Post # 1
I need help to undo some problems my future mother-in-law has created for our wedding! First off I want to say that she has had little to nothing to do with the wedding planning. She is not even interested enough to ask us questions about the event. She declined all of my offers to come dress shopping for my wedding and has never seen my dress. She has refused my offers to go dress shopping for her dress. And most recently she declined my offer to get her hair and makeup done the morning of the wedding which is meant to be a brunch-like celebration that every female involved in the wedding is attending. All of this I have brushed off as her being uncomfortable doing as she calls it “girly things.” But things got really bad about a month ago..
Last month my fiancés mother called us to question us about a “backup plan” in case extra people show up to our wedding. We have a small budget and we are paying for this wedding on our own with a little help from my parents and nothing from his parents. There is no budget for extra people, but as it turns out she has invited many cousins we were forced to leave off the list for financial reasons. She cannot give us the money to pay for these extra people and has refused to explain her mistake to them. I am not left with the duty of uninviting members of my fiancé’s family and I was hoping to get some advice on the best way to do this?
Also, our ceremony and reception are child-free. This includes the 3 nephews we have between the two of us. I know not everyone would agree with this choice but this is our wish for our wedding day. Still his mother insists to everyone behind our backs that she is bringing his two nephews. The biggest reason we chose a child-free wedding was because the oldest of my fiancé’s two nephews at every family event has shown some very bad behaviors. On numerous occasions he has hit my fiancé between his legs only to have the rest of the family laugh about it. The last thing I want to worry about on my wedding day is my mother-in-law deliberately going against my wish. What should I do?
Post # 3
IMO, you should do nothing.
Your fiance should approach his family about this. He needs to let her know what she can and cannot do, and let her know what you can and cannot afford.
IMO, if he can’t stand up to his mother on this, how will he do it in the future when it comes to holidays or grandchildren and your feelings on those things?
Post # 4
@MissCoCoMonroe: This is something your Fiance needs to handle.
It sounds like she does not respect your wishes and will not listen to you.
Your Fiance needs to sit his mom down and talk to her about all of this. He should also speak to his siblings (the parent’s of the nephews) and make sure they understand this is a child free affaire.
As for the extra guests, your Fiance should tell his mom (if it comes to this) that you will have security at the door checking names against the invite list, and if people aren’t on the list, they will be turned away. So she needs to let them know now about her mistake in inviting them or be very embarrassed on the day of the wedding.
Post # 5
I think that there are two separate issues here:
(1) In regard to her not wanting to attend “girly things” is she a more masculine woman in general? My mother HATES makeup, hair, shopping, etc. She gets flustered by wedding things and has no idea what to do. My mom loves me to death, but she is not a girly girl nor is she a wedding person so she is not involved. However, she really supports me in other areas of my life. Is Future Mother-In-Law genuinely disinterested in everything you do, or is it just that she doesn’t want to participate in the more feminine wedding planning activities? If it is the latter, it may not be a personal snub at all. It may be that she is just not comfortable shopping and getting primped.
(2) With regard to the extra guests, you have a budget and you have to stick to it. Have your Fiance explain this to her. Stick to your guns
Post # 6
I think it is your Fiance responsibility to tell his mother that what he is doing is wrong and uncalled for, and that if she wishes to invite extra people, she must pay for tham. Additionally, I would say that if the children show up they will be refused entrance. Honeslty, I just wouldn’t tolerate this behavior at all. People really need to get over themselves, FMIL’s included!
Post # 7
@jackndiane: I hope her disinterest isn’t personal. The point I was trying to make is that she doesn’t know anything about the wedding but she chooses to speak to his family on our behalf.
As soon as she informed us of the need for a backup plan I had my Fiance explain that there were to be no extra guest. Her response to him was to have “our people” show them away at the door. While that is an option I would hate to have to do that to family, especially since many are driving from out of state, just because of his mothers stubborness. She doesn’t seem to take my Fiance serious so I thought maybe if I tried something proactive she would feel differently.
Post # 8
I’m with the others that you need to ask your Fiance to step up and stop this right now. He also needs to be the one willing to make the phone calls to his family if she refuses. It’s awkward, but it is his family. If you end up doing it, you will likely be made out to be the evil new wife.
I agree that your Fiance also needs to be the one to talk to his siblings about the childfree rule. I suggest he say flat out that he knows his mother is going behind your backs to not only bring children along, but invite far more people than your guest list and budget allow. His siblings may then come on board to support him in standing up to his mother.
Post # 9
I agree ask your Fi to deal with her. Also make it clear that you cannot and will not accommodate uninvited guest, or you can tell her you will recommend a nearby restaurant and let them come later for the dancing
Post # 10
I think you and your fiance need to address this together: make it clear that it is YOUR wedding and YOUR choices and YOUR money. She has NO right to invite people behind your backs especially if she has not shown any type of support (financial, emotional, etc) otherwise.
If she doesn’t understand that, she will just have to deal with it like a mature adult. She needs to explain the uninvited guests, not you guys. And if they show up at the wedding, I’m sorry, but have security explain that they were not on the guest list. It might sound extreme, but then again so is your Future Mother-In-Law going behind your backs!
This is so inappropriate. Honestly, I would probably be so hurt and offended that I wouldn’t even WANT her at my wedding. And it takes a lot to offend me and leave someone out of a special event like that.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I agree with other bees that Fiance needs to handle this- since it’s his mom/family, he has to take care of it. Future Mother-In-Law needs to contact those cousins, etc., and say “I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”
I assume that invites haven’t gone out yet- I can’t imagine someone showing up who didn’t receive an invite. If you tell the caterer you’re having 50 people, and 60 show up, you’re going to have big problems, in regards to seating and food.
Post # 12
I would also hope that most people would “get the hint” when they don’t get an invitation in the mail. I would hope they would not show up to an event they haven’t been invited to except by word of mouth by the Mother-In-Law.
Your Fiance needs to stand up to his mom and lay down the law. I would also tell her that if she is not able to respect your wishes that she will be negatively impacting your relationship with her.
If that fails, your Fiance will have to call up the cousins and tell them that the Mother-In-Law unfortunately spoke out of turn, and that you would love to celebrate with them some other time, but unfortunately, you can’t invite them to the wedding.
You may also want to start limiting the information that you give to her. If she doesn’t know the details she can’t give them out.
Post # 13
I agree with the others, it’s your FI’s responsibility to talk with her. Hopefully, if they don’t get an invite, they will at least call your Future Mother-In-Law and find out what is going on. Then she can explain to them that you are having more of an ‘intimate’ affair then she originally thought. That may save face for her a little, and make it a little less uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t have to do it at all.
I would also have your Fiance talk with his sibling(s) about not having his nephews. I personally don’t agree with not having them there, but maybe he can explain to them why, and something can be worked out so his siblings(s) are hurt or offended.
Post # 14
Well my Fiance talked to his sister to make sure it was clear that her children will not be in attendance. She in turn called his mother and as of this morning he has been receiving mean and insulting text messages from his mother. It is her feeling that whatever she wants we do the opposite. This is not the case; we are only doing what we want. Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. The one thing I was hoping to gain from this post was how to handle this situation with dignity and class. I appreciate all of your help. I am working on designing the RSVPs as to clearly indicate who the invite is intended for.
Post # 15
Honestly I wouldn’t trust the Mom to tell the guests. I’d have Fiance call them and explain due to venue/budget constraints you have to keep the guest list small and is sorry for any confusion that his Mom extending an invitation caused. Yes it will suck, but it will suck a lot less than leaving up to his Mom to do. She will either a) not do it and you will have to turn people away ( I am cringing just thinking of this or b) uninvite them but do it in a way that reflects poorly on you guys. After that I’d have him sit down with his Mom and explain that unless she starts ponying up some $$$ she has no say in how your wedding is going to do and needs to stop.
Post # 16
@MissCoCoMonroe: Your Fiance needs to call those cousins ASAP. If you leave it to your mother in law, she will make sure you two will look bad.
Please by all means figure out what cousins she called, (maybe talk sweetly to her and con them out of her by sayig you want their addresses) and call them and tell them your Mother-In-Law was mistaken and the guest list has been decided because of a very small budget. Place all blame on HER.