying his end of the deal. I would be pissed if my Fiance did that!

Post # 15
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lia22:  Fair enough, you’re right.  I can totally see how that’s hurtful and frustrating.  I imagine now that it’s a real possibility, he’s scared.  And that’s also understandable.  You know how brides sometimes get cold feet during their engagement because now it’s “real” with the weight of “forever”?  We always tell her “eh, that’s normal, don’t sweat it!”  So I’m inclined to be sympathetic to him as well.


@PomGiLovinNurse:  OP – I really didn’t mean, nor do I think I implied that you don’t support your husband. You aren’t understanding what I said. “Don’t pressure him to carry the weight…” doesn’t mean you’re a jerk and have never supported him… or that he’s your sugardaddy, living off his money!  I meant that it’s scary for one spouse to be the sole or primary provider for a household, especially when kids are involved and ESPECIALLY in this economy. Let’s face it, it’s volatile out there! So please, don’t misconstrue what I said into suggesting your a total asshat. I don’t believe that. (Also, keep in mind, we can only go by what was originally said…. clearly you provided some more information with regard to that in your second post/response.  Just something to consider!)

Post # 16
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Okay. These are my personal opinions!

I think it totally sucks that he was onboard until you were ready and then got freaked out when you were ready and it was really a possibility. You got your hopes us and all excited and then got disappointed. That sucks.

That being said, I’m not sure what other option there is other than to give him some time to come back around. I don’t think you’re suggesting that you would get pregnant on the sly so I don’t really see any other option than waiting.

The real option you have is your reaction to this. You can be super pissed and try to make him feel bad for holding you back from getting your dream now that you’re ready. Or you can be supportive and have some frank discussions with him about goals that you would both like to achieve before and after kids.

I think you absolutely have the right to insist on having kids and even being a part time SATM, if your finances allow. However, I think your husband has the right to feel comfortable financially before taking this big step. See if you can come to a compromise. I think if you have something you gus are working towards it may be easier. 

*** As a note, I didn’t read anything about retirement savings in your posts, could this be what your husband is concerned about?

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