- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
To many of you this may sounds ridiculous. But I’m struggling with my problems of becoming a full blown snoop and it’s killing me from the inside as well as my relationship.
Some of you might have read a few threads I posted 3-4 months ago. Back then I was dealing with just finding out my SO was still watching porn and masturbating even after our marriage/ moving in together. The reason I even found out he watches porn after we got married was he once left it on while he was in the shower. Of course that was obvious, it was displayed on his screen in motion with nothing to deny. In my last post it seems like we were heading down a healthy path of open talking –some talks did get emotional and turned into heated arguments but in the end of that chapter was my SO promised me 3 times (on 3 different occasions) that he would try to watch less, and try not to watch. After the day he promised he would try to watch less porn, he has always kept all doors in the house open (even the bathroom) to clear my suspicion that he was secretly masturbating, and has been downloading 10-15 minutes of porn clips a week.
I should have been satisfied with that conclusion right? I mean, first of all he never hid the fact from the first day we dated that he watches porn (and helps himself) he even gave a number that it is 3 times a week. Second, in his culture and religion porn is not dirty nor cheating on the contrary it is viewed as a healthy outlet. Third, he was reluctant at first but decided to be on board with no sex until marriage so we both didn’t know what we were getting regarding compatibility.
BUT…I took the wrong turn and it led into a deep dark filthy path. I snooped. At first it was from curiosity what type of porn he was watching. Would it be hot girls with big boobs doing crazy stuff? Would it be rape porn or child porn? When I snooped I found that his stuff was pretty much normal, just not-near-perfect looking people, having “normal” sex. On top of that the website he gets his porn from sensors out the …ahem…“body parts” so mostly you’d see 2 naked people with their “parts” mosaiced out, thrusting around and you’d need a bit of imagination. That made me feel better for less than a day.
The next day I wanted to know particularly “when” he had been watching in the past. It took me a while to figure out, checking dates downloaded, times the file was accessed, computer history and what each websites were…you can see I am getting pretty obsessed right? But figuring that out just made things worse, I would constantly think “how dare he!” or “what! But that day you said you had work to do!” etc….
That period was over the winter vacation, and we happened to not go anywhere this year to save money so I had too much time on my hands. The snooping got uglier and uglier almost every time he left his computer I walked into check if he had been watching porn. Of course sometimes I would find it and get pissed (kept it to myself), other times when I didn’t I would just think “maybe he’ll watching porn tonight or tomorrow” or “it’s been 5 days now since h elast watched so I know it has to be soon!”. In once incident I accidently screwed up his computer and it crashed, so I had to tried to get everything back to normal before he suspected. Another incident I actually deleted some of his stuff from rage (I admit that was very shameful).
Fast forward pass the holidays, I was getting worse. I had neither tactic nor shame and desperately snooped as an addiction. He’s a computer wiz, and little did I know that he sets up a monitoring program to protect his computer from hackers (since he leaves his computer on all day with no password). He didn’t want to doubt me but after the suspicious computer crash he went in and checked the logs and found out all my snooping. He decided to test his suspicion out and sure enough the days that he even clicked on a porn website or downloaded porn, a few hours later my face would show some awkward unhappiness and his computer log would show up that someone was going through his stuff. So he pretty much knew he’d caught me.
HOWEVER he decided to wait for me to come clean and be honest. He waited for over a month and nothing happened except the snooping got worse to the point he announced that he is setting up a password. I was furious and tried even harder to snoop…falling into another trap of being caught. He got bored of the game first so he kept asking me if I had anything to tell him. I kept lying through my teeth. Till yesterday he told me he was really tired of this and gave me one last chance to come clean. I continued to lie and then he told me about the computer log and that he knew all along and has been waiting for me to be honest. I argued back that I HAD to check because I didn’t know if he was keeping up to his word. And that I wanted to know if he was really only watching 10-15 minutes a week or was he also watching stuff over the web as well. His reply was “Oh so you don’t trust my word that I am trying?!”.
I posting this long post to say, I’m so so lost. As much as I dislike my SO to watch porn or masturbate instead of taking care of me, I never knew I would go this far and get this ugly. I’m pretty sure I spent more time thinking about him and porn than the actual time he was watching it. I am have lost my ability to trust without evidence and monitoring and my SO is not happy that I request that control over him. I am disgusted of myself and I’m ready to be scolded by the hive. I don’t know what happened to me it just turned into a very unhealthy addiction. My life is so miserable, ever since I feel the need to control my SO! Even my mother who always supports me says I am being ridiculous…I don’t know what went wrong, someone tell me how to stop!