Post # 1
I just wrote this long post about this whole situation then it earased it so this is going to be a short version.
Basically my sister who is my Maid/Matron of Honor recently told me if I don’t invite her bf she will not only not be in the wedding but won’t attend and my wedding is NEXT WEEK!!!!
Long story short, her bf has been on an off for about a year. I HATE HIM!!!! and so does my family(not allowed at family functions or at my parents house). He is extremely verbally abusive, has left my sister in dangerous places (left her in Alantic city in the middle of the night to find her own ride home 2x b/c a stupid fights), and over her talking to a mutual friend from high school he came to my parents house, verbally abused her, threw all her belongings directly at her face, smashed her expensive cell phone, then came back in the middle of the night and keyed the entire length of her car(which was less then 6 months old). Oh and to top that already horrible list, he had or has a bad drug problem with reliable sources that he hit his ex in the face(police were at their house for domestic abuse).
I love my sister but HATE this guy. He has no respect for my sister or my family. He makes me feel sick when I have to look at him. I really don’t want him at my wedding.
What do I do????? Do I suck it up and let her bring the dirtbag so I know she will be there and part of the festivities? Or do I stand my ground and say no, I don’t like they way he treats you and I don’t want that around on my special day? I hate this and have been struggling with it for months now. I am just extremely hurt that my own sister would threaten not to be there on my special day. I feel like not only would she let down me and my fiance but my parents and extended family that is coming in from out of town.
I need HELP and my wedding is so close.
Post # 3
Do not suck it up and risk so much negativity at your wedding. If he’s not even invited to family functions, why would you invite him to something SO important just to appease someone who’s acting like a spoiled brat. I’ve said this before and I believe it to be true — “If you invite trouble, you cannot get mad when trouble shows up.” You already know how he is, so at that this point, you can’t blame him if he does act irratically and cause a scene at what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life.
With that said, if your sister wants to draw lines in the sand let her. Ultimately, when she looks back on the day and how she missed out it will be her loss not yours. Personally, I would just not say anything but that I am sorry she feels that way and hope that she may show up anyway once someone clobbers her with a common sense stick. If you go into a long explanation about the way he treats her blah blah blah, then it invites a fight and drama. Put your foot down without all of the extra banter. If she does not come to her senses, then you did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad about her decision. Do not allow her problems to become yours.
Post # 4
Healthy relationships are not built on ultimatums. Do not give into your sister’s unhealhty demands. What do your parents say?
Post # 5
THanks ladies. Good advice.
Eeniebeans: my parents are sorta staying out of it however they put their foot down with family functions. My sister’s bf is not allowed to attend any family functions. My mom sorta hinted that I should just cave in(if my sister continues to be stubborn) because it would be worse if my sister does not come as appose to what it would be like with him there.
Post # 6
If he is not allowed at other family functions, why should they expect him to be allowed at your wedding?
Stick to your guns and tell your sister that you would love for her to be in your wedding, but you do not like her boyfriend and do not feel comfortable with him there. Inform her that she will be greatly missed if she is not there, but this is not something you are going to negotiate with her about.
Hope it all works out for you.
Post # 7
I agree with PP that you should not give in to her ultimatum, as it is your wedding and you get to decide who is on the guest list. However, I disagree in that it is not your place to tell her that you won’t invite him because of how he treats her. It sounds like yours and your family’s positions on him and their relationship are pretty clear, and your wedding is not the platform to further pass that judgment. I would tell her that it is too late to add him to the guestlist and you’re sorry, but he wasn’t invited and that isn’t changing. If she doesn’t show up, that’s on her.
Post # 8
The way I see it, if having your sister there is important to you then let her bring him.
If it’s more important that you stand your ground by not inviting him and she doesn’t show up, then go with this option.
To sum it up, what’s more important? To have her there or not to have him there?
Post # 9
Just take the loss of not having her there. Sorry, it might be harsh, but I’d do it if my sister were making such a horrible choice (abusive loser over her own family).
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
I would not give in to her ultimatum.
Clearly if he’s not invited to family functions, this isn’t a new occurance, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise.
She’s being so incredible immature and childish, it’s so disrespectful.
Don’t let anyone tell you that by sticking to your guns you’re being stubborn. You are also looking out for your guests and drama that could be created if he was there.
Although it would sadden you to not have her there, while I don’t know you or your family, I have a feeling if you stood your ground without waivering, she would show up at the last minute at the wedding.
Don’t use guilt or anything to get her to your wedding. She should show up on her own!
Post # 11
I also have a sister who gives ultimatums and is emotionally abusive to me and other members of my family.
She didn’t show up at my wedding.
We don’t have a relationship at this point in time; in fact, we haven’t spoken since I got engaged last year.
And as much as it sucks, I felt so much more fulfilled after I refused to continue giving into her demands like I have done my whole life. I know if I had given into her list of demands and had her at my wedding, she would have found a way to ruin it and make it a huge drama-fest about her.
The door is open if she ever wants to reconcile, and she knows that. As hard as it is, I suggest you take a similar approach with your sister.
Best of luck to you.
Post # 12
Thanks for the advice ladies. This is just so hard because she is my maid of honor. It would crush me to not have her at our wedding but I hate the scumbag she is with.
I do find it selfish and immature how she is giving me an ultimatum and I’m hoping she will decide to be part of the wedding before the day of.
It’s really stressing me out!
Post # 13
@Futureroller12: My sister was unfortunately also my Maid/Matron of Honor. :/ Just remember that ultimatums are never okay in any healthy relationship.
Post # 14
Let me start off by saying I’m sorry you’re in this situation so close to your wedding, it must be so hard to see your sister tolerating that treatment.
However, I feel like people are being a little unfair to the sister here… I mean I don’t know her but there is a possibility that she’s trying to get him invited so she can avoid dealing with his anger/abuse over the issue. If he is an abuser, he’s going to TRY to cause issues within the family and isolate her, he’s probably given her (or implied) an ultimatum… he’s causing this issue which is a win win for him, she has to fight to have him invited so he’ll either get to be there in person to control the situation or she’ll miss your wedding and you’ll have trouble getting along with each other (he’s hoping for a falling out) and he gets even more of her time and attention.
Sorry to play the devil’s advocate here, I understand it’s your day and obviously it means the world to you to have your sister there in a safe and healthy way. Good for you for placing that boundary. Ultimately that guy will be gone and you two will still be sisters… and she probably realizes that already and won’t really skip your wedding for this loser. She may just be afraid of what he’ll do if she goes without him.
Post # 15
brideatbeach: thanks for sharing your story. I am hoping it doesn’t come down to that but you are right…..i give in to her becuase I feel bad. I need to stop driving myself crazy to make her happy when she wouldn’t do the same.
Post # 16
@Futureroller12: I sincerely hope it works out better for you, as well!