- 3 years ago
Hi everyone, I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible but please bear with me.
We have been married just over 11 months and this has been the hardest almost-year of my life. Husband was laid off last year 2 months before the wedding and for 8 months after. He went into a good depression due to not bringing in his usual amount of money even though he was able to pay his half of the bills through unemployment insurance. We almost died on our honeymoon (not kidding, had an earthquake on day 2 and had to come home early – long drawn out battle with the airline followed and we got screwed). I was the main breadwinner as I have been for the last few years and I don’t think that helped at all. I tried my best to keep him happy, I didn’t ask him to put out any money towards anything, not even groceries. He wanted a pool, I bought him one. We went out to the movies or dinner, I paid. Etc, etc. Then in Oct things at work started getting tough, had a coworker stealing my clients and hogging new ones for herself, had a fall out with the owner of the clinic, just basically felt like I didn’t belong and wasn’t wanted and the worst was, as close as we were in that clinic, no one noticed I was hurting. On top of this I had an epic battle with my family and didn’t talk to them for 4 months. Christmas rolled around and we had next to no money to buy gifts so we didn’t buy each other anything. New Years we went out for the first time in months and got into a fight in the bar followed by both of us crying. I actually had a decent month in Dec so I thought it would be nice to take a second honeymoon since the first one was so bad, husband finally agreed (I was going with or without him at that point) and off we went. First 2 days we did nothing but fight but things were more on track by the end of the week than they had been since we got married. We go home, he gets a job offer. Things start turning around. 1 month into his new job he decides he hates it and starts looking for something else which he found about a month ago. He now says he loves his new job but I’m hesitant to believe that since he loved the other job until about the same amount of time. During the time he was laid off he started getting really uptight about finances which I understand since he was forced to tighten the purse strings but this has gone way too far. I’m paid monthly and its been that way for the 2 years I’ve been at this company. He is paid weekly with this new job. Every month within a week of my pay date he starts asking when I get paid and when am I going to put money in the mortgage account. Keep in mind I get paid on the same date every month which I remind him of every month. Well, two months ago I missed paying our phone bill because his uncle (who I was close with) passed away suddenly and in the grief I didn’t realize I didn’t get a bill. So last month I had a double phone bill ($450). I’m also self employed so I have to pay installments on my income tax monthly ($200). So I had extra expenses last month that I don’t normally have and ended up with no extra money for anything, gas, food, coffee, whatever for the rest of the month. We have a joint mortgage account that we both put money in for the mortgage and house bills and we both overpay it just to make sure there’s enough in there, there’s usually a couple hundred extra. So I used $100 out of that account over the month for gas and food and coffee. Last night I came home after a crappy day at work and he immediately started in on me about every last cent I’ve spent out of that account, right down to $5.88 I spent at Target on lunch yesterday, which I actually intended to put on my credit card to avoid him bitching at me but because he called me to ask when I was getting paid I used the wrong card by mistake. He told me I need to get another job as we have had no money since I started working there which is crap because I make more than he does. He freaked about the phone bill being behind last month even though it’s caught up now and said he was going to cancel it. Well, I pay that bill so thats not even his problem, as I pointed out to him.
So, basically, I’ve had it. I’ve tried explaining to him that his behaviour makes me feel like he thinks I’m an idiot and incapable of handling money or that he doesn’t trust me. I equated it to a nagging housewife that is never happy about anything which is how I feel. I was so upset I was up this morning at 4:30 as I couldn’t sleep. I asked him to go stay at his parents for the next week as I need space and he refused. He came home tonight wanting to talk about this and had a plan of action that wasn’t necessary that he didn’t discuss with me, just went ahead and did. He totally missed the mark that I’m upset about him monitoring my spending and nagging, he thinks I’m upset because we don’t have any money. I tried explaining all this again but he just doesn’t get it.
What am I supposed to do? How do we fix this? I can’t live like this any more. Help!