- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
So I’m hoping someone can give me constructive advice as I don’t get any from people I’m closest to.
I’m a naturally talkative person, have been since I started talking at 6 months! I used to get in trouble in school for being too talkative. To combat this, my parents taught me to only speak to adults when spoken to…poor people! As an adult I rarely stick to this rule.
My exH’s family was a quiet bunch and we’d go to see them (lived in the same area) and my exH would tell me that I talked too much. He’d resort to kicking me under the table if I didn’t shut up. After several years of this, I started becoming quiet and wouldn’t “start” a conversation with them. If they asked me something, I’d give them 1 or 2 sentences and then end it. Eventually, they quit asking questions and I would sit there all night not saying a thing for fear of them thinking I was talking too much. In their eyes, I guess it looked like I didn’t like them anymore.
It was really sad b/c they didn’t know that my grandma was dying or my childhood dog was sick, etc. unless my exH told them…which he usually didn’t. When I left my exH, my exMIL sent me an email saying “I’m sorry we’ve hadn’t talked in a while the way we used to years ago! There were obviously (personal) things that were bothering you.”
Now that I’m remarried, DH has started making comments about when we are out with friends or most recently, his dad/stepmom. He says I talk too much and that the convos are one-sided. I figured “WOW! I really DO have a problem!” and have been more “cautious” of the situation.
He got upset after a dinner date w/a couple and said that I talked the entire time to the female. I stated if I had talked the entire time, then how come she mentioned her DH’s kids and who they were dating, her brother and his divorce and his new GF, etc. etc. DH said he didn’t realize she said all that but it seemed like I was always the one in the back seat talking…which upset me b/c him and the guy were talking in the front seat…like DH is “monitoring” the length of me talking.
I understand that I’m to blame most of the time but DH also likes to talk and he’ll interrupt my story and proceed to tell it…even if it happened before he met me! He’s done this many times. The people usually look at him like he’s crazy for telling MY childhood story.
He interrupts a lot…sometimes making me lose my train of thought. He’s mentioned that some topics (my parents’ dog dying) shouldn’t be discussed…even though these people share (sometimes just told us) the same stories. He interrupts even if it’s just the 2 of us also. He says he does it b/c otherwise he’d never get to talk. I told him I’ll talk to GFs about some of the stuff to give his ears a break…then after a few days, he’ll say I’m being “distant” b/c I’m not talking about the same stuff he didn’t want to hear about.
To make matters worse, DH will bring up his (crazy) exGF. She was a bartender and was good at making “friends” and tried to “teach” DH how to be more charismatic. He’s constantly telling me how SHE had convos w/people. I politely tell him she was a liar (he’s told me she was) and would spin anything to make it seem like she had something in common with the person even if she had NO experience with it. But she was believable. He’s let up on talking about her b/c he knows it pisses me off that he compares her to me with our friend-making abilities.
I’ve been trying to work on this but now DH says that I’m becoming reserved and “not myself” lately when around friends, etc. He’s said some pretty hurtful things and it’s mostly among the lines of “Friends/family/etc. think YOU don’t like them b/c you aren’t talking much! Why can’t you just be yourself???”
I obviously have a problem with the 2 extremes…does anyone have any suggestions?