Need help with husband and financial anxiety issues

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
362 posts
Helper bee

I would make it more obvious that it is both your money and bills now that your married.  It doesn’t matter who makes less or more and if a bill was missed or money is tight it is both your responsibility, rather than trying to blame the other person which is not healthy in a relationship.  I would set out a set budget together as a couple and put all the bills you can on autopay from a joint account that both your paychecks go into so noone can be blamed about a missed payment or low valence as it is both your money.  Then keep a separate savings account for whatever money after all the bills are paid and have a rule not to complain about what the other spends a long as all the bills are paid.  Sounds like you bee some relaxing time as a couple so maybe you can go on free dates like festivals, brewery tours, camping, park games, picnics etc until you are more financially stable

Post # 5
28 posts

Do I understand correctly that you feel anxious about his behavior and not your financial situation?

It sounds like he feels some anxiety about the finances. Sounds like he hasn’t found his stable footing yet, which is probably contributing to those feelings.  If he had some structure, it might help him feel more secure.  What if you sat down with him and/or a financial advisor and worked out a financial plan that you both agree with?  If he knew what to expect and felt there was a plan in place, he would probably not be as anxious and not pass that anxiety off to you.


Post # 7
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He got laid off so he sees that money is fleeting so its causing his anxiety whether or not the money is actually the problem. A very valid concern.

I actually think his approach to come home with a plan is a very mature response, but I can also see how you take it as a personal affront at your skills in money management.

I think you both should sit down together and come up with a calender that marks when money is expected to come in, when bills are expected to be paid and create a general budget on it. Sure you can do this without writing it down, but it will help him with his anxiety and maybe remind you both the next time there is an event that causes a bill to be missed.

It certainly can not do any harm, but can go a long way in helping your DH feel more secure in your cash flow (Ie since you only get paid once a month) And it will only help your relationship. Money is a sticky issue so keeping everything transparent is always a good idea.

And then when the calender is made, you can remind him that you two are starting over right now in regards to finances and you need him to trust you to do what you need to do and you will tust him to do the same. It may be good to have a once monthly conversation about expected expenses the next month from normal household expenses to birthday presents, vacations, etc to make sure you are on the same page .

Post # 8
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@KarenA:  You poor thing!  This sounds just awful.  It’s one of those times where it’s like nothing’s wrong, but everything is wrong and you can’t see a way through it.  I’ve been there (not with money, but in other ways).

I don’t have any good advice about how to deal with money, but I’ve been reading some books on marriage (The Seven Principles of Marriage by Gottman is pretty fun and informative, if you like to read), and it turns out that money is one of the top five things married couples fight about!  In fact, it may even be number one.  So if it helps at all, remember that you are not alone.  Dealing with money puts a strain on many married couples.

Secondly, as I was reading your post, it sounded to me like underneath all the money worries, crummy honeymoon, family fights, and everything else you’ve been dealing with, you might feel sad that the first year of marriage has been awful for you, and who could blame you?  Everywhere you look, people are talking about how happy newlyweds are, how much sex they have, how much they love their new families, blah blah blah.  Where are all the newlyweds talking about money woes, fights, diminishing sex lives, divergent interests, feeling isolated in your new role as wife/husband?  Because I swear, they’ve got to be out there!  Still, it seems all we hear about is the people who have good first years or wonderful marriages from the get-go, and that makes it feel extra crummy when it doesn’t happen for you.

So maybe you could try asking yourself some corny questions like, “What are we really fighting about, is it all about the money or is about something else (fear of a forever commitment, learning to share power, etc.)?” Or something like, “If our money problems disappeared tomorrow, would everything fall into place perfectly?”  Maybe if you think about the issue from a new perspective, it will help you come up with a different solution?

I hope I don’t sound like a know-it-all; I’ve just had it happen so many times to me where I think one thing is the problem and then, a year or two later, I realize there was other stuff behind it, too.  It’s worth thinking about, anyway.  Good luck!  I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough start to your marriage. 🙁


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