- 3 years ago
I’ve started a few other threads about this… I ended up deleting the most recent one (a few months ago) because it was very personal and I got nervous about people finding it…
Anyway, to sum up my situation… I’m in a great relationship with a great man who I plan to marry. We’re not engaged yet, but have recently moved in together. We’re both 100% sure that we are “the one” for each other, and I really truly love everything about him. In our whole relationship there’s only been one recurring problem… he’s friends with his ex and it makes me very uncomfortable.
Backstory: he and this woman dated for three years, she is 50, he is 31, I’m 27. She has an 11 year old daughter (not my SO’s), who my SO became close with over the three years they dated. The two of them were NEVER in love, never had much sex (25 times in three years! We do that in a month!), and she was pretty abusive/controlling in their relationship.
When I met my SO, he let me know right away that he was still friends with his ex. I was really uncomfortable about this at first, but as I’ve gotten to know my SO better I realize that she was more of a mother to him than a lover, and I have no “jealousy” towards her and definitely don’t feel threatened that she’s trying to get him back or anything.
BUT- she still tries to be very controlling in his life… still keeps tabs on him, etc. I also kind of just feel disrespected by her… I don’t think she sees me as an important part of my SO’s life… she still sees herself in the number one slot for him… and that is what drives me crazy.
The thing is… it is very important to my SO to remain friends with her, and to maintain a relationship with her daughter. At first I was trying to just hope that it would all just go away, and that I wouldn’t have to deal with it in the long run, but now I’m not so sure. I NEVER would want to tell him he “wasn’t allowed” to hang out with her and her daughter, but I just get so sad that it upsets me so much.
She and I had a confrontation about this, and it was decided by me and my SO that it would be better if she and I just remained separate from each other.
This weekend, it came up again. He saw her and her daughter a little over a week ago and she started a fight with him about why I won’t be friends with her. It just really upsets me. This is the only dark cloud in my whole relationship, and I just really, truly don’t know how to deal with it.
I don’t want to have to see her, but the idea of her starting fights about my relationship when I’m not around is making me insane. I talked to my SO about it and he agreed to refuse to talk about our relationship with her (other than the obvious “Laughs and I are doing great!” updates), but I just feel so uneasy about the whole thing.
If he’s going to remain friends with her (and please don’t just tell me that I shouldn’t put up with any man who is going to be friends with his ex), how should I proceed? I just want to do whatever I can to make sure we’re happy.
Do you think forcing myself to spend time with her might be a good thing? Like facing your fear to make it less scary? I just feel like if I was with her when SO was with her, it would maybe make it less like “them against me.”
But I’m scared.
Thanks in advance for your input!