Post # 1
Ok, so, I’m cooking up a surprise for my Fiance for the wedding, and need to know if you get a good sense of what this person looks like? It’s for my FI’s artist cousin who needs the description.
Standing a couple inches over five feet barefoot, she appeared to be as gentle and lovely as all the other noble ladies who couldn’t tell one sword from the next, let alone how to use one. Mischievous grey eyes filled with laughter above a slightly upturned, aristocratic nose and smiling lips. Her waist-length auburn hair was pulled back from her face, pinned into place with glittering hairpins that sparkled with each turn of her head.
The snug tunic and breeches revealed a shapely figure, though not overly endowed, she wore clothing to enhance her figure and draw attention away from her face. The shine of black in the valley between her breasts pulled at the eyes, teasing until one thought they could see a black rose hanging from its silver necklace. Black boots hugged her calves, cut to stop just below the knee. Roses and vines were embroidered along the boots, adding to the festive ensemble.
The appearance of a genteel lady was broken by the weapons she wore with the casualness of a seasoned warrior. On each hip rested a pair of daggers from the Eastern Lands. Longer and narrower than most, this lady could wield them with deadly ease.**
** daggers are actually sais and there WILL be a disclaimer in the email about this (the cousin created our world, so he’ll know what I’m talking about… hopefully…)
I put this in “beehive” because I have no clue where else to put it!!!
Post # 3
Pretty much. You don’t mention the color of her clothes though. And I’m confused about the rose… is she wearing a necklace? Because you say that the viewer “thought” they could see a black rose hanging from a silver necklace.
Post # 4
What’s the purpose of the piece? Is it going to accompany the art for your FI? Or is it strictly a description for the artist? It kind of reads like a snippet from a genre Harlequin type book, which could work for your Fiance but to the artist it just seems kind of… a lot, for lack of a good way to phrase it. I guess I would be a little more utilitarian, like “she is wearing a necklace with a black rose pendant that nestles in her décolletage” and a little less “the image of a rose teases the eye from the valley of her breasts” Incidentally, that seems contradictory to me since she is previously described as not overly endowed, and I guess this is a case where straightforward description might be the better option over decorative language. Kat’s example is a good point along the same lines.
Post # 5
@Amaryllis: hehehehe, if you only knew the artist! LOL! The man LIVES for detail.
But, you’re probably right. 🙂 I’ll go back and write it out more of a description and stick this in just for fun. With Cousin L, you never can tell what he wants…. 🙂
thanks so much for the suggestions and replies!!!!!!
eta: forgot to mention, it’s for the artist to sketch the two together. and he did the sketch for my FI’s character and I have to scan that and send it to him. 🙂
Post # 6
@Zinzerena: You can give a lot of detail without the flowery language.
Describe her figure in detail, the colors of her clothes, the way they fall, the WAY her hair is pinned. Those types of descriptions go a lot farther in helping with visualization then the romance novel-esqe language above.
Post # 7
@KatNYC2011: very true! I guess it’s the writer in me that looks at it and goes “ugh! BORING!”
and thanks for the compliment! 😀 Perhaps I’m writing in the wrong genre 😉