Need help with a male coworker. Long, sorry

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

…Why is complaining to HR about him out?

Post # 4
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First, Stop making plans to do things with him, and offering to get him starbucks.. Those are things that give people the idea that you are friends and you obviously dont want to be his friend. be polite, corgial and not akward but you dont owe him any thing. Keep all of your conversations to very surface things. Remember hes your co-worker, not your firend. 

You can end the situation about the mall with a simple “I think im going to go alone.” He doesnt just get to come with you in YOUR car because he feels like it. 

and frankly if you dont say something becuase you dont want to be akward or hurt feelings, its your fault. 

Boundaries are extremely important and he isnt going to set them so its up to you. You might not have a lot of best guy friends in your office but you will have respect. I work in the “corportae world” and have to deal with this on a daily basis. You have to make your boundaries clear and stick to them. Sometimes its hard not to get caught up in the whole friend vs coworker thing but really, you dont need friends at work, especially ones that make you uncomfortable. 

Post # 7
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Make notes about what has happened so far in case he makes any false allegations about you coming on to him. Make sure they are dated so you can prove you didn’t make them up after the fact. You can easily do this by sending them to yourself in an email.

Then, DRAW THE LINE IN THE SAND FOR HIM. Stop trying to be a nice girl. No coffee, no lunch, no shopping together. He will always misinterpret any kind of social contact whatsoever.

Post # 8
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

From now on, if he tries to make plans with you, just tell him you have something “personal” to do, and leave it at that.  You don’t have to give him a rundown of what you’re doing on break.  Or, you could just say, “No, thanks” when he asks you out to lunch. 

Post # 9
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Shut it down.

You do NOT have to be nice to him because he’s being weird.

Don’t offer to do stuff with him. If he invites you to do stuff, tell him you don’t want to. If he insists, tell him that you have a lot on your plate. If he gets weird, look at him straight in the eye, and just say, ‘no’- you don’t have to be mean about it, but you do have to be firm. Start hanging out with other people in the office more, and only hang out with your coworker if it’s in a group. If he talks about his wife/home life, talk about how much you love your FI. Maybe have your FI stop by/pick you up more often.

You don’t have to be best office buds with him- you just have to work with him.

Good luck!

Post # 10
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@orchidaloha: I don’t think this is something I would go to HR about, but it could definitely escalate so like PPs have said KEEP RECORDS.


How long has this guy worked there?  If he’s been there awhile he may have latched on to someone else like this.

Post # 11
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@orchidaloha:  Is he your supervisor?  If not, then I would put together a carefuly worded email letting him know his comments made you feel uncomfortable and that you would prefer to keep things professional with coworkers.  Make sure to include the specific phrases he used.  By doing this you are putting him on notice of the inappropriate behavior and by saving a date/time stamped copy for yourself, you have something to show HR at a later date if his behavior becomes more inappropriate.  Oh, and don’t tell him where you are going in the future when he asks.  I wouldn’t invite him along on anything or allow him to invite himself along either.  If you couch things in terms of “professionalism” he should get the point and get over it.  He will only push the boundaries of your work relationship if you let him.  There is nothing wrong with telling him no and that his behavior makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 12
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Eh guys, what a weirdo! ckearly he has different reasons than you in majntaning this friendship.  I don’t think you did anything wrong sfrom what you’ve said so this guy is just being overly pushy in hopes of getting you into bed . 

does  this guy actually work for the same company?  I thought you said he worked few offices away but then how could you walk into his office and vice versa.  If its a dufferebt company ,first start by not going into their offuces all together.  If its same company its little trickier to cut ties without too much fallout.

I think the ‘adult’ thing would be to ask him to speak in private ,but that you don’t have time to go out just need a few min.  Simply tell him thst while you valued his friendship some of his commenst have made you feel uncomfortable,  that your thinking maybe he’s thinking that the relationship is more than friendship.  apoligize that  if you have given him the wrong  idea that didnt mean it , that you are happily engaged and not looking for a piece on the side. tell him you have agreement w FI to not speak to opposites sex friends about relationship problems (yours or theirs) and that you are uncomfortable with compromising fi’s trust , that  you don’t want to hear about  his marital problems .  

im sure this guy will get defensive and act like he’d never be interested in you in a million years (though we know he is) I also doubt he’d ever ask you to go for coffee again , or anything else for that matter .  Hopefully he isn’t a catty Beeotch and will keep his mouth shut around the office but you know him I don’t.  If he’s the type to talk about others be prepared to hear the office rumors and such . 

i would just maintain a friendly matter of fact tone , keep it light.  If he gets pushy just ignore his comments and keep to your per-determined ‘speech . If he makes comments about your looks ignore them. if he insults you, ignore it.  After you say what you need to say tellhim that  unfortunately , you are swamped and walk back to your desk.  If he doesn’t get the point and asks you out again in future just say NO THANKS , no other excuse needed.  If he pesters you for reason just say you don’t want or need to go anywhere thanks anyway.  say this every time And hopefully this guy gets the hint. 

Post # 14
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@orchidaloha:  I guess I don’t understand why your manager wouldn’t deal with his, nor why he would act liket his to someone in HR.

Aside from talking to your manager, shut him down. Tell him no. Stop offering to get him things. Stop telling him where you’re going. Tell him outright that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that it needs to stop.

Post # 15
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@orchidaloha:  I just read your update.  Good for you.  Just keep saying no.  The guy doesn’t know he’s harassing you if you’re offering to get coffee and lunch with him.  From now on, when he asks if you want to get coffee, say you’re busy.  If he wants to get lunch, you’ve already got plans.  Never say yes.

If he doesn’t get the hint and starts whining about how you’re not friends anymore, tell him, “You made a comment about my dress that made me feel uncomfortable, and since you’re married and I’m engaged, I think it’s best to keep our relationship professional.”  And stick to it.  Don’t let him tell you it’s no big deal or pressure you to spend time with him.  You have the right to say no.  

Post # 16
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Just keep turning him down. If he can’t separate a working relationship from a friendship then that is his problem. Let him be a drama queen if you don’t want to go to lunch with him.

By the way it is really creepy that he just invited himself to the mall with you. Some people are so awkward and rude.

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