Post # 1
My fiance is worried that our wedding won’t personify his family’s style and that his family will feel out of the comfort zone. His family lives VERY conservative. His father only owns a black and white TV (no cable, no computer). His mother has a computer only because my FI bought one for her (a $600 desktop). His mother is vegetarian eating organic food. His father doesn’t like to purchase plastic and looks up to the huderittes/ Amish for their amazing lifestyles. Both of these individuals came from upper-middle class families but choose to live in more lower-middle class setting after moving away from their families (hippy generation).
We’re looking at hosting the reception site at the Science Museum of Minnesota. http://www.smm.org/rentals/social/
We both think the museum is neat, but he thinks his family’s style wouldn’t be represented. Also, he wants a band, but I don’t want my family to pay for something that my family will despise, mock and feel uncomfortable with. Also, since neither of us are from the Twin Cities, we can’t look easily for a live band (my family used to own a DJ company, so we prefer a DJ).
Post # 3
Well….since his family is really conservative (almost Amish I guess?), have you asked them what they envision for you wedding-wise? I’m guessing ANYTHING not, er, really really conservative would be something they balk at anyways. I don’t see how you can avoid having plastics and stuff like that…and you may or may not be able to find an organic caterer…super pricey. Is your FI really conservative too? Do youmean conservative as in the religious/Amish aspect? Or conservative as in SUPER eco-friendly? Or both…?
Good luck, I don’t really have any ideas, I just appreciate the hard spot you’re stuck in.
Post # 4
There are lots of ways to compromise and honor both families! First and foremost, make sure that your reception reflect the preferences of your and your fiance. Your families love you and I’m sure that they will be happy knowing that you chose a venue/caterer/band/etc that is meaningful to you as a couple.
As for your fiance’s parents, they seem like very simple, salt of the earth type people. Do you think they might appreciate some eco-friendly touches? Maybe print your invitations on recycled paper in honor of them. There and literally a million different ways to make your reception eco-friendly, and that might be something that they might really appreciate. If they are contributing financially, your fiance may want to talk to them and see if there is anything that is important to them.
I went to a wedding that had a band for the first hour of the reception, and then a DJ for the rest of the reception. The band played swing music which only appealed to some of the guests, but the DJ played something for everyone. It was a great way to get a diverse group of people to enjoy themselves together.
Don’t feel disparaged, there is always a way to compromise!
Post # 5
Can his families style be represented in other ways like having organic foods served or organic juice in your signature cocktail or something or organic favors? It is both of your weddings and you both like this wedding venue, does the wedding venue have to reflect his parents style? I would try to incorporate other things. Maybe if the parents like acoustic guitar or classical music have a guitarist for ceremony and cocktail hour. If it were me I would try to add some touches that the parents would appreciate through out the day. Also I would not make my family pay for a band that they would not be into especially when they want to dance to a dj. Maybe his family can pay for a band during cocktail hour? I would just be up for compromise and talk all your options out so you can both hear each other out on things like that. It sounds like not having a dj would be out of the question especially if your family is paying for it.
Post # 6
I’m from more of a modern family (we each have our own computers…I have a GPS, wireless stuff for my computer to travel with, have three game systems, and am in the military). I’m okay with organic and all, but it’s too expensive to do that for all of our guests – around 125 – and my side of the family is the fast-food, tv/ nintendo game type people, the gotta have TV and internet, enjoy the music load and the radio up.
He’s okay with some of the stuff (doesn’t like fast food and reads every food label for "not good ingredients"). His family acknowledges electronics and all, the children aren’t as conservative as his parents. His father plays acoustic guitar and my fiance wants his dad to play for the reception with a "band" that he hasn’t even made. (YIKES) I said MAYBE one song, but I know exactly what some of my aunts and uncles with think and I want to save my future father-in-law from the embarrasment of my relatives.
Post # 7
don’t let his family completely change the vision that you and fiance have in common
However, maybe you can meet with them and let them choose the 2-3 things that are most important to them…I think if they feel included they will be less likely to "balk" at your other decisions…and if they do, that’s just tacky
Also, for the green thing, it’s not all or nothing…we found little ways to compromise…we couldn’t affor organic food for 100, but we did use recycled paper on homemade invitations & made most of our paper products…we also used our hybrid as our escape car, etc, and there are other rental cars out there that are stylish and eco-friendly
Post # 8
I would just point out everywhere you could the organic or homemade aspects of your wedding – put signs up explaining the foods, etc, so his parents can SEE the efforts you’ve gone through to make them comfortable. Are you having it outdoors? If not, I would consider doing that so it has even a more earthy feel.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor
I think it could be helpful to avoid waste at your wedding to help represent their lifestyle. Using glasses instead of plastic cups, organic/local beer or wine, potted centerpieces, etc. I think the easiest resolution would be to talk to with your fiance nad his parents and see what you guys can all agree on that would represent them. So far it seems like the only things your fiance has asked for are musically related (father with acoustic guitar, band) and you also seem pretty set on not having those. Is there anything else that is important to him/them that is feasible?
I’m not saying go out of your way to accomdate his side, I’m just suggesting a balance that represents both of you and your familes. good luck!
Post # 10
I’d pick one or two small things to bring in their lifestyle (like someone said above with the invitations) or something really inexpensive like eco-friendly favors. But I wouldn’t go overboard….it is really expensive to go that route and if you are going to honor one family you obvoiusly have to do both. My Fi and I fixed this by just doing what we wanted….but I’d pick someething small to appease everyone, then do the wedding that you and your FI are envisioning. YOu’re going to have a clash regardless.
What about "healthy" burgers and sweet potato fries to sort of offer a gourmet (not bad food) junk food option for food?
Post # 11
like everything else, compromise.
biodegradable plates and cups, or china that is reused. One vegetarian entree, one meat. no favors, donation instead. If not an organic reception, organic rehearsal dinner?
A wedding is about you two getting married and committing to spend the rest of your life together and hosting a nice party for your two families to meet each other. In my opinion, it does not have to be a statement of how you or your family lives their life!
Even the Amish aren’t perfect: they run a lot of puppy mills.
Maybe FI is more into a band, or maybe when he sees the price verses a dj, that will change!
Post # 12
What about as a favor making a donation on behalf of the guests to counter their carbon footprint? Eco friendly, and somewhat affordable…Plus make sure your recycle bins are obvious 🙂
Post # 13
Aw the Science Museum! I love our museum — totally great. I think it puts a good start to it in general, even though they have pretty swank reception space, you’ve got a great space to work in a lot of environmentally friendly things. I’d just ask the family about it specifically, no reason you have to come up with ideas on your own.
Post # 14
Compromise is important, since your FI wants his father to play at the wedding, you can make a compromise, perhaps he can play as guests arrive to the ceremony or at the cocktail reception or during part of dinner, or your send off at the end of the night. Since its acoustic I’d imagine it will be low key and nobody will think anything of the overally chilled music.
You want your wedding to have aspects that both you and your FI want, and since you said "my FI wants his dad to play" I’m sure it would mean alot to your FI to allow him to do so 🙂
Post # 15
You keep mentioning that you don’t want your family to mock or embarrass your ILs, so you want your FI’s family to change. What about making sure your family understands them and accepts them for who they are?