Need opinion- Peeping tom family member

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t honestly know what I’d do with regards to the invitations, and I think it depends on a balance of what makes you comfortable/if that would affect your mother attending – but if he wasn’t there I don’t think it is your responsibility to answer to anyone why he isn’t there. I would share this and how you feel with your fiancee though, as he is going to be your partner in all things for the rest of your life, and is there to support you.

But to your last question: NO you are not wrong. It is completely unacceptable for ANYONE, let alone a family member to be a peeping tom, and you are not in the wrong for being upset about it and distancing yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Post # 3
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, hugs.   You were NOT wrong.  Your mom and your relatives are awful. 

Second, if it were me, I would not invite him. 

Post # 4
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You were right to move out when you did. If your mother and relatives choose to turn a blind eye, that’s on them. It’s at best weird for a stepfather to be peeping at his stepdaughter, and at worst it might even be quite sinister.

You are not right for hiding this from your fiance, though.  You need to let him know what happened. If he thinks less of your mother or aunt for it, then that’s on them for not handling it properly from the start.

As for the wedding invite, I would invite him, only because a wedding is not the time for you to be settling all the loose ends from your pre-married life. The situation has not caused you to go out of your way to exclude him from other parts of your life; the wedding should be no different. If you want to confront him about what he did, or want to confront your own past, then by all means do so, but do not use the deadline of the wedding to shape your relationship with your mother’s boyfriend. Not sure if I am explaining that right— basically however you choose to handle your longer-term relationship with your mother’s boyfriend and heal from any emotional scarring left behind (or even kick him out of your life) should be on its own natural timeline and not forced within the artificial deadline of your upcoming wedding.

Post # 5
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First of all, I’m so sorry that happened to you. What he did was disgusting and unacceptable FOR ANYONE but especially for someone you should have been able to trust. You did not over-react. You did the right thing for yourself and your relatives are wrong for downplaying how serious that is and for making you feel like you’re crazy. You should have been able to feel safe and comfortable in your own house. Unfortunately too often in situations like this, mothers choose to side with their partners instead of sticking up for their children which is really sad and harmful. I can’t tell you what to do but I wanted you to know that you’re not crazy and your reaction is totally justified. what he did was very wrong and I don’t blame you for distancing yourself or not wanting him to touch you. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this and that your family are not more supportive of you. If you find that this continues to cause you stress and anxiety, it’s okay to see someone to talk about it and work through any feelings you have. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. You did nothing wrong and good for you for confronting him.

If you don’t want him at your wedding, it is completely understandable. I do think you should tell your fiancé though so that he understands the complexity of the situation between you and your family and so that hopefully you have someone to give you comfort, strength and emotional support regarding what happened and in light of what might happen should you choose to distance yourself from your stepfather further.

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  papillon20.
Post # 6
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I completely support all of your actions thus far. Moving out was the right decision and not an overreaction at all! Good for you for standing up for yourself – you are worth so much more than being the object he peeps on. Your mothers response seems as though she is likely in denial, as she loves her husband and so she downplays everything. She doesn’t see how badly this has hurt you and cause you to feel the way you do. Maybe having aheart to heart with your mother before the invites go out will help. Tell her honestly that you feel like she is downplaying what happened and how you are feeling. Tell her you are questioning whether you want him at your wedding. Also include how you don’t hate him and you do want him to be happy – but you don’t want him in your life. Tell her you need her support as a mother. You may not be able to completely cut ties with him because your mother choses to stay with him – but she can help you keep him at an arm’s length.

 

Also, I think it is very important that you include your fiance in this. He should be your closest confidant, and will help share the burden this has on you. He should know exactly how you feel. If he loves you and is already commiting to being part of your family, he won’t judge your mother or sister so harshly. He should be able to understand that it is confusing for them too, and that is why they downplay it. But mostly, he can be there for you if he knows. Us bees can only support you so much and give internet *hugs*, but he can give you a real hug that will help you heal. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jsmith2014:  This man needs to be shamed. Why does no one else feel that what he did was wrong? It was a violation. If someone made me feel unsafe in my own home my mother would beat the shit out of them, not make excuses. If I were you, I would keep my distance from all of them if that is what they deem as “normal” behavior. Would you ever let your children stay in that household with that disgusting pervert? I should hope not.

Alos, your FI needs to know! This is a big deal and you need someone in your corner!! Good luck hun. I know this is tough since it’s your family but THEY are wrong, not you. xoxox

Post # 8
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Wait so you were a minor when he entered your life and you have no idea when teh peeping started?

This guy should be arrested!!!!!!!!!!

No, don’t invite him.  Your mother can make excuses for the creep.

Post # 9
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I definitely agree with you that his behavior was unacceptable and I would have moved out as well! It’s really disappointing that your mom is not validating your responce to his behavior.

That being said, it sounds like you’ve chosen to retain limited contact with him and it sounds like that has gone fairly well, given the circumstances. So I would probably invite him to the wedding, because I think it would be easier on you than dealing with questions and/or drama. You don’t have to really spend any time with him or even speak to him beyond saying “thank you” if he congratulates you. But if you really don’t want him there, I think you’d be well within your rights to not invite him. Just be prepared for how you’ll respond to questions from your mom or others. 

Post # 10
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

Normally i say you have to invite SO’s to your immediate family but in this scenario DO NOT do anything you are not comfortable doing.  This is not your burden to bear.  he is disgusting and shame on him for doing what he did.  I say don’t invite him.  If your mom can’t handle that decision that is on her, not on you.

Post # 11
Member
448 posts
Helper bee

You’re mom and aunts are completely in the wrong!! I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, and so so sorry that your family isn’t in your corner (they should be!!). If he makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t invite him. I wouldn’t!! I would also tell your fiancé. The feelings that you have aren’t going to go away. Also, if you have children, you need to protect them from him, so the subject could get even trickier. your fi is your support system, so I would loop him in. 

Post # 12
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

First off I’m sorry this has happened to you. usually you need to invite so’s to a wedding but in this case, not inviting him would be a acception. does your dad know about the situation? Have you talked to him about what happen? Have you talked to a grandparent about it? These are the people I would consider talking to about it. I agree that you need to tell Fi about the situation. Maybe talk to your inlaws. Maybe they can help you with the situation. Have you talk to a male friend about the situation? That would be a good person to talk to as well. 

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