Post # 1
Hi ladies, I haven’t posted since my first introductory post because I was trying to figure out on my way how to get a handle on my impatience but now I realize some advice might be helpful. I made myself several resolutions related to not nagging about proposing (no passive-aggressive comments, no crying, etc.) and I have been sticking to them reasonably well.
But now that I’ve started relaxing, not bothering him about it, etc. I can’t shake this nagging fear that it’s never going to happen. Despite all his reassurances that we are going to end up together someday (and there are plenty of them, daily), I just can’t help but feel that it doesn’t mean a single thing until there’s actually a ring on my finger, and until that happens I need to be hypervigilant to signs that it might not happen so that I can get out of the situation before it’s too late (i.e., before I’ve invested even more time and love into a relationship that doesn’t lead to marriage).
Please help me figure out some way to reassure myself, or at least calm myself down. He keeps telling me I need to trust him that he isn’t stringing me along, but I just can’t shake my fear that it’s never going to happen. Is there anything I can do? Any advice at all would be helpful . . . thanks so much.
Post # 3
I think you need to set yourself a date where if there is no ring on your finger by then then you tell him that he has one year/6months to propose or you need to move on. Try working it out backwards like this. (my examples, age and the latest I want to do that thing)
30- have first child
28- buy house
27- get married
So by this time table I’d tell my bf around my 25th birthday that i needed to be engaged within the year to stay in the relationship, otherwise I need to go find someone else who has a similar time line to me.
Obviously the timeline isn’t set in stone, but rather than say ‘maybe next month/week/year’ set yourself a date the relax till then!
Post # 4
I was in the same boat as you not all that long ago. My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had been living together for two years and I just felt so uneasy like, what if we never get married! I sat down one day with my mom and my sister crying (sobbing really) just saying how I didn’t know what to do. I was mid 20’s and what if I stayed with him another year (or more) and he never was ready to take the plunge. I expected for them both to say “leave him…” but my sister really surprised me.
She had dated her now husband for five and a half years before he proposed and felt the same way I did. But she said she finally realized that she was sure that she would never find someone as perfect for her as him and that she’d rather be with him and not married than not be with him at all. That really made me think about my relationship differently because I realized that it wasn’t the potential of him being my husband that made me loved him, I loved him because of him. He got around to proposing on his own and we’ve now been married for six months.
So maybe you just need to sit down and think about the reasons that you love your guy. It sounds like he really loves you and knows that its right, but for whatever reason wants to take his time to the alter. For my husband, there is A LOT of failed marriages (due to female infidelity) in his family and that made him a little gun shy when it came to marriage. Maybe your guy has some similar fears that have nothing to do with you and your nagging him won’t necessarily get him to the alter any sooner. If he is the only person that you could ever see yourself with could you see yourself with him without a ring on your finger? Is it worth risking what sounds like an otherwise great relationship for the possibility of never finding someone that makes you smile/laugh/feel loved/feel beautiful/secure in the same way your current guy does??
Sorry that is so much…I just think sometimes we all become so focused on the wedding/marriage as the “prize” when maybe the “prize” is simply finding the person you can’t live without!! Good luck!
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
Have you guys looked at rings, discussed a timeline for when you’d like to get married and possibly have kids? I know that these are all things my FH and I had talked about before getting engaged.
I was super-duper impatient when waiting and threw many a temper tantrum about it so you’re not alone in that. I think that talking through your idea of when you’d like to get married, etc and hearing his thoughts might be really helpful and give you a sense of whether he’s serious about proposing or not…
Post # 6
A few questions for you…
Has he said any type of timeline for when your engagement might happen (this year, next year, etc)? Or just “trust me”?
How long have you been dating? Your ages? Are you living together? For how long?
Post # 7
i absolutely feel where you’re coming from – what worked best for me was to stop and look at our relationship and ask myself if i was really, truly happy. it sounds trite, but if you’re happy in the relationship, and he keeps reassuring you that he wants to marry and be with you, then enjoy where the relationship is now.
my boyfriend (now fiance) is SUPER cautious – the proposal was 4.5 years in the making. and while it started to bother me when other people who had been together for a shorter time than us were getting engaged, it always helped me to remember what a solid and loving relationship we had, and how lucky we were.
i think that “futuremrsblt” said it best – the wedding should be the icing on the cake after finding the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. the “prize” is finding that person who you want to love forever.
Post # 8
Thank you to ALL of you for your thoughtful advice! I appreciate it so much.
@trailmix: We’ve discussed a timeline fairly concretely re: marriage because we are currently LDR while I’m in law school and the only way to make LDR work is to have a set endpoint. The timeline is less concrete re: children, but we both want three and so I’ve made it clear that there is an age before which I’d like to be done having kids. He’s been on-board so far with all my thoughts on timing. We haven’t looked at rings yet but he knows the style I want. I am actually not sure we’ll ever look at rings, even if we do end up engaged, because I’m pretty sure he thinks it should be an absolute, 100% surprise.
@prettyflowers: We’ve set a timeline in that I’ve said I want to be engaged by a certain time, otherwise I won’t feel comfortable moving to be with him (as I noted above, we’re LDR because of law school right now, and I’ve made it clear I’m not moving to his city without a commitment). We’ve been dating for a year and a half. We’re 26. Never lived together (we were in the same city for a year before I moved for school but each had our own apts).