Post # 1
I am a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding, she knows that my husband and I are struggling financially and she didnt want me to go into debt for her, so that was nice. She was recently a bridesmaid in my wedding and did a really great job and I wanted to make sure I reciprocated for her, I dont want to cause any drama or have to refuse to do things money-wise. The issue is her older sister, who is MOH, my friend warned me before hand that her sister would try to take over and be demanding, but I didnt know what she meant until now. Her sister has decided that we will give her a large gift from all us girls at her shower, and has asked for money from each of us. I told her what I could afford, but she kept asking me for more, saying she didnt have enough to cover the cost and would text me all the time asking for more money. I caved, but started getting anxious because I have already spent over $200 for dress, shoes, and some craft supplies for her shower. I still need to buy my friend her wedding gift which I wanted to be nice, and my friend also let me know she hoped I would get her some nice lingerie as a bachlorette party gift, since she did for me and she thinks I am the only one who knows what she likes. I am happy to do this, but if I contribute money to the group gifts as her MOH wants, I wont have enough to get her anything personal. I have tried communicating my lack of money to the MOH but she doesnt quite seem to get it. She also suggested that whatever lingerie I buy my friend I put into a basket full of goodies and it can be from all of us. Now, call me selfish, but if I am spending $80+ on nice lingerie, I dont want to put it into a basket with some body oils and perfume and say its from everyone, I want it to be from me. The bachlorette party itself is going to be expensive, as its a winery tour/tasting, and there is talk of doing TWO bachlorette parties.
I have a really hard time saying no to people who I feel its important to try to get along with, and her sister can have a really hot temper and I know if I refuse her ideas I will make her mad and we are working closely since she and I are the only local bridesmaids. I dont want to make things awkward between her sister and I and have it ruin my friends wedding. I wish I had the money to contribute to large groups gifts and also nice personal gifts from me, but I dont, and I feel like I have to make a choice between refusing to participate in the MOHs plans, thereby making her upset with me, or going into debt. This is exactly what I didnt want to happen.
Post # 3
Refuse to go along with the MOH’s plans. She will get over it…or she won’t…but that isn’t your problem. The bride knows your financial situation. The bride knows her sister is an overbearing PITA.
Just repeat the same thing to the MOH every time “that is a lovely idea, but I’m going to have to sit out.” Every time. Don’t explain. Don’t rationalize. Just tell her you love the idea and clearly decline to participate.
Post # 4
@Annabelle86: Ugh, that’s sucky, I’m sorry. I think that since your friend already knows your situation, and knows that her sister is like this, you’re not out of line to politely say something. The next time she texts, call her back and say “While I’d love to help more, my finances are set and x is all I can contribute. If you’d prefer I don’t contribute to the group gift, I understand and I will get Bride something personal instead. Thanks for understanding.”
If you’re polite but firm about the whole thing, it’s on her if she flies of the handle. I’m sure you’re not the only BM feeling financial strain w/ her constant requests, and you already know that the bride is understanding. I don’t see the problem in talking with your friend, either, as long as it’s just in a “heads up” type of way, nothing complaining (not that I think you would at all, you sound very sweet and concerned about rocking the boat).
Post # 5
You need to tell the MOH that you’ve have already talked to the bride about your tight budget before you agreed to be a bridesmaid. I would be upfront about it and say
“Please don’t bring this up again and stop asking me about. The answer is no, I will contribute to the group gift”
Post # 6
I am planning on spending a day making chocolates for the shower with the MOH, so I dont want to get on her bad side if I can help it. I already agreed to up my contribution to the group gift and I cant retract it now, but I am frustrated that she wants me to put my lingerie gift in with the group bachlorette party gift, I would just like to be able to get the bride a special gift from me. If I dont put the lingerie in the group gift, she will want me to contribute something else to the group gift. I get that she is excited and wants to do all this stuff but I wish she could respect other peoples financial constraints. Its going to be delicate, telling her to back off without making her angry
Post # 7
@MrsLulu: you nailed it.
Seriously don’t cave into peer pressure! I don’t think she will be mad at you, I just don’t think she understands (although I don’t know how). She has found out that if she pokes and prods she can get what she wants out of you even if you said “no” previously.
You don’t necessarily need to tell her to back off, just be short and assertive with her. If she brings up the baseket idea, say “I already had something special planned, and I can’t financially afford to also contribute to a group gift.” Honestly, if someone said that to me I would be totally fine with it and would still put their name on the basket even if they didn’t contribute. Who cares? Guess it’s just me.
Post # 8
@Annabelle86: All of this is really supposed to be fun and MOH is taking that out of it. Be honest let her know that the lingerie is a personal gift from you to bride and is similar to what she did for you and you want it to be special in that way.
In regards to the group bach gift, tell her you wont participate as you are excited about your perosnal gift and as much as you would like to, unfortunatly funds are a bit tight.
Tell her you appreciate her great ideas and enthusiasm and are happy to work with her to make the brides day awesome and you appreciate her respecting your decisions. At the end of the day will the bride be delighted either way, YES! So if you peeve off MOH shell get over it.