Need Help with Waiting and Trust

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
653 posts
Busy bee

You guys are still extremely young.  With that being said.  I think it’s time you lay down a mental timeline.  How long are you willing to wait?  Let’s be realistic- YOU have the biological time clock and he doesn’t.  Men don’t see why they need to get married before “30” or whatever magic number they pick, but if this doesn’t work out you still have to break up, meet someone, click, and marry them.  That is a lot!  So do yourself a favor and give yourself X amount of time to chill out, and then bring it up again.  If he is still not open to the idea of getting engaged/married after that X amount of time it might be time to walk.

Post # 3
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Hi there and welcome — I promise you’ll find lots of good support here!  The bees are amazing.  

I can definitely relate to your situation, as I’ve been there pretty much exactly, except that we’re a bit older than you are.  I’m a planner, super Type A and once I know what I want, I generally make it happen.  Obviously, getting engaged doesn’t really work like that — at least not if you’re a traditional girl (which I am). I had a lot of anxiety about not being in control, to be honest.  

I think you’re thinking about and doing all of the right things.  You were honest with your BF about your needs, you had a conversation about expectations and what you both want, and now you need to exercise that muscle called patience.  For a while, I drove my BF nuts always wanting a timeline, needing reassurance that it was going to happen and doing the biological clock math in my head (like I said, we’re a bit older).  It become a source of a lot of tension and negativity in our relationship…and like you I sometimes worried that he’d propose for me, not because it was what he really wanted.  Or that if he loved me more, he’d have proposed more quickly.  Let me just tell you — if you’re with a great guy that you trust, that’s just your mind playing mean tricks. Everyone comes to be ready to take this HUGE life-changing step forward in different ways, and at different times….that others get engaged faster says NOTHING about your relationship.  In fact, the data says that being a bit older, and together a bit longer is generally a predictor of a longer, happier marriage.  

Anyway, once we had the timeline discussion, I felt SO much relief.  And it sounds like you do, too.  He’s told you where his head is, you guys are in agreement about the general timing and it sounds like he’s never given you any reason not to trust him.  While I hear you on being able to talk about it casually, my advice would be to just “shut up” (a bee-term!) for a bit.  I did, and suddenly I found my BF bringing it up occassionally.  I think my backing down a bit gave him some space to step up.  

When you need to talk about it, come here!  But definitely also do what you said you want to do — enjoy this time!  You’ll never be “dating” again once he proposes, so focus on building your life and your career and being happy with a guy who sounds like he’s great and genuine in his love for you! 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Meredith80.
Post # 5
274 posts
Helper bee

quetzal:  you and I are in similar situations. My bf and I have been together longer (4.5 years) but have only been living together 4 months. We are both 24 and it’s also my first long-term sexual relationship. I am also someone who likes to be in control of my future and I feel exactly like you described especially about not letting the biological clock tick any longer than it needs to and feeling insecure because it’s taking so long compared to other couples. The insecure feeling is particularly sucky when my bf is so good to me otherwise so I feel frustrated with myself not being able to be grateful for what I have. And it’s even harder when you have nobody to talk to about this because you don’t want them to think you are crazy/needy. So yeah, I totally feel you. If you figure out the secret to making this crappy insecure/frustrated feeling go away please do share :p …. You may find people’s responses to my similar post helpful.


  • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  lalanono.
Post # 6
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

quetzal: I was also in a similar situation. I am type A also and really organised love planning etc. When i was 24 i was 2 yrs with my SO and although i didnt want to get engaged and get married at the time and we werent even living together then.. Everything slowly went into place, i moved into his apartment when we were dating for 3 yrs (i was then 25) and we set a date for the wedding (he was saying 2017 i said 2015 but we both agreed on 2016 after all). Without really talking about it we went on holiday to the US and ended going ring shopping at Tiffany’s just to get an idea. I am still not engaged at 26 but he has the ring in the house since three weeks ago and i am expecting an official proposal any day from now till Christmas. I totally understand that you want to be engaged already because you see other couples getting engaged younger than you or who have been dating less time than you guys (i feel the same way) but although its really hard you should not compare your relationship to other relationships.. You should enjoy being yound and carefree with your boyfriend. 2.5 yrs in a realtionship is not that long time. A friend of mine got engaged when they dating only 1 year and got married in a rush and ended up having a baby and she is so young but they cant even go on a vacation they dont have any help with the baby- they are struggling with money issues and she cant even have a carreer because she stays all day in the house taking care of the baby- i would be depressed if i was in her shoes.. That being said i think your SO might have you a bit too for granted since you moved in with him so early on and you might seem needy to him since you mention marriage too often.. I trully believe he loves and wants to marry you its just that guys are not in a rush as we are they are more relaxed about it and since he knows you want to marry him he doesnt worry he will lose you. In order to speed things up i think you should take it easy and make him feel that since you guys are not engaged or smth he might lose you because you are young and dont have a lot experience with men so you might have reconsidered if he actually is the one.. You should make him doubt that you still want to marry him.. You can do that without saying a word to him.. You should go out with friends and have fun – since you are still single and show him you are having fun without him and other guys are interested in you.. If he gets jealous he will also get really posesive about you and will speed things about and also you will feel better if you see that other guys are also interested in you. Finally your priority should be to be happy in your relationship and you sound quite stressed so you should be working more on being happy and relaxed and he should be stressing out that he might lose you or that he isnt good enough! I hope i helped! Awaiting to hear your positive news!! 🙂

Post # 7
213 posts
Helper bee

I believe in being open and honest in these kind of situations, as to avoid resentful feelings. I also don’t think the guy should get to set the timeline, you should get a say as well. Personally I always talked to my guy about my needs/wants/concerns, even though it was sometimes a bit awkward to bring up. I am someone who obsesses over things in my mind so I just let it all out. It worked out well for me, so I hope the same goes for you! Best of luck!!

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