Need real advice/opinions… my SO's ex…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3407 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

If your so refuses to stop seeing her basically the only choice you have is to go with him when he spends time with his ex and her daughter. How old is the ex’s daughter? 

maybe bring something for the mother and daughter to show you want to become friends and that what has gone on previously will not continue. Your relationship with your SO is private. If she is a friend she needs to act as such and not be manipulative. If she knows your here to stay and want to establish a healthy relationship with her and her daughter she might back down a bit. Basically, kill her with kindness

Post # 4
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you should always go with your SO when he visits his Ex, that way you can “protect” him from her controlling behaviour.

It might not be pleasing, but i think it’s best on the long run.

Post # 5
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@laughs:  Personally, I don’t think you’re obligated to be friends with his ex. I also don’t think the ex is obligated to be friends with you. Civil, sure. Friends? Not so much.

I think if your bf is determined to remain friends with his ex, there needs to be some boundaries established here. He’s maintaining this friendship mostly for the daughter, right? That’s really admirable and I’m sure it’s great for the kid, who maybe doesn’t have a ton of great male role models in her life if her dad isn’t always in the picture.

But, at the same time, it doesn’t justify the ex having any intervention in yours and your bf’s relationship. I don’t know what specific controlling things she’s done with your ex, but it’s your ex’s responsibility to make sure she knows YOU (not her and not even her kid) are his No. 1 priority in life.

You could also say to you SO “I know you’ve always been upfront about your friendship with your ex with me. And I have really tried to be comfortable with it. But I just can’t accept the prominence of your ex in our lives this way.” And then explain some things that can happen — such as, he can tell his ex that she can’t control or disrespect you or demand anything from you — even friendship. YOU are your SO’s partner and your comfort and happiness should be his top priority. It doesn’t mean he has to stop hanging out with his ex full stop, but he should definitely explain that she does not have the place in his life that you have when she oversteps her bounds. 

I know lots of people are comfortable with ex’s; I don’t think being friends with an ex is inherently bad. But if he is still going to give his ex a really prominent position in his life while knowing that makes you unhappy, I’d take that as a major red flag.

Post # 6
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

also, i just thought of this…it’s really odd that your bf would expect you to be friends with his ex. i mean, in addition to the awkwardness of the ex factor, she is almost twice your age. she has an 11 year old child. i’m your age and i don’t have any friends who are in their 50s and have kids in middle school.

this seems like a strange demand on your bf’s part. i’m sure he knows that if he really is serious about you, he’s going to have to change his friendship with his ex. but it sounds like, rather than doing that, he’d rather just have you acquiesce to his relationship so he doesn’t have to risk angering his ex. but what about if you have your own kids? what about building your own family instead of trying to fit into this strange dynamic with his ex and her daughter?

honestly, if this were my boyfriend, it would give me serious pause before getting engaged. is this woman going to be intervening in your wedding plans and your married life? is she going to be demanding favors from your husband when you need him to take out the trash or mow the lawn in your own home? maybe counseling would be a really good way to figure out a plan for both of you going forward.



Post # 7
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@corasong:  Yeah, agreed. This is just weird. It;s weird that he dated a 50 year old woman for 3 years and it’s weird that he says she was more a mother to him. Creepy!!!!


Post # 8
7055 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Anamagana:  I agree. Go with him when he meets his ex and her daughter.

In fact I think it’s weird for him to visit them without you. I assume you do most things socially together. So why not this?

Post # 9
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This whol situation is really weird sorry. I’m not someone who thinks you can’t be friends with exes but this just rubs me the wrong way. He shouldn’t want anything to do with someone who was abusive to him it’s not healthy whatsoever. 


it seems like she still has some weird controlling hold over him and chalking it up to her being a mother figure is no excuse. That in and of itself is off.


And no you absolutely shouldn’t have to have anything to do with her.


Post # 10
10906 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I know you say that you’ve made up your mind about this man being the one for you. However, it is absolutely vital that you understand that this situation MAY NEVER change. 

Even after the daughter grows up and is an adult with her own children, I truly do not forsee your SO’s relationship with his ex diminishing.  Your SO and this woman may not be “in love,” and they may not have had a lot of physical intimacy; however, they most definitely have a very deep bond that, currently, neither is willing to relinquish.

Can you honestly live with this?

Post # 11
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This reminds me a bit of how my ex asked me for visiting rights with the family dog after I broke up with him. (ETA: I mean my mom’s dog – the dog had nothing to do with him. Nothing. He just liked dogs.)
No. We’re broken up, and the healthiest thing we can do for each other is to stay out of each others’s lives.

Your SO dated this woman, doted on her daughter, and probably enjoyed the positive relationship with her daughter so much (and maybe feels a bit responsible for hurting her feelings if he disappears from her life) that he takes it upon himself to keep up communication with them.

What’s going to happen if you get married? Is this girl going to be your flower girl, with your SO’s ex sitting on the end of the row, in the asile, watching the two of your getting married? I mean… I’m not exactly joking here.

And here’s my main worry… what if you two have kids, and he likes this little girl better than them? I am serious – my father always preferred his (past/current) girlfriend’s kids over us, and it was HURTFUL.

You need to have a serious talk with your man about priorities, and not just talking the talk – this man needs to show you through his actions that he’s serious, and understands that (even for 11-year-old girls) sometimes the world sucks and you can’t have everything you want.

I’d be so uncomfortable with this, but obviously I have some history with things like this. :/

Good luck.

Post # 15
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I think the ‘kill her with kindness’ route is the way to go, too! Just hang out with her and pretend that she doesn’t bother you. Once she sees you as a permanent fixture in his life she might back off. That’s the only way it’ll ever feel less “them against me” 

Sounds uncomfortable, but with a lot of effort it might clear up, good luck! 

Post # 16
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would really love to have more concrete examples of the “hold” this woman seems to have over your SO. In my mind, there’s nothing wrong with remaining friends with exes but this case does not seem so simple. Maybe if you shared a few more details, I’d get a better sense for the situation & the role your SO is playing in it. Like…if she’s taking him grocery shopping every week, that’s one thing, and if she just grabs coffee with him once a month, then that’s another.

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