Post # 1
Hi Bee’s –
I need an outside opinion on this matter. My FI and I decieded together that we don’t want any gifts for Christmas or Birthdays this year since we are saving up for a wedding. If anyone of our family members have wanted to get us something for our birthday we’ve asked them to use it towards an item for the wedding instead. Everyone has been understanding,
My FMIL strongly believes that it’s her money and she will buy what she wants. I DO understand her perspective but I am feeling very frustrated. Every year she spends usually $500 – $1000 on FI in gifts and usually $200 on myself. I am appreciative her generousity, but I think it’s silly to take gifts when we are saving every penny for our wedding.
Two days ago she called and asked if my FI would like golf lessons as one of his Christmas gifts. I didn’t want to cause an argument, so I said I’m not really sure he hasn’t asked for anything for Christmas this year.
Should I just let it go? I want your honest opinions. I think that sometimes because I already have a strained relationship with my FMIL that I may not be as understanding if it weren’t like that.
Post # 3
@Meant2Bee: In honesty I think it is really rude and presumptious to tell people to save for a present. That is just my opinion though (it is almost like asking for cash)
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Meant2Bee: It kinddddd of sounds like you’re asking for a money shower for Christmas. It is her money and she can spend it as she’d like. However, if you’ve already told her you two’s preference on gifts this Christmas she shouldn’t be asking you for ideas. But hey, maybe she thought it was something you two could discuss and work on your relationship?
Post # 5
@Meant2Bee: Let it go. It’s rude to try and dictate what gift is given. You’ve made your preference known and if your MIL wants to get you something non-wedding related then she is well within her rights to do so.
Post # 6
@Meant2Bee: I think it’s perfectly fine for you and your Fi to be saving for the wedding, but it is somewhat unreasonable to ask that others forgo gifts and help with wedding items as well. If they ask you what you want, however, and you answer something like, “Oh, a birdcage to use for cards at the wedding would be nice.” then that’s a different story.
As his mom, your FMIL has every right to buy her son gifts if she wants to and can afford it. If she has that much money, she’ll probably end up chipping in for the wedding as well, right?
Post # 7
Just let you FMIL get you guys gifts. I’m surprised shes the only one thats gone against your request – since my family and my in-laws would never NOT give us anything for Christmas or our birthdays. It may be something small, but they always give something.
Post # 8
It is their money to with what they wish. To try to dictate otherwise is offensive and rude.
Post # 9
Let it go. You can kindly say you don’t have any ideas but I don’t think you should get upset when people use their money to buy you a gift instead of just handing you cash or getting you something for the wedding. It’s like when you don’t want wedding gifts and prefer cash. You tell people you don’t have a registry and let them choose from there. I think you should just be happy that people give you anything and not get frustrated because they don’t give you exactly what you ask for.
Post # 10
I do see your point. FI and I want to do a very small christmas this year since we’re saving for the wedding too (Which is SUPER hard for me, bc i love going nuts buying everyone gifts for christmas LOL), but I think for this is sounds like a case of pick your fights. I think regardless of what you and your FI tell your FMIL, she is going to buy gifts fo ryou. I think you should just take a deep breath, and let her do what she wants. Its not worth the extra stress to fight with her, especially since its a losing battle. Just let her buy what she wants and smile and say thanks. LOL That way she will be happy and it will save stress and arguments for you.
Post # 11
Thanks for your honesty! I DO need to let it go. We said instead of gifts, could you buy things for the wedding? Like picture frames for our southern charm table, cake stand, etc. We are NOT asking for money.
Our FIL’s are planning on contributing to the wedding, but they are only doing this so they can invite their friends…so the money they are giving us isn’t really helping us out besides not having to pay for their guest.
Post # 12
@Meant2Bee: Unless you had something specific that she could purchase for the wedding… like a THING, not a service… I don’t see a way to tactfully ask for that. For instance, if I was planning to DIY a bunch of stuff I might need supplies, so maybe I’d ask for a Cricut to cut paper or paints or something. Or even a gift certificate to Joanns or Michaels. Maaaaybe you could get away with “He is so stressed about how he’ll pay for his tux…. maybe that would be a good gift”. But it sounds like you want people to give you the money they would have spent on the gift, which is not really something you can ask for polietly.
Post # 13
You are wrong.
Its her money, she can get you what she wants and she is trying to be NICE and get you/him a GIFT.
If you just cannot accept a gift in the spirit in which its given, sell it after Christmas and save the cash for the wedding.
Post # 14
@hazyleyedbeauty: I really don’t want to pick a fight with my FMIL, it’s really the last thing I need.
I’m going to start practice my fake happy smile when my FI is opening his gifts on Christmas and we are super stressed 🙂
Post # 15
I’m sorry if you guys decide not to get gifts to save for your wedding it’s fine. But telling other people what they have to spend their money on, reeks of entitlement.
A gift is something someone willingly gives to another person. At that point with you making demands its not longer a gift.
Another thing is worth starting an arguement and causing issues and bad feelings with your inlaws over this.
If she gives you gift accept it graciously. I think you are in the wrong here.
Post # 16
@Meant2Bee: Rather than giving me a $50 gift card to a fabulous spa or even Walmart to shop for groceries, every year DH’s grandma spends that money on buying junky shit from the dollar store that we throw out when we get home. Think bad candy, loofahs, and one time a miniature boom box that had corrdoed batteries in it.
MIL spends at least $100 bucks on us, and she always asks what DH wants. I tell her, and she never buys it. She gets something he just doesn’t want or need, but because she is sentimental it means something to her. For instance, she always buys him these stupid German Shorthair dog plates because he used to have a GSH. A 28 year old man doesn’t want or need those, and he has yet to put them up or find a spot for them.
Can you tell them to stop spending that money? No. It is their’s. We just smile and say thank you. It would be rude or ungrateful of us to say otherwise.