To put this shortly, my soon to be in laws are mean. They are the type of people that have an opinion on anything and everything. They are not paying for anything and think that this wedding that I'm planning and paying for is a waste of money etc etc. This is his second marriage. His mother is a Smother, very controlling etc. If you say or suggest something that she doesn't like, she will berate you until you give into her and say her viewpoint is the right one. This is all background and sets the stage for the problem...
Here's the problem. His mother doesn't take care of her hair (or even the rest of herself). I'm not sure if it is that she doesn't like people touching her or her hair, she doesn't have the money, whatever. Anyway, I thought that it would be lovely if I bought her a gift certificate to get her hair done on the day of the wedding. I discussed it with my FH and he didn't think it was a good idea. So I left it alone and told him not to say anything. Then, yesterday he picked me up from the commuter train and told me that he had raised the subject with his mother. Accordng to what he said, I am a horrible person for suggesting that and she will absolutely not have her hair done. Basically, I'm now in her bad books for trying to be kind and include her in the wedding day festivities.
Hive, what do I do now? Do I write her a note and apologize for trying to do something nice for her? What do I say? Do I leave it alone and have her hate me for the rest of her life? She will hold a grudge forever...
P.S. Yes, I know that FH threw ME under the bus when bringing it up with her. We will be discussing that at some point today..
well yes FI did make you look bad. you should talk to him abt what he did, as u dint bring it up with MIL and he had suggested u drop the idea. he should have stood up for. in anycase just let MIL know you were misunderstood and u suggested the gift so that she looks her best at her sons wedding. if she says rude things, just let it be and forget all about it.
I would definitely address the situation and not ignore it, if you feel more comfortable writing a note you might do that. It might be best to do it over the phone if not in person, just mention that you didn't mean to offend her and you just wanted to have her share in the wedding activities and would love to have her there, and how much it would mean to you. However she responds from there is up to her, but you can definitely be the bigger person. I'm sorry, this sounds very frustrating =(
I would do...nothing! All that a note or discussion will do is irate her more. This is a special kind of person you are dealing with, one who will never be pleased or happy and will probably never like you -- at no fault of your own. I would bet my life that any attempt at apology or explanation would be viewed as condescending, hostile, or argumentative. There are certain people you can never please. My advice would be to let it go, concentrate on the positive things in your wedding, and accept the fact you can't do anything to change her. If she looks like a hot mess at the wedding, well who cares. you dont have to frame those pictures ha ha. When you see her, act nice like you don't even know about it. Good luck!!
I feel like how I would handle it would depend on how he broached the subject, did he phrase it in a way that made it seem like you are going to be embarassed to have her in pictures or in a way that made it seem like you were trying to include her? I would say something myself if he made it seem like you were trying to include her but if he was trying to pressure her into conforming to your wishes I would make him say something.
Yeah after you have words with FH you should talk to her and say that you just wanted it to be a gift from you to her. My FMIL has dark circles under her eyes and her hair always seems to look messy so I suggested she have her hair done when his sisters is being done (she is a bridesmaid) so maybe if you put it that way. Otherwise FH needs to make things right with his mom. Good Luck
Thanks to all for your advice... I really appreciate it. It has helped to vent a bit about it on here.
Update: I haven't done anything yet. I can't help but feel hurt that she reacted this way. She really is the type of person that will hold on to a grudge forever. I really do want to have a good relationship with her, but it looks like it might not happen now. That makes me sad. Up until now, we had the sort of relationship where she was nice to my face, but nasty behind my back (example: as I am the woman, I should be cleaning my FH's apartment when I am over there. It's my job to clean up his mess. I am his fiancee not his maid. That's just one of the more PG things she's said. She's also said that I am a golddigger, a power hungry workaholic, and that I will be a bad mother if I continue to work after having children.)
As I joked to my mother last night, the only good thing out of this is that now I know to tell the photographer to steer clear of her if she is looking like a hot mess. Sad, but true. And I also have a free pass from seeing them for a while!
In the end, my FH knows what she's like and has told me that once we get married, it will be him and I, and a lot less of his family. Good thing he loves mine! :)
I've found the best thing to do with my in laws is to ignore what they say.... and do what I want. I've stopped asking for permission and started doing things, if they say something negative... I leave the room.
You don't owe her an apology.. tell you fiance he needs to deal with his mother. If he doesnt... maybe you should rethink you're groom.
Yay maureen! I absolutely agree. It's too bad if your FILs are a bunch of jerks, but there's nothing you can do about it.
My SIL is really a piece of work - although after me spending the year of our engagement basically ignoring her or calling her (nicely, and that's a big effort) on her BS, she has toned it down quite a bit. If she only talks behind your back, that's great - you can completely ignore it. If she says stuff to your face, really the best thing to do is act like you don't care and move on. She's looking for some kind of drama, I would bet.
So when she starts in about what a horrible mother you will be, rather than trotting out statistics about how babies in good daycares are actually more advanced and have better social skills that those confined at home, just say "I'm so sorry you feel that way." And then change the subject. If she harps about your FI's messy apartment, tell her "It is quite bad, isn't it? I'm sure he was raised better." And change the subject. If she seems to be trying hard to tell you that YOU should do something (like clean up the apartment), just say "Well, you should definately go ahead and do that if you feel so strongly about it. I'm just going to (read this magazine, make another gin-and-tonic, shave my head and join a cult, etc)." Eventually she will realize she's not getting the reaction she wants, and she will stop. Plus, it will be funny to watch - she's probably never been ignored like that in her life, and she won't quite know what to do.
Amen, maureen9004 and suzanno! Took the words right out of my mouth. My future in-laws are completely insane. Until I finally took a stand against them and stated my opinion, I got bullied - big time! (especially by my future MIL) Also, my FH had to realize that it was HIS JOB to keep his parents in line. Obviously, your FH thought his mom's hair needed help too, and he didn't want to look like the bad guy. (Like you said, he "threw you under the bus") Hopefully your FH learns that next time and every time after that he needs to support you -- even if it makes him look bad. (I only say that because my FH never wanted to look "bad" in front of his parents, so he wouldn't confront them. He learned that just made things worse.)
And next time you see future MIL, just be your same nice self and do not bring up the hair incident. If she brings it up to you, I would have your FH standing next to you or nearby, so he can further explain how he messed up! You don't need to explain yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Good luck.
I just saw your update! Sorry, I should read previous posts more closely. I'm glad that your FH is in agreement with you about how awful his mother is. That's the first step! I understand your frustration with the future MIL criticisms. My future MIL likes to remind me every time I see her that her son is "fat" and has "gained lots of weight" lately and that I should be cooking him more nutritious meals. She also thinks I need to actively watch his food intake and his exercise schedule. I just smile politely and nod. It's just so ridiculous it doesn't deserve a response.
People say marriage is the union of two people, but the reality is that it is union of both families and friends. I honestly would try to get back on her good side. I know it will be hard, but think of all the dreadful holidays and weekend visits for the next 20-30 years. Here is what I suggest, say that your FH misinterpreted your suggestion (well, he put you on the hot spot first, it's okay, he's her son). Say that what you meant was you wanted to treat her to a girls pampering session with some of your bridesmaids (appoint a few brave ones if not all) before the wedding. Say this was meant as a fun gift to her for giving you her son. Pour as much sugar on as possible. Good Luck!
It's totally true that marriage unites families. (Thank heavens we don't actually have to live with our in-laws.) I'm going to step in again and say that actually it's the responsibility of everyone in the family to get along. Making yourself some kind of doormat for every criticism or hormonal whim of your MIL is not going to make for any happy holidays - especially if it encourages her to go on treating you badly. And please resist the urge to make yourself the designated peacemaker, as that is also a thankless position.
And quite frankly, what I heard you say is that your FILs are chronically this way. FMIL isn't upset over some isolated incident - she is just a b*tch. Trust me, no amount of groveling (or sugar, as we might like to call it) is going to change that. It's just going to make you feel even worse, and if she's the kind of person who enjoys mistreating others, it will just make her act worse.
A simple apology or explanation may be in order, but honestly if she doesn't bring it up I wouldn't either. It's your FH who put his foot in it - if you can figure out exactly what he said you may be able to help him craft an appropriate rewording. But YOU don't owe your FMIL an apology for something that HE said. He should go do any fixing that's needed. Putting yourself in the middle of what are technically disagreements between him and his mother (about what a sloppy housekeeper he is, or how fat and out of shape he is) is not appropriate either.
Funny..on my first reply I was gonna say that my MIL started hating me for no reason...she also thinks I'm a money hungry bitch...apparently she hated me all along but before she didn't show it....
I agree with suzanno...if your MIL is usually this way no amount of caring, ass kissing or sugar and candy will turn her around.
Ideally, families should be together and try to be nice...sometimes you just CAN'T. As heartbreakin' as it is...it's better to get used to the idea now than one day wake up and receive a crash course on why your MIL hates you. I was so shocked when that happened to me....I cried for weeks!
To put this shortly, my soon to be in laws are mean. They are the type of people that have an opinion on anything and everything. They are not paying for anything and think that this wedding that I'm planning and paying for is a waste of money etc etc. This is his second marriage. His mother is a Smother, very controlling etc. If you say or suggest something that she doesn't like, she will berate you until you give into her and say her viewpoint is the right one. This is all background and sets the stage for the problem...
Here's the problem. His mother doesn't take care of her hair (or even the rest of herself). I'm not sure if it is that she doesn't like people touching her or her hair, she doesn't have the money, whatever. Anyway, I thought that it would be lovely if I bought her a gift certificate to get her hair done on the day of the wedding. I discussed it with my FH and he didn't think it was a good idea. So I left it alone and told him not to say anything. Then, yesterday he picked me up from the commuter train and told me that he had raised the subject with his mother. Accordng to what he said, I am a horrible person for suggesting that and she will absolutely not have her hair done. Basically, I'm now in her bad books for trying to be kind and include her in the wedding day festivities.
Hive, what do I do now? Do I write her a note and apologize for trying to do something nice for her? What do I say? Do I leave it alone and have her hate me for the rest of her life? She will hold a grudge forever...
P.S. Yes, I know that FH threw ME under the bus when bringing it up with her. We will be discussing that at some point today..
posted by StephMay1609 12 posts 3 months agowell yes FI did make you look bad. you should talk to him abt what he did, as u dint bring it up with MIL and he had suggested u drop the idea. he should have stood up for. in anycase just let MIL know you were misunderstood and u suggested the gift so that she looks her best at her sons wedding. if she says rude things, just let it be and forget all about it.
:)
posted by ginger 50 posts 3 months agoI would definitely address the situation and not ignore it, if you feel more comfortable writing a note you might do that. It might be best to do it over the phone if not in person, just mention that you didn't mean to offend her and you just wanted to have her share in the wedding activities and would love to have her there, and how much it would mean to you. However she responds from there is up to her, but you can definitely be the bigger person. I'm sorry, this sounds very frustrating =(
posted by Jen4637 117 posts 3 months agoI would do...nothing! All that a note or discussion will do is irate her more. This is a special kind of person you are dealing with, one who will never be pleased or happy and will probably never like you -- at no fault of your own. I would bet my life that any attempt at apology or explanation would be viewed as condescending, hostile, or argumentative. There are certain people you can never please. My advice would be to let it go, concentrate on the positive things in your wedding, and accept the fact you can't do anything to change her. If she looks like a hot mess at the wedding, well who cares. you dont have to frame those pictures ha ha. When you see her, act nice like you don't even know about it. Good luck!!
posted by NorthCarolinaBride2B 47 posts 3 months agoI feel like how I would handle it would depend on how he broached the subject, did he phrase it in a way that made it seem like you are going to be embarassed to have her in pictures or in a way that made it seem like you were trying to include her? I would say something myself if he made it seem like you were trying to include her but if he was trying to pressure her into conforming to your wishes I would make him say something.
posted by nmn838 35 posts 3 months agoYeah after you have words with FH you should talk to her and say that you just wanted it to be a gift from you to her. My FMIL has dark circles under her eyes and her hair always seems to look messy so I suggested she have her hair done when his sisters is being done (she is a bridesmaid) so maybe if you put it that way. Otherwise FH needs to make things right with his mom. Good Luck
posted by jennred782 39 posts 3 months agoIn my experience....once the MIL has something against you...it NEVER goes away...everything you do will have a double meaning...
Don't do anything...and don't apologize. Your FI should do the talking.
posted by V 227 posts 3 months agoThanks to all for your advice... I really appreciate it. It has helped to vent a bit about it on here.
Update: I haven't done anything yet. I can't help but feel hurt that she reacted this way. She really is the type of person that will hold on to a grudge forever. I really do want to have a good relationship with her, but it looks like it might not happen now. That makes me sad. Up until now, we had the sort of relationship where she was nice to my face, but nasty behind my back (example: as I am the woman, I should be cleaning my FH's apartment when I am over there. It's my job to clean up his mess. I am his fiancee not his maid. That's just one of the more PG things she's said. She's also said that I am a golddigger, a power hungry workaholic, and that I will be a bad mother if I continue to work after having children.)
As I joked to my mother last night, the only good thing out of this is that now I know to tell the photographer to steer clear of her if she is looking like a hot mess. Sad, but true. And I also have a free pass from seeing them for a while!
In the end, my FH knows what she's like and has told me that once we get married, it will be him and I, and a lot less of his family. Good thing he loves mine! :)
Thanks again!
posted by StephMay1609 12 posts 3 months agoI've found the best thing to do with my in laws is to ignore what they say.... and do what I want. I've stopped asking for permission and started doing things, if they say something negative... I leave the room.
You don't owe her an apology.. tell you fiance he needs to deal with his mother. If he doesnt... maybe you should rethink you're groom.
posted by maureen9004 256 posts 3 months agoYay maureen! I absolutely agree. It's too bad if your FILs are a bunch of jerks, but there's nothing you can do about it.
My SIL is really a piece of work - although after me spending the year of our engagement basically ignoring her or calling her (nicely, and that's a big effort) on her BS, she has toned it down quite a bit. If she only talks behind your back, that's great - you can completely ignore it. If she says stuff to your face, really the best thing to do is act like you don't care and move on. She's looking for some kind of drama, I would bet.
So when she starts in about what a horrible mother you will be, rather than trotting out statistics about how babies in good daycares are actually more advanced and have better social skills that those confined at home, just say "I'm so sorry you feel that way." And then change the subject. If she harps about your FI's messy apartment, tell her "It is quite bad, isn't it? I'm sure he was raised better." And change the subject. If she seems to be trying hard to tell you that YOU should do something (like clean up the apartment), just say "Well, you should definately go ahead and do that if you feel so strongly about it. I'm just going to (read this magazine, make another gin-and-tonic, shave my head and join a cult, etc)." Eventually she will realize she's not getting the reaction she wants, and she will stop. Plus, it will be funny to watch - she's probably never been ignored like that in her life, and she won't quite know what to do.
posted by suzanno 1,953 posts 3 months agoAmen, maureen9004 and suzanno! Took the words right out of my mouth. My future in-laws are completely insane. Until I finally took a stand against them and stated my opinion, I got bullied - big time! (especially by my future MIL) Also, my FH had to realize that it was HIS JOB to keep his parents in line. Obviously, your FH thought his mom's hair needed help too, and he didn't want to look like the bad guy. (Like you said, he "threw you under the bus") Hopefully your FH learns that next time and every time after that he needs to support you -- even if it makes him look bad. (I only say that because my FH never wanted to look "bad" in front of his parents, so he wouldn't confront them. He learned that just made things worse.)
And next time you see future MIL, just be your same nice self and do not bring up the hair incident. If she brings it up to you, I would have your FH standing next to you or nearby, so he can further explain how he messed up! You don't need to explain yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Good luck.
posted by carly7215 65 posts 3 months agoI just saw your update! Sorry, I should read previous posts more closely. I'm glad that your FH is in agreement with you about how awful his mother is. That's the first step! I understand your frustration with the future MIL criticisms. My future MIL likes to remind me every time I see her that her son is "fat" and has "gained lots of weight" lately and that I should be cooking him more nutritious meals. She also thinks I need to actively watch his food intake and his exercise schedule. I just smile politely and nod. It's just so ridiculous it doesn't deserve a response.
posted by carly7215 65 posts 3 months agoPeople say marriage is the union of two people, but the reality is that it is union of both families and friends. I honestly would try to get back on her good side. I know it will be hard, but think of all the dreadful holidays and weekend visits for the next 20-30 years. Here is what I suggest, say that your FH misinterpreted your suggestion (well, he put you on the hot spot first, it's okay, he's her son). Say that what you meant was you wanted to treat her to a girls pampering session with some of your bridesmaids (appoint a few brave ones if not all) before the wedding. Say this was meant as a fun gift to her for giving you her son. Pour as much sugar on as possible. Good Luck!
posted by Tulips 16 posts 3 months agoIt's totally true that marriage unites families. (Thank heavens we don't actually have to live with our in-laws.) I'm going to step in again and say that actually it's the responsibility of everyone in the family to get along. Making yourself some kind of doormat for every criticism or hormonal whim of your MIL is not going to make for any happy holidays - especially if it encourages her to go on treating you badly. And please resist the urge to make yourself the designated peacemaker, as that is also a thankless position.
And quite frankly, what I heard you say is that your FILs are chronically this way. FMIL isn't upset over some isolated incident - she is just a b*tch. Trust me, no amount of groveling (or sugar, as we might like to call it) is going to change that. It's just going to make you feel even worse, and if she's the kind of person who enjoys mistreating others, it will just make her act worse.
A simple apology or explanation may be in order, but honestly if she doesn't bring it up I wouldn't either. It's your FH who put his foot in it - if you can figure out exactly what he said you may be able to help him craft an appropriate rewording. But YOU don't owe your FMIL an apology for something that HE said. He should go do any fixing that's needed. Putting yourself in the middle of what are technically disagreements between him and his mother (about what a sloppy housekeeper he is, or how fat and out of shape he is) is not appropriate either.
posted by suzanno 1,953 posts 3 months agoFunny..on my first reply I was gonna say that my MIL started hating me for no reason...she also thinks I'm a money hungry bitch...apparently she hated me all along but before she didn't show it....
I agree with suzanno...if your MIL is usually this way no amount of caring, ass kissing or sugar and candy will turn her around.
Ideally, families should be together and try to be nice...sometimes you just CAN'T. As heartbreakin' as it is...it's better to get used to the idea now than one day wake up and receive a crash course on why your MIL hates you. I was so shocked when that happened to me....I cried for weeks!
posted by V 227 posts 3 months ago