Need relationship help

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

CaliforniaLovin:  You need to talk money now, not when you’re engaged. It would be stupid to wait. You need to know you guys are on the same page before you make things official. And by official I mean engaged. Money is the #1 cause of fights/divorce. Why wouldn’t you want to talk about it before getting engaged?

 

Just sit him down and tell him you want to talk about it now.

Post # 3
Member
6614 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like he is very career driven. It’s possible once you are married with children, he’ll realize that his priorities have changed. Do you think you both are in a good financial state right now and if he takes the new job? Maybe he just has high expectations for where he wants to be financially. On the flip side, his perspectives could just be a harbinger for future conflict. It’s hard to tell. 

Post # 4
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

men always say that you will work it out when you have kids. What does it matter to him with all his traveling? I would think long and hard about having children with someone who travels like that if you will have to work. My SO is going away for work for the first time since our son was born (he is 12 weeks) and when he told me, I cried. I could not even imagine for one second being alone with my son for a month without him. Maybe it would be different if I was a SAHM, but my God that does not sound like fun at all.

Post # 5
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

CaliforniaLovin:  I think you are getting too ahead of yourself about the money, travel and kids worries when he won’t even discuss finances with you. It seems like he is still in a place where he’s thinking like a single person while you want to make decisions as a couple and in the best interests of the relationship. You have to sit down with him and explain your concerns and he needs to open up with you and be willing to talk money with you, before you get engaged.

As axia08 said money is the #1 reason for divorce so you need to find out if you are financially compatiable before you start talking about marriage and kids. 

Post # 6
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

CaliforniaLovin:  I would not even consider getting engaged to someone who I could not have an honest and open discussion about finances with. That’s absolutely ridiculous. 

Post # 7
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

CaliforniaLovin:  I think I would have one foot out the door at this point. Finances are hugely important and to minimize them is frankly quite stupid. Besides, after a year and a half, to not know what my partner makes seems fishy to me. You do realize that marriage is in large part a financial arrangement, right? Why even consider walking in blind? I don’t get it.

Post # 8
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

CaliforniaLovin:  I have a bit of a different take. I didn’t know how much DH made until we were married and combined finances (he didn’t know the exact number either). We talked money, but it was generalities. He ended up making about $10k more than I thought. During our pre-engagement he made two huge financial decisions– investing a six figure amount in an up and coming firm (down payment money) and interviewing for a job with a substantial (40%) pay cut.

For the investment, he brought it up because it would impact us buying a house. I trusted his take on the risk and our compromise was that we would jointly save for the first year of marriage so we could buy a house with at least 20% down. It was his money, not mine, and he could invest it as he wished. While I wouldn’t have made the investment, I certainly am enjoying the rewards!

For the job, they both realized it wasn’t a good fit. But we spent a lot of time talking through how we would make it work and how it would impact our lives. It would mean that we couldn’t afford to buy in our county, that I would have to be the family’s breadwinner, and that our lifestyle would drastically. We were willing to take the lifestyle change if it would increase his happineess, but I was concerned about 1) where we would live/how long my commute would be, 2) where we made cuts, and 3) how our family dynamic would change when we had kids (it would be longer hours, so I would be responsible for daycare pickup, which is a problem if we have to live in a far out suburb). If he stayed at his sucky job, we could 1) buy in a great neighborhood with an awesome commute, 2) travel internationally annually, and 3) split daycare/dog card.

We had all of those talks without ever talking about a number. I still to this day don’t know the exact number that they would have offered, but it was way more important to talk about budget principles than the actual budget. He realized that while his job sucked, the paycheck was worth it.

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