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OMG!!! I'm so frustrated! My Mom has always been a pretty frugal person, but ever since I got engaged she has been NOTHING less than accommodating with anything my fiance and I want. My problem is my FIL have not offered- nor have the said or done anything to lead me to believe they will- to pay for ANYTHING for our wedding. My fiance was already marrried once before and footed the ENTIRE bill for the event. I don't feel comfortable to ask him for ANYTHING!
I'm REALLY hurt b/c all my FMIL has been talking about for OVER a year is how much she can't wait for us to get engaged! Also, she's made the comment on more than one occasion that she wouldn't give my fiance a dime for his first wedding b/c 1. the girl wasn't Jewish (I AM!) and 2. She knew it wasn't going to work. I really thought she would've offered to help my mom, but so far NOTHING!!!
The part that makes me the MOST UPSET is that my FMIL and FSIL have already told me NOT to count on either of them coming to an engagement party OR my shower!!!! SERIOUSLY????? I KNOW my FMIL paid for my fiance's engagement party with his first wife--who my FMIL couldn't stand!!!!
UGH! Has anyone else had this issue???? How did you deal with it????
I don't think anyone is obligated to pay for or to contribute to anyone else's wedding. Would it be nice, sure...is it obligatory, no.
I need to add that them telling you that they are not attending your other wedding related festivities is weird and hurtful to you I can imagine. Do you not have a good relationship with them?
Just let it roll off your back. There is nothing else you can do. You can't force the issue or you will look like a moneygrubber. So just smile and be gracious and pray they offer help last minute. Sorry I know it doesn't seem fair but no one is required to help you pay for anything or give you gifts. Sending you cyber hugs because I know this bites.
No one is obligated to help you pay for your wedding, so I don't really see the issue. Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think it's reasonable to assume/expect this.
You're upset because you think they owe you money even though they never promised it to you? I think that's unreasonable of you. It is becoming much less common for parents to pay for weddings these days. You are not owed anything from these people.
My parents are not paying for any part of my wedding and they are rich! It is completely their right to decide whether to pay or not. You should be happy that your mom is helping to pay and just leave it at that.
The not coming to your engagement party or shower thing is a little hurtful though. Did they give a reason? Perhaps do they live far away or have other obligations keeping them from being able to make it?
ughhhhh!! I just posted something similar to this in the "emotional" tab. I can understand your frustrations and I am looking for much needed advice as well. I don't know why people don't think to offer help, so rude. I'm sorry I can't give advice but I definitely understand.
I'm sorry to say, but nowadays parents don't pay for the weddings or help contribute. My mother is buying my veil which is $85 and that's it. My FMIL & FFIL are giving us $2,000 (which compared to the cost of the wedding isnt much, but I'll take whatever I can get). They are letting us borrow their credit card for any overages but we are expected to pay back. Infact, when I was younger and spoke to my aunt about how I wanted to get married somewhere expensive she said to me "well you know you are gonna have to pay for it all on your own. now one helped us, we paid for everything."
My parents didn't pay for anything. We paid for it ourselves with little help from the in laws (MIL made my veil and FIL made the cake).
Is it possible they don't have the cash to help you out? Times are pretty tough right now so they might not have as much in savings as they did when your FI got married the first time.
I don't think it is rude at all. I think a parent seeing their child at this point in their lives should try to be as helpful as possible, not watch them struggle.
@katiebee3: Some parents just don't have the means. mine didn't and FI was the 4th child. With people getting laid off it isn't fair to assume everyone can drop everything and help. It's not required.
@katiebee3: Problem is there is no "advice" to give. What are you hoping to hear? Someone to tell you that it wrong that nobody wants to give you THEIR $$$ to pay for YOUR wedding? Well, don't hold your breath because the majority of people will agree that it is YOUR wedding so YOU should pay for it. If someone offers to help....Great! If not, you can't huff & puff about it. What can you do, hold a gun to their head and demand they give you their money? That was a silly example but what you expect is equally silly.
agree with PP....your wedding you guys pay for it. if you cant afford it make some cuts somewhere. my FI and i had to learn this the ahrd way. if they offer of course take it, but make sure there are no strings attached.
Good luck
@Lemma: On the contrary. It's rude to assume people will help.
This. Couldn't agree more.
It just seems very entitled to me. I agree that parents should help their kids out with big things if they can, but being able to pay for an expensive wedding is not exactly crucial in life. It's the difference between a parent helping their kid make rent that month and helping their kid buy that pretty outfit that they want.
You ladies have been watching the news right?
If you haven't - I'll fill you in - the economy, specifically the stock market, sucks right now. This means that a lot of invested savings accounts, 401k's, and other forms of retirement and savings, has evaporated. Housing values are also down. Just because your parents or your SO's parents APPEAR wealthy doesn't mean they actually are.
Imagine being in your mid 50s and having your retirement fund wiped out - you think you're going to lose sleep over your son's fiance's wedding expectations? Sucks to say - but - probably not! Imagine things are tight and they have to prioritize between keeping some money set aside for your kids to go to college vs. your wedding - whats more important?
We're not getting a dime from my Mr's parents, and it would NEVER even cross my mind to be resentful of that. Im just happy that they like me, are excited about the wedding, and are hosting a small get together (with pizza and beer) so that I can meet the rest of his out-of-state family before the wedding. We got a bit of money from my parents because my grandmother passed recently and left some savings - but I'd happily give that money back to have my grandmother here.
HOWEVER - them not coming to the engagement party/shower/etc - totally different story. That sucks and is hurtful, and I think you can tell them that hurts you or ask your fiance to express that to them. Unless they have a REALLY good excuse, they should be there - even if all they can swing is a food item or a 20 dollar gift card...
WOW! Let me just say, I didn't mean to insult anyone or sound like a brat, and I really don't think its fair that some of you seem to judging me. I don't walk around feeling a sense of ENTITLEMENT....I just had hoped that fiance's parents would offer my mom SOMETHING....even it iwas was the officiant's fee. My parents have told my sisters and I from the day we born that they would pay for our weddings, and I consider myself VERY fortunate in that. When my Dad passed away 5 years ago, he made my mom promise that the three of us (my sisters and I) would have the weddings he always dreamed he would've been here to see. I know that is not the norm these days--especially for older brides like myself.
That being said....my FMIL has made SUCH a big deal about our impending nuptials for a LONG time and had lead my fiance and me to believe that she would be helping. I-by no means-expected her to split anything....but I had HOPED she would have at least offered.
I kind of just wanted to know if anyone had been through the same thing and could share how they dealt with it...other than "SUCK IT UP"!
As for the shower and the engagement party, I am DEEPLY hurt. Like someone said, I just have to let it roll. I know all of these events are a once in a lifetime experience and I am NOT going miss out on them b/c I'm too preoccupied with what ins't happening.
If anyone has been through a similar situation and has any constructive advice, I'd appreciate it!!!
@bfh426:I say work with what money you have. Find out what's important to you. Budget shop. DIYs, etc. Everything adds up sooo quickly that I didn't even realize. I budgeted for 14,000 because I thoguht that was reasonable, and it's not. Shop around, look for sales, look for alternatives. You can't change their mind or make them pay, so work with what money you do have.
With all due respect ladies...I'm guessing that some of you haven't read this:
I didn't post so that I can get a lecture on the economy (I've been out of work for MONTHS, which is why I can't offer my mother very much) or be made to feel that I am ungrateful or spoiled or anything else some of you have insinuated. I posted for HELP....for advice from people who may have been in the same or similar situation. If nothing else, i was under the assumption that this site is a forum of advice FOR brides FROM brides.
Honestly? no one offered anything super constructive in regards to the money thing because there is no other way to "deal" with it - you can't ask them to give you money - thats insanely rude, obviously you know that deep down or you would have done it already, right?
The only thing I can think of - and this still borders on being a bit tacky depending on how close you are with them- is to ask them for a loan, and hope that in the end they tell you not to worry about it when you ask about paying it back.
@asheyyg- THANKS! That is some good advice. We've definitely been shopping around. There haven't been ANY weddings in our family in so long that no one really has a baseline for anything. I've gotten some really great advice on here already to help my fiance and I decide what is most important for us to have. I have a binder with lists and worksheets that I found on weddingbee.com and they have come in handy. I even offered to make my own invitations to save money...I mean, most people just send the reply and recycle it. I don't see the need to spend some of the money people charge for invitations when there are SOOOO many sites online that you can print templates for FREE! Let me know if you need anything!
@bfh426:I suggest looking at the DIY section. Some have ideas I NEVER thought of ever. They can give you templates and answer your questions.
And this may sound weird, but someone i know EMAILED save the dates AND invites to save money haha Those who dont use the internet she had someone print them out on paper for her
I think the advice that many of us were trying to give you is to be grateful for the help from your mom and to try not to expect help from your FPIL. If you can manage that, then you will be much happier. You seemed to think that if was normal for FPIL to pay, so learning that that was not the case should hopefully take away some of the bad feelings towards your FPIL.
@bfh426: But your OP wasn't about how to cut costs as to not burden your Mom, it was about being frustrated that your in-laws hadn't offered up any $$$. So any follow up posts were based on that. You providing a link to "personal attacks & snarkiness" was really unnecessary.
My FI mom offered to help. His dad suggested we go to vegas lol! they havnt given us a total though. We expected to pay ourselves. My mom first said she wasnt going to come to my wedding (we arent very close) and then later apoligized. After i told her our plans to wed at the church she said " well dont expect us to help you" ew. I didnt at all expect it. My parents gave a lot of money they didnt have to my sister for her wedding. But I knew they wouldnt extend that to me so I wasnt hurt. now, the whole im not going to your wedding thing, which I imagine feels the same as im not going to your enagagement party...was just unecessary.
As for everyone saying its "rude" of you for "expecting" um I think that you may feel the way you do because they had paid for the engagement party for his first marraige? so youre feeling like "but you hated her!" and you have the knowledge that she didnt pay for the wedding the first time because she"knew it wouldnt work" well, youre feeling like this is her way of telling you the same thing, in a very passive agressive way.
hurts doesnt it?
im pissed my mom said the things she said the way she did. So many more graceful ways to say the same thing.
In any event, Im gonna say it as gently as I can, but people are expected to pay for their own wedding hun.
ummm....yea....My FILs know my Mom's situation....and I really thought they were going to offer. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
You seemed to think that if was normal for FPIL to pay, so learning that that was not the case should hopefully take away some of the bad feelings towards your FPIL.
Very well put.
Mentioning that your post sounded entitled isn't a personal attack. Swearing at you or carrying on about how you personally are entitled would be. But making a blanket statement that "expecting others to pay for your wedding is entitled" is not (neither is commenting on the reasons for this, i.e. the economy).
I can understand the frustration -- for some reason you came to expect that your FMIL was going to offer financial assistance, and she didn't. Unfortunately, unless you're willing to have an uncomfortable conversation to breach the issue (she MAY just be waiting for you to ask), you're going to have to leave it be.
About the shower, I really am sorry. Those are times that the women in your life should be with you (including those of the family that you're marrying into). It sucks that they've said this early in the game that they're not coming. Maybe you could have a smaller, more intimate party at a better time that they could all come to?
@Jenniphir--THANK YOU!!!! I know that would be SUCH an uncomfortable conversation that I am DEFINITELY not willing to have. I have a good relationship with ALL my FILs and I would never do anything to jeopardize it. We have decided to scale down the wedding so that my Mom will not be stretched. I'm the oldest of three girls, so I know she still has TWO more weddings to come. As for the shower...I have pictured my engagement party and shower SOOOOO many times in my life and really wish my FMIL and FSIL could be there. I'm hopeful that they will be able to work something out for the shower. As for the engagement party....it'll be what it can be. Thanks again!
@ashleyyyg: I know someone that used email also. I liked it b/c I was able to send it right to my calendar. My mom is much more traditional, so while my mom is letting me make my Save the Dates....I doubt she would go for the email thing. My friend had to actually send out a mass email about her invitations b/c the company she ordered her invitations from went BANKRUPT! I felt SOOOOO bad!
@bfh426: Your mother's situation has absolutely nothing to do with your FILs, in my opinion. Neither side should feel obligated to offer a certain amount (or anything at all) because of what the other side is contributing.
May I ask your budget? There are a lot of ways to scale down on the costs if that's what you're asking for advice on, but honestly, a lot of the Bees are paying for their entire wedding themselves and they just have a wedding within their means, or delay the wedding to save up.
ETA: You keep talking about an egagement party... do you need one? A lot of people don't have an official one and this could cut costs. Also, I'm not sending out STDs at all, so that will save money- only send them to out of town guests who need to plan more.
@bfh426:Well then make both invitations. Make invites for your friends and family that don't mind and ARE computer savy and give the ones like your mom a hard copy.
I'd actually prefer NOT receiving RSVPs in the mail and by email so you can save it to word and know exactly what is what.
look on the DIY page, see what they did. You might be able to save some money by doing it that way. There are online ones that they make like umm... www.weddingpapeerdivas.com I used them for my save the dates, Etsy has good ones too, storkie.com intimateweddings.com printableinvitationkits.com
@galloway111: My mom is one of those SUPER traditional, "Miss Etiquette". She wants to have a whole traditional engagement with all that is typically associated with it. She did a lot of looking at things that are typically paid for by the Bride's family and by the Groom's family. So, she was just kind of taken aback that my FILs didn't offer to help. I may not have communicated it clearly, but I was just trying to find out if anyone else out there in weddingbee.com-land had had a similar situation and how they dealt with it. I would NEVER EVER be rude or tacky and ASK them to pay for anything....I just hoped. If my FI would like to ask his parents he can, but my Mom nor I would NEVER. They just won't have much say in how the day plays out.
@ashleyyyg: OMG! That is a GREAT idea!!! I didn't think of spilitting them! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the DIY boards!!! I've gotten so many great ideas--including my Save the Dates!!!! Thanks for all your help!
Well, I did have a similar situation and it didnt offend me. I was offended i was told she wasnt going to attend and im not quite totally over but i pretty much am. I even told my fiance that he shouldnt ask his parents about how much they are going to offer, they lost their house a couple of months ago. good luck in planning, We are having 220 ppl and have an AMAZING VENUE in San francisco and have everything we want for under $15K!!! it is SO doable and no im not DIY i just shopped everywhere!!! also, we pitted companies against eachother, they want out money and we used that to our advantage.
@bfh426:I would just scan the ones you get printed and use those for the ones you send online.
@Angelz_love:THAT IS AMAZING!!! I'm across the country, but if you have any tips you could share that would be AWESOME!!!! Good luck with your wedding!!! I can't wait to get more stuff planned. Right now I'm stressing b/c I feel like so many things are still up in the air....but by the end of this week we should have a venue and next week's task is the photographer! I'm SOOOOO excited!!!!
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