Post # 1
Ok, imma keep this as short as i can, although when it comes to family we all know it could go on and on….imma give you the important details but i need HELP!
I come from a close knit family, probably not the healthiest but its what im used to (ie always up in each others business etc)
Husband is not close with his family at all, been on his own since a young age so he doesnt exactly understand my family life (mostly my mom and bro)
first mistake, moving into the house RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my mom (not recommended)
My mom is over bearing always wanting her hands in everyones stuff. Kind of a control freak and very jealous of my husbands and my relationship because her marriage to my step dad isnt great at all.
What it comes down to is that my husband wants me to set boundries with my mom cause shes always coming over and swims (her pool, our yard) even if its for 5 minutes its really getting on his nerves and as much as I am ok with it cause its my mom, i love her and i am used to it, its really trying since weve only been married a year.
What i need help with is, i know i need to set boundries but what do i say to her without hurting her feelings? This is what she is used to as well, i know she feels like she lost her baby girl and it makes her sad that we dont hang out as much as we used to but i have to put my husband first but i dont want to hurt her feelings.
thanks in advanced
Post # 3
bump…really no one had advice?
Post # 4
I would tell her that while things have been a certain way for a while, that now that you are married, things must change. She must ask first before she comes over, and if she wants to remove her pool from your yard, then so be it.
Stand firm, and repeat if necessary. She is going to be hurt, lash out, and p;ossibly stop speaking to you for a time. You must be prepared to deal with this. She might also resent your husband because he is the reason for all this, and she knows that.
Then, I would think about looking for a new place to live, if you can. In the meantime, change the locks so she can’t come and go as she pleases
Post # 5
Oh no 🙁 I really understand because I am super close to my family too.
Try to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if his family were overstepping? Invading your privacy? (Probably how he sees it, but I know your mom isn’t trying to be malicious).
As for what to say to her? It’s a tough one but just gently ask her to call first before visiting? Start small? Or if you are VERY close to her and can tell her anything, tell her the truth! “Husband loves you, mom, but he’s not used to our family dynamic and I know he feels such and such a way and I don’t want to hurt you”. She hopefully will end your fears on the spot!
Also, if you used to “hang out” a lot, start a date night with mom! Once every two weeks, no fail. It will show her you want to hang out and it will show hubby you want to appease his wishes for more privacy!?
Post # 6
I do think you need to set boundaries. This isnt about choosing one over the other but about respecting your husbands feelings and your mom respecting your new life and relationship.
I suspect its a lot more than just swimming in your pool so ask him to list 10 things he would like your mom to change- Then try to come up with those boundaries that encompass the worst of them. If the only thing she did that was over-bearing was swimming, I suspect he wouldnt say anything at all
So maybe its
1) you can swim whenever you want without an invitation as long as we are not in the pool already and its between the hours of 9-5.
2) You can not come into our house unannounced, you must call ahead of time to ensure we want company
You tell her that you are a grown adult now and you really want to live a life with your husband as an adult. You love her and your relationship, but somethings need to change so that your house and life is your own, not a shared life with your mom.
Maybe make a standing appt each week for coffee on Saturday mornings so she knows she will see you every week- just you two- to chat and catch up. She is probably going to be insulted and maybe even afraid of the change that it might grow you two apart, so if you address that ahead of time itll help aleve her fears. Or maybe its grocery shopping together on Sundays, or a Sunday dinner at your house etc.
Create new habits/traditions to replace the old ones.
Post # 7
Why DID you move next door to her? By doing that, she probably thinks you wanted to be as close to her as you’ve always been, so it makes it easier for her to continue on as she always has. By trying to change things now, of course she’ll be hurt, but she should understand.
Do YOU find it annoying or is just him?
Post # 8
@MrsSl82be: <– agree!
You need to explain to your mom that even aside from your husband not liking it… it’s not good for your marraige, or any marriage really, and that now you’re grown and have a family of your own (which is you & him) and that you have to nurture and take care of that.You love her company, and advice, and wisdom but it needs to move from something she gives freely to something that is asked for or scheduled.
She’s likely to get really upset and take her pool back, hold anything done over your head, and try guilting you about her not getting to come over as she wants anymore. Just stick to your guns and like MrsSl82be said… repeat.
Her hurt is going to come more from not getting her way than anything… and the fact that she’s not being fulfilled by her husband is what will be the root of the resentment. She’ll put off that the reason is b/c of your husband, but really it’s just another outlet for her to deflect what her real issues are.
We’ve gone through this with MIL and I can say that it was really hard at first.. she did all the things that have been mentioned above… BUT it has gotten much better. So now things are healthy AND getting happy.
Post # 9
@ all of you,
We moved nxt door because my aunt owned the home and she needed people to live in it they would pay and at the time we need to find a new place to live, so it was convneient.
I do find it annoying sometimes, but not nearly as much as my husband does, i assume its because i am used to it and dont know much different.
She does not just walk in any time she pleases, she does knock and wait for us to come to the door.
Thanks for the advice. I am going to send her an email so i dont forget to make all of my points and also so she does not get defensive and interrupt me.
In defense of the pool situation, she agreed that since its her pool, she would take care and maintain it so we wouldnt have to, just is also helping with the water bill as a thank you for letting her put in in our yard.
Anyhow, thanks again and please, keep the advice coming….
Post # 10
Are you planning to stay next to your mom’s house or are you planning to move in the future?
Post # 11
I can see why your husband would see it as annoying, your married,living together and independant and relying on just each other. If you live next door to your mum he probably wont see that happening.
If you email your mom, I would make it clear that you still want an active,loving relationship and as PP posters said have time together once a week (I like the idea of her coming over for dinner one night a week,it will bring you all closer and satisfy her feeling included) And explain that you need and want to really focus on your new marriage together, then just re-affirm that you could have one night together,so she doesnt just focus on any bad points and get hugely upset.
I hope this works out for you hun!
Post # 12
Thank [email protected], my mom and step dad were planning to move to Fla. so that helped, but the plan for that is moving much slower than we’d hoped for. If she doesnt move there by the end of this year we will plan to move. We have 1 more year in this house we can then choose to purchase it or move.