Post # 1
I was talking to fiance last night at dinner about our ceremony and how I would really like to find something meaningful to the both of us to do at our ceremony, like a unity candle. We don’t want to do the candle though because it really doesn’t do much for us. I was talking to him about the ring warmning ceremony and he said “yeah, sure whatever you want”. So I asked him how he really felt and his response was “I just don’t see why we need to do anything like that. Let’s just say our vows and be done with it, why do we need extra stuff?” So, I know I dont need to do anything extra but I think it’s a cute sentiment and will be nice to look back on and say “i’m really glad we did this or that”. Maybe i’m being crazy but how can I convince him that it’s not stupid?
I also told him that I would like for us to write notes to each other for the morning of that we’ll read before the ceremony, like a lot of couples are doing these days. We used to write little notes to each other all the time, I have an entire box full of notes from him. He seemed pretty confused by that idea and didn’t understand why we do that either. Ugh…bless his heart but he just really doesnt get it.
He was married before and he’s 40, i’m 22, so he really doesnt get the new way of weddings, he still stuck in the 90’s when things were so cut and dry, they were all the same. I want a unique and special wedding.
Okay, rant over. any suggestions or am I being a crazy woman for wanting this stuff?
Post # 3
You’re not being a crazy woman! DH and I wrote notes for eachother the morning of the wedding too. But I didn’t really as for his opinion, I just told him it was important and special to me and asked him to do it, and he said okay. That way of going about it might work better for you, because I know it’s frustrating trying to explain why you want to do the special things when your guy doesn’t find it necessary. And yes, in the end he was glad we did it =)
Post # 4
Well, he probably feels like, if he’s only doing something because you’re asking him to do it, to him it might seem contrived and inauthentic. For some people, following an established tradition is more meaningful because the generations that have gone before and done all these rituals help to imbue them with meaning for that person. Other people prefer not to just follow traditional rituals because they are more drawn to the road less travelled. It sounds like maybe your FI is one of the former and you are one of the latter?
You have some time yet. Maybe along the way something will come up that both of you will like and agree is meaningful for you. I’d say don’t press it right now, but keep your eyes open and if something comes across your path, try to find the right moment to suggest it.
Post # 5
@KCKnd2: I would agree with you but fiance is far from traditional, he thinks he is but he is covered in tattoos and wants to wear skull shoes and a skull lapel pin to our ceremony. I think it’s hard for him because his first wedding was a traditional catholic wedding where he is now christian and our ceremony is much more laid back. He doesnt really now how it works without all the rules.
Post # 7
I do understand how you feel, some details will be more important to you than your fiancé and likely some of the details he wants will be more important to him than you too. I sort of agree with KCKnd2 that it may help if you can find a compromise that means something to both of you. Also, it depends on what your man is like but I did find not pushing things too hard helped my cause if my Fiancé was a bit on the fence about something I wanted for our wedding.
To give you an example, I had my heart set on a little routine for our first dance, nothing fancy-schmancy just something to stop us shuffling awkwardly round. When I first introduced the idea it was all but a flat-out no, but gradually, and with me leaving the idea to germinate without pushing it, he came round to the idea. We did compromise by learning off a DVD instead of taking lessons but he ended up loving it.
I think what I’m trying to say is if it’s an idea he’s uncomfortable with because he’s not familiar with it the softly softly approach can work well. I also think in the majority of cases it’s great, as mentioned above, if you can convey that it’s important to you.
A last thought, not to sound too preachy about it, is to keep in mind that it’s his day too. If you’re ideas are quite different you’ll need to compromise – I figured it was great preparation for married life working on all the decisions together 🙂
Post # 8
Apols for mammoth post – apparently now I am married I think I am font of all knowledge about weddings and waffle on ….
Post # 9
@Britgirl13: Oh for sure! I would never push anything on him, I want him to tell me things that he wants for our wedding and he has no input. So i’m left to thinking of ideas. I will definitely just let it sit with him for awhile and not bring it up, thanks for the advice!
Post # 10
Just tell him that it is important to you – maybe that’s a simple explanation he will get. Men don’t get the reasoning behind the extra little things (at least my fiance doesn’t). We are doing a unity type ceremony and he could probably care less one way or the other – he thinks it’s a nice idea but wasn’t overly excited/emotional about it like I am. I also brought up letters to him before and he was like what? huh? why? I just said you are writing me a letter end of story and he just agreed – In my opinion he doesn’t have to understand every reason behind why if it’s important to you that should be a good enough reason! Good luck!